The Pit

Yesterday was hands down one of the most stressful days I've ever had. I spent the day worrying what Hubby was going to do. I can't believe how sick I felt. I sat at my desk at work, and just dry heaved most of the day, while working without stopping. I'm glad he didn't see how bad I was.

He called me and told me that he signed the separation papers, and that he had taken them to my attorney's office, of which I have not been able to confirm yet. I got an email from her about 5:20 last night that said she hadn't received them and she would let me know today if they were dropped off as she was in meetings all day yesterday. I wish I were more confident that he was telling me the truth. I went down and asked him "why" he told me that he took them to her if he hadn't, and he emphatically said that he did.

OK...so I'll just have to wait and see. He looked at me and said, "did you really think I was going to fight you for custody?" I guess I did. I guess because I would fight with my last breath to keep my kids, I thought he would.

Less than a week until moving day. I'm almost there, but it seems this week is doing it's best to put me through the paces. At least I have a pedicure and hair appointment to look forward to on Saturday morning.

I sent my bosses boss an email yesterday after the stressful day on Thursday, and asked him if I could visit with him for a few minutes. He told me to come down, so I shut the door, and looked him straight in the face, and said, "I don't know if you know what's going on with me, but here it is. This is why I'm so stressed, this is why I am having to make all my appointments at lunch, etc...I told him my job was an absolute priority, and that I wasn't trying to not do it."

"That I was working my hardest to make sure all my work was caught up."

I felt I needed to let him know after the snarky email on Thursday. I'm not sure it did any good, but I think it did, and at least I tried to communicate with him and let him know that I wasn't goofing off, I was just stressed out.

This weekend, I made the executive decision to just put my nose to the grindstone now, and not cause any waves at work. I can't be stressed this huge in two different places, and work is vital to me being able to take care of the kids. I'm a fighter by nature, but this time I decided to let it go, and take the high road for the moment.

So this is my update for the day. I never in a million years thought this would stress me like it has. I know throughout the last few years, I've been stressed, depressed, sad, in pain, but never like this. Never with this constant pit in my stomach. Hopefully it will stop once I move.

I still feel like I'm walking through a surreal cotton ball when I think of divorcing hubby, moving out of my house, being a single parent, etc...it doesn't feel real, and it makes me so sick to my stomach, it's hard to keep moving.

For as long and hard as I've worked for this, it's surprising just how much pain is involved here for me, and for all of us. Yesterday when I was talking to Hubby on the phone when in the morning, he kept saying this was "easy" for me.

He has no idea (of course he doesn't) I'm not sure why this should surprise me. He really has no idea about me at all anymore. He doesn't know who I am, or what I want, or what I need. He's so lost in his own drugged out haze, he can't comprehend this is just as hard, maybe for different reasons, for me and the kids as it is for him. He can't comprehend that his kids are hurting and he's hurting them even more.

I'm hoping once I move, I'll be able to sleep again. I just can't right now. I can't fall asleep and I wake up 2 hours earlier than normal. It's 6:30am now, and I've been up for two hours. I keep having to fake being asleep so Hubby won't figure it out when he is getting ready for work. God I will just be so glad when I don't have to "fake" anything anymore. Nothing. I can be me. I can do what I want. I won't have to consult him, or have him call me at 7:00pm and ask me "if I plan on coming home tonight" like he did last night. I told him I had stuff to do last night, and I still got the call at 7:00pm. I get off work at 5:00, so it's not like I had sooo much time do to what I needed to do. As soon as I got home, he ran for his stoner shack. I guess, at least he is trying to hold off until I get home. He's probably not going to be happy when I tell him I need to go work on Little Misses bed tonight. Oh well, I don't need to make him happy anymore.

Signing off,

Peace,

OC