I'm sitting on my love-seat, for possibly the last Sunday looking out at my view. It's all I can do to do this honestly.
Last night, I watched my kids run around the yard they have always known, playing with the neighbors they have always known, ride their toy quads all over the yard. Then Hubby got me a glass of wine and we watched the fireworks that he set off, that the neighbors set off. It was a warm, balmy MT night, and it made me so incredibly sad. Sad to be leaving this place, that I thought would be my home forever. Sad to be leaving Hubby. Sad to know that my kids wouldn't have this gigantic yard to run and play in.
Sad Sad Sad....does this always have to happen and make me question if I'm doing the right thing. Last night, I kept thinking, it's not too late to stop this. I could cancel the lease, I could return my purchases and I could stay here with Hubby in our yard, with our kids....of course I only pondered this in my head. I didn't say it aloud. I was afraid too. This week will be a test of courage for me for sure.
I had a perfectly horrid day at work on Friday as well. The kind of day where you don't get up from your desk because it's so so bad. Like I need bad work thing going on right now. So I made the decision to go to work this week, keep my nose to the grindstone, get my work done and not make any waves. I can't take two stressful things this huge going on at once.
It hurts me so bad, even though I know I'm doing the right thing.
Hubby helped me some at the new house yesterday, and I know it hurts him to just be in the place. I don't blame him. I really have no one to help me with anything right now though, so I was grateful to him for helping me.
I have only one week left in my house. One week. How is that possible??? I haven't started doing much either. I'm going to get up as soon as I get done with this and start packing some stuff to move over there today. I want to get all my personal stuff moved myself. I need to finish working on my CD's. I've been dumping the boxes and putting them in one of those organizing notebooks since I never play them anymore. Still I can't get rid of them. This seemed to be the best solution for many reasons...storage of them among the biggest. I've taken what would take me an entire media cabinet and parred it down to two notebooks.
OK folks, wish me luck!
Peace,
OC
this is a very difficult and sad time for you, OC...but it'll be worth it. it's not only rare but amazing that your husband is supportive as he is. i did not come out for a couple more years after i divorced....if my children's father knew about the 'real' me, he'd cause all kinds of clusterfuck problems for my kids, especially my son who lives with me...so he remains one of 4 who should not know unless absolutely necessary.
ReplyDeleteyou WILL get through this time and know, that those of us who come by to check in on you will be there to support you, care about you and provide a cyber shoulder anytime you need.
hey OC, again, i feel your pain, the sadness and everything in between. you are in the process of grieving hon, even though you are doing something you need to do and working towards being happy at last, you will never forget the wonderful warm memories you had with the family, with hubby... those memories are yours... as souveniers of what you had, and they will come to mind here and there for the rest of your life. i have been divorced for 17 years now, he was the only man i have ever loved, and even though i am happy with diane, and in my life now, i still have my moments of grieving for what i once had. sometimes its so painful and large that it makes me wonder if i did the right thing. so i let myself cry it out, i feel the feelings, then later it passes and i'm ok again. try to be gentle with yourself, this is still a loss, even if its a good change. OC, the love will always be there between hubby and you... it has just changed form. sending you a big hug... i'm here if you need a cyber shoulder, too. it will be alright in the end.
ReplyDeletei did the very same exact thing, the last week in my house we had together. as one chapter closes, a new undiscovered one opens.... try to enjoy the trip.
c
i catch myself doing the same thing "wouldn't it be easier just to stay in my socially acceptable marriage with this guy who i can sometimes tolerate instead of going out into the unknown? depending largely on the universe to provide? it would be so easy to just stay."
ReplyDeletebut then i remember how much it hurts--how i feel like im dying on the inside. how i am not being true to myself & i can't raise healthy babies while betraying my own soul.