Living in the Red..

Wow...what a day.

Hubby, aka Dufus, and I had a pretty serious conversation this afternoon. He told me again he needed help. I told him again, I didn't feel the need to help him. We talked and talked. I told him this was the first decent conversation we have had in months. I agreed to go to the house to help him get the rest of my stuff out of it. He agreed that we would hire a cleaner to clean it.

He then called me and asked me what I was doing tonight. I had told him that I was having trouble getting some stuff done, and that was one reason I didn't want to help him. He came over tonight, and rebuilt Little Misses bed. I had evidently screwed it all up. He fixed it, and carried boxes up the stairs.

I made him dinner, and we ate at my new table, all four of us. Probably the first home cooked meal any of us have had in a month.

He didn't say a word about all of the new furniture and artwork in the house (which for some juvenile reason I was completely messed up about).

He spent a ton of time with the kids, and they loved it. It was nice. Not romantic nice at all, but family nice. Nice for the kidlets.

So I'm going to help him Wednesday night get a bunch of stuff done in the house. I don't feel so resentful about it now.

When he went home, I got a phone call. He got the house he wanted. I think this is a karmic sign than we are moving in the right direction. This place is a nice house, reasonable priced, good place for the kids, and enough room to park the camper and the trailer for the 4-wheelers. It will be a good place for him, and I heard and excitement in his voice tonight when he told me that I haven't heard in a very long time.

We talked of taking the kids riding when he gets moved. He seemed amazed I would still want to do that. I told him of course I still wanted to go riding. That I loved riding, and we had finally gotten it all set up to take the kids, and that activities we could do together with the kids, would be a good thing for all of us.

There is no more marriage....I think there is still the possibility of being friends and a different kind of family, which is what I've wanted all along.

Now, don't go thinking I'm seeing everything through rose colored glasses, I'm not. I don't and won't go back to be married to him. I am a lesbian, and I intend to live the remainder of my life as such. That being said, I'd love to keep some sort of viable family unit for the kids, and because under all the addict crap, there is a person I really love and like.

He said he felt motivated. It's a nice idea. I hope he is motivated.

I spent the remainder of tonight, sitting on my back porch, in my pretty little yard, watching my kids talk over the fence to the neighbor kids. I haven't felt such a sense of peace in I don't know how long. I know it's not the acre of beautiful yard I had, but it's my little yard. It's a safe place for my kids to play. I have a lovely covered patio, with a beautiful little lawn. I have a beautiful wind chime that was ringing very faintly tonight. I have a beautifully landscaped front yard with a quaking aspen tree that I do not have to take care of. I have a home that is beginning to look like a Tuscan bungalow.

I have art on the walls that I love. I'm sitting on the softest of soft (butter soft) leather couch. I have RED curtains on my windows with curtain rods I installed myself. I finally have peace. I've come home every night this week to peace. To feeling like I am in control of my own destiny........ finally.

This is a RED moment. Red is me. Old Crone is RED. I am living RED. Red is joy for me. I hadn't realized just how unhappy I was. I think when you are in the middle of turmoil and torture, you block it out so that you can keep moving.

It seems amazing to me, that a mere two months ago, I was still in my house, mulling leaving him, feeling horrible, fat, sick, tired, etc...

Now, I am still fat, but I feel sexy. I feel energetic. I want to have sex. I want to vacuum. I want to mop the floors and do the laundry and LOVE my kids the way I was meant too.

I am not some unhappy mopey mom now. I have been hanging with my kids...holding them. Talking to them. Playing Guitar Hero with them, and going for walks with them. They are fascinated by sidewalks. I have a weekend coming up with no kids, and I intend on sleeping. Lying in bed and sleeping. A luxury I haven't had in years.

I'm going to sleep now...

Peace,

OC