People Talk Through My Life

I was thinking this morning over a luke warm cup of coffee (because I hate it when it's been microwaved), that things in my life have changed so much. I don't just mean the realization of my sexuality, but my life in general.

Who would have thought, ten years ago, when I was trying to make my way in the big city, that in 10 years, I'd be living in Montana, working for the government and be the mother of two very small children? I certainly never would have guessed that. I was deep into going out with my friends, trying to survive and dating a guy I had a true soul connection with. There have been two men in my past, that I feel like I have had such a connection with.

The first, I met when I first moved into my house in SF. His name was Kendall. He was painting my neighbors house, and working on it. He was an electrician. He was beautiful. He looked a bit like Matthew McConaughey, and to this day, I see Kendall when I watch anything with Matthew McConaughey in it.

I offered him a beer, and he declined. But we became fast friends and lovers. He had a wildness about him, that it has taken me years to understand, and come to terms with. When I offered him that beer, over the fence I had no idea he was a recovering alcoholic.

I didn't find that out until much later. We had driven up to the top of Twin Peaks, and parked. When we got out to enjoy the view, he told me about his alcohol problem and how it was so hard to turn that beer down that day. He started telling me his story. I just feel a deep sympathetic love for him. Like he is a broken doll that no one loves. I can't fix him.

We were together for about 2 years. Off and on. Cat and mouse sort of relationship. I think we were both in love, but he was so elusive, and would go on these binges where I wouldn't see him, he would sit by the sea and write obsessively in his notebook. We would go camping often, way out in the middle of nowhere.

I was deep into that two year period before I figured out Kendall was bi-polar. I loved him, I still love him. I worry about him, since I haven't heard from him, and the last email he sent me was very cryptic, and almost like a good bye letter.

I've always thought, someday this horrid disease would get the best of him, and he would kill himself. He was such a gentle soul, trapped in a beautiful body with a horrible disease. I've always tried to make sure he knew I loved him, and that I was his friend and I would accept him on what ever terms he was able to give, but that he had to respect my boundaries around my family.

When I was pregnant with my son, I had to put down some really hard boundaries. He called me one night, and was threatening to kill himself. As I was talking to him, he made me promise not to call his mom, then he started shooting his guns off into his ceiling. I finally told him I couldn't talk to him anymore, then I broke my promise to him. I called his mom and we 5150'd him. I didn't think he would forgive me, but he did.

I have to limit my contact with him, as I'm not sure how stable he is, or what he will do because of his mental illness. I'm afraid for him now. I haven't heard from him, and I've tried to contact him repeatedly since that last email from him in January.

The second, was Randy. He was so different than me. He was conservative military, I was liberal. We drove the same car. We met on the Internet. I had the best kiss of my life with Randy. It was about 8 hours long, literally. I never have before or since kissed anyone like that. We were together for about 2 years. He had a son by a previous marriage and was a wonderful father. We had bad timing. I still email him every year on his birthday, and we both finally admitted the depth of our feelings for each other.

So where does this fit in with my life now?

I guess I'm trying to process my life.

This is my life, the good, the bad and the ugly I suppose.

My ex husband can never compare to the relationship I had with either of these men. I barely remember him comparatively. My husband now, he is a good guy, but that "passion" thing has never been there.

Yet now, I find myself in a place where I know that even then, I wasn't being true to myself. I think I've felt the need to dissect the most intense relationships I've had.

Mostly because even though I did have these intense connections with these two men, they both still paled in comparison to my relationship with my friend. It was like the door really opened for me that night. I got a glimpse of what love and passion really meant for me.

It doesn't discount what I felt for these special men in my life. I know I have a connection to them, and always will.

I believe in past lives, there I've said it. I feel like these strong connections you have with people, for what ever reason, are there because there is something that needs to be worked out. I've always believed that when you happen upon a new person, and you realize it's "just like you've known each other forever", it's probably because you have. Same thing with instant dislike...

I feel that my friend and I have some major history together, that is still not finished, and probably won't be finished for a long time.

Peace,

OC

Because It's That Kind Of Day

All I need now is a good cold Corona' and some good conversation!

Seriously, I have to say, out of all the music in the world...the Blues are my very favorite!

Enjoy!

It's Still Raining

I made a promise to myself today, that I would take it "easy" and rest. I don't think I'm going to be able to keep that promise. I'm itching to clean my house. The kids have made such a mess, and it really needs to be cleaned. I think I'm going to readjust my promise. If I clean today, I will take it "easy" tomorrow.

That being said, I've been sort of blocked on my writing lately, hence all the questions and Meme's Ive done.

I think my last post, "Falling Up", sort of took me by surprise, how it brought up such intense feelings. A few comments I received, I know where positive. I think I should think about a counselor, but I'm just not a counselor person. The only time in my life I've went to any sort of counseling, was some grief therapy (it was a group) after my dad died.

I may look into it, I'm not sure I'm ready though. I think the thought of actually putting myself on the road to change is scary. I know, that this is going to have to happen, since deep down inside I do want change. I just need to figure out how to balance this change with the needs of my family.

