i miss you

yesterday was my dad’s birthday, and last night I thought about him a lot. I’m not sure if I dreamt about him, but he was on my mind.

my dad...how can I explain?

he was mine. he was my greatest love until I had my babies