Bon Jour 2008!

C'est La Vie...

I've been thinking all day today.

Sexuality...the big unexpected panther biting me on the ass at 43.

How does this happen???

It is now officially, 2008....it's 12:12 am, and tonight I was compelled at this late hour to confess my soul.

All the babbling earlier in 2007, about my "crush", about my "feelings" have helped me. Odd thing is, I'm pretty much over this person. It's not what I want...but it did open my mind to the possibility of my own sexuality.

Looking back, I see that when I was in college, I had a "crush" on Tracy. I wish I could remember her last name, but I don't. She was very butch. She was in my world religions course. I sat behind her. I knew she was a dyke. I couldn't admit, hardly even to myself, that I was totally into her. That was the year I discovered Melissa Etheridge, 1989. I was married, and I had a major crush on Tracy. Looking back, I know I would have been better off exploring this, than being with my ex.

I remember, walking through the redwoods, drinking Earl Grey Tea in my yellow and green plastic mug in the mist listening to ME, and daydreaming about Tracy. For 2 years, I would think about her, smile at her, "bump" into her in the library. But I then acted like I wasn't interested...fuck I had a wedding ring on my hand. But the thrill it gave me, is undeniable. It was real. I have often wondered about her. I don't think I said 10 words to then, but I'm also sure, she knew I wanted her. I know my eyes told the story I was unable to.

Damn....fuck...why was I so damned scared then?

Next...there were just a series of women I had "crushes" on. I have never told anyone this. But there was always "someone". In the meantime, I kept sleeping with guys, never getting much out of the sex...but looking normal. In hindsight, this is so fucking stupid. I fucking lived in San Francisco.

My next really bad crush of name, was Susan. I rode the train with her, everyday. We both smoked like chimney's. I worked my way into being friends with her, very casually. She was very butch as well. Tall, skinny, blond short hair. We got to be pretty good friends actually...but eventually I figured out she was definitely a bit crazy in a real way, but I did really really like her.

I then got a crush on D. I worked with her. She was married, she had long blond hair, she rode a Harley, and was about as butch as they come, but she was straight...(I think), but we were good friends, and damn if I didn't think she was the bomb...my age...not super heavy, not super thin, and we had a ton in common, well not the Harley's, but I did think she was sexy.

So finally, I move to the great, frozen north, and find myself having another "crush" on a very very butch lesbian that I see at the mini market every damned day. I just really like her. I don't know much about her at all. I know she has a teenager, I know there is something painfully wrong, she seems to be in pain all the time. I feel like, every time I see her, saying...lets go across the road, let me buy you a beer.

Then there is my own and only taste of sex with a woman. I don't know how it happened, except I know we both wanted it too...it took time, it took alcohol, and then then inevitable happened. I know I was super turned on. She still can turn me on in an instant with just a look, but I'm not what she wants. Besides, I'm not able to give myself anyway, not really.

So there you have it.

My life in the proverbial nutshell, and at least by admitting this, even if only to myself, I'm feeling a bit freer.

Now, I'll just let myself fall for Amy Ray...she's safe, she's sexy...and I can let myself open up to her music.

Night all...