It is raining out, it has only stopped for a few hours the entire week. I'm enjoying it. It always turns me inward, and puts me into a very reflective place. I like this place, a lot.

The rain is so cleansing, especially the sort of rain we've been having this week. Gentle, constant rain. Just like the earth is taking a cool shower. I can see the grass growing fast. The earth is black and rich, and the deer are hanging out under my deck looking out and enjoying the view.

So, today, all I need to be perfectly happy, would be a visit from my very best friend in CA...and a fresh pot of coffee. I have the coffee just not the visit.

Peace,

OC

To Know Me

Know Your Friends.

1. What's your favorite Dr. Seuss book? SAM I AM
2. If you could live in any home on a television series, what would it be? THE WALTONS
   
3. What's the longest you've gone without sleep? 3 OR 4 DAYS
   
4. What's your favorite Barry Manilow song? SOMEWHERE IN THE NIGHT
   
5. Who's your favorite Muppet? KERMIT
   
6. What's the habit you're proudest of breaking? SMOKING
   
7. What's your favorite Web site? WWW.SFGATE.COM
   
8. What's your favorite school supply? NEW MARKERS
   
9. Who's your favorite TV attorney? CASEY ON LAW AND ORDER SVU
   
10. What was your most recent trip of more than 50 miles? MISSOULA MT
    
11. What's the best bargain you've ever found at a garage sale or thrift store? A BOWLING SHIRT WHEN I WAS 18.
    
12. Where were you on September 11, 2001? I was sitting on my couch, I had called in sick to work before it happened, and I was watching the news. They sent everyone at work home, so I was glad I was already home, because I would have had to go back over the Bay Bridge to Alameda.
    
13. What's your favorite tree? I love Redwood trees
    
14. What's the most interesting biography you've read? I'm not sure, I've read quite a few.
    
15. What do you order when you eat Chinese food? Kung Pao Chicken, Hot and Sour soup and Pork Lo Mein
    
16. What's the best costume you've ever worn? I was a stop sign in Jr. High
    
17. What's your least favorite word? the "C" word.
    
18. If you had to be named after one of the 50 states, which would it be? Probably "Dakota" or "Montana"
    
19. Who's your favorite Care Bear? I have never had a carebear.
    
20. Describe something that's happened to you for which you have no explanation. I was robbed at gunpoint when I was a shift manager at Pizza Hut, and can you believe I went to work the next day?
21. If you could travel anywhere in Africa, where would it be? Everywhere
    
22. What did you have for lunch yesterday? Edamame Beans
    
23. Where do you go for advice? My Friends
    
24. Which do you use more often, the dictionary or the thesaurus? Both, equally
    
25. Have you ever been snorkeling? Scuba diving? no
    
26. Have you ever been stung by a bee? Yes
    
27. What's the sickest you've ever been? I had severe pre-eclampsia with both of my kids, I almost died with the 2nd one, so that would have to be the sickest I've ever been.
    
28. What's your favorite form of exercise? huh?
    
29. What's your favorite Cyndi Lauper song? Time After Time
    
30. What did you do for your 13th birthday? I have no idea
    
31. Are you afaid of heights? Not really, but I hate ladders.
    
32. Have you ever taken dance lessons? Yes, when I was very little
    
33. What's your favorite newspaper? San Francisco Chronicle
    
34. What's your favorite Broadway musical? Annie
    
35. What's the most memorable class you've ever taken? Some sociology classes at Humboldt state...loved my professer.
    
36. What's your favorite knock-knock joke? I don't have one.
    
37. What's your favorite commercial? I don't have one
    
38. If you could go to Disney World with any celebrity alive today, who would it be? Stevie Nicks
    
39. Do you prefer baths or showers? Showers
    
40. Does your chewing gum lose its flavor on the bedpost overnight? I wouldn't put it on the bed post.
    
41. What's your favorite breakfast food? bacon
    
42. Who's your favarite game show host? no one
    
43. If you could have a super power, what would it be? To fly
    
44. Do you like guacamole? No, I love it.
    
45. Have you ever been in a food fight? No
    
46. Name five songs to which you know all the lyrics. (Better yet, sing them.) Eeek...
    
47. What's your favorite infomercial? None
    
48. What's the longest you've ever waited in line? I waited for an entire day on Market Street in SF to get tickets to see Prince.
    
49. What's on the cover of your address book or day planner? An Iris
    
50. Have you ever taken a picture in one of those little booths? Yes
    

Have fun with this!

Spring Chill

It’s cold and rainy out today. I’m sneezing and I know I’m catching a cold.

Don’t you hate that “before” you get sick feeling? You know you are going to get sick, but you aren’t there, so you can’t stay in bed and feel sorry for yourself.

So you go to work, feel like crap all day, suffer with a “not quite” sore throat, and wish you could go home and take a nap.

I would almost kill for a nap right now.

I even went out and got chicken tortilla soup for lunch today. That helped, for a moment.

I want to go home, climb in my bed, with the down comforter, and snuggle down for the winter, except it’s not winter, it’s almost summer.

This year, the weather guys are playing a trick on us Montanans, especially those of us that are California transplants.

Sunday, it was cold and foggy out, but in the afternoon, it got up into the high 80’s, and we finally started thinking…”maybe” summer is finally coming. Monday was pretty warm, but not hot.

Tuesday, I was going to finish planting my garden when I got home from work, but just as I picked the kids up from daycare, it started getting cold and stormy looking. By the time I got home, they were stating on the news that we were going to have “severe” hail and thunder and lightening. You should have seen me out in my garden, trying to protect the new plants I had put in on Sunday. Needless to say, I didn’t plant any more on Tuesday.

Now I have an entire gardens worth of tomato and pepper plants on my kitchen counter. They will be beautiful, I’m sure, but right now, their little muddy peat pots are making a mess on my counter. Then there is the green house thingy that we have going to start the sugar snap peas and zucchini’s. Oye….

Yesterday it started getting cool (no…cold) again. When I came to work this morning; it was in the low 40’s and has been pouring rain since.

So our weekend camping plans are in the toilet, and I still haven’t gotten my garden all the way done.

This feels like cold, rainy beach weather, which is great, if you are by the beach.

So my new weekend plans include “movie” night tomorrow with my son. A huge party in my very big king sized bed with my kids on Saturday complete with movies and naps. Sunday, hopefully I can finish planting the garden.

Warm and Happy Thoughts,

Peace,

OC

Tag, Tag, Tag, I'm Not It Anymore!

I've been tagged by Earth Muffin over at The Land of Earth Muffin!

The Rules:Once you’ve been tagged, you have to write a blog with 10 weird, random, facts, habits or goals about yourself. At the end, choose 6 people to be tagged, list their names & why you tagged them. Don’t forget to leave them a comment saying “You’re it!” & to go read your blog. You cannot tag the person that tagged you, so since you’re not allowed to tag me back; let me know when you are done so I can go read YOUR weird/random/odd facts, habits and goals.

1. I count steps. I don’t do it consciously, but I do it. I’ll be walking along, and I will realize that I am counting, never in order either. 82, 45, 46, 47, 93, 72, so I guess I should say more accurately that I name numbers when I walk. I also count stairs, again, not necessarily in order. I can’t seem to stop myself because I don’t even realize I’m doing it.
2. Once in my 20’s I was so obsessed with which way the toilet paper went, I would change it in EVERY bathroom I went into if it was on the wrong way. At my house, it was really bad, because it seemed like every time I went in the bathroom the toilet paper was on the “wrong” way, and I would change it. Finally I got mad and blew up, and my housemates started laughing so hard, they had been playing this trick on me for months. Every time I would turn it around, so would they.
3. I was ornery when in my early 20’s. I had this neighbor named Earl. He was about 5 years older than me. He was huge, red hair, mustache, sort of stupid, but very arrogant. Keep in mind, this was before cordless telephones were really available, and caller ID wasn’t even thought of yet. Well Earl would pull his phone out on his porch while he was mowing his lawn. He had one of those big desk phones with the push buttons, and it was tan color. Well I would sit in my living room, and as soon as he got out to the yard, I would call him, and watch him run back to get the phone. As soon as he got there, I would hang up. He’d go back out again, and I’d do it again…over and over, he never in a year figured out it was me, and I would sit in my living room laughing so hard until I peed my pants. Still to this day I feel guilty that I tortured this poor guy so bad.
4. When I was a little kid (around 8) I spray painted my neighbors newly painted garage with pictures of houses and trees and stuff, and my dad had to repaint her whole garage.
5. I was fired from Pizza Hut being a General Manager, because I refused to fire my old Russian Driver “Emile”. He was slower than anything, but the guy was a hard worker, would come in whenever I needed him etc…but the corporate big shots said he was too slow and wanted me to let him go, when I refused and told them to do it themselves, they fired me instead. I hated that job, so I was so glad to get out of there.
6. I used to dress up like Madonna in the 80’s.
7. I grew up in Southern California and have only been to San Diego and Disney Land once.
8. The very first record I ever bought was “Tonight’s the Night” by Rod Stewart.
9. I ditched almost half of my senior year of high school and still graduated on time, I also worked in the attendance office taking phone calls from parents when their kids were out sick, I was really bad about writing notes for all my friends, the only one I couldn’t get off the hook was myself.
10. I have about 6 almost brand new bottles of perfume in my medicine cabinet right now, and they are all the good smelling expensive stuff. I have a serious weakness for perfume, but I don’t wear it that much because I know people are allergic.
    
    Tags....hmmmm
    
    MapiPrincesa...because she always reads my blog and I'm not sure why.
    Lori Hahn...because I'm curious about what she will say.
    CJ...because I know there will be some funny stuff I don't know about her.
    Pacific Girl because I love her new blog!
    Sterkworks, because she tagged me and I owe her!
    The Only Daughter, just because.
    MLC...because I love her blog, and her taste in music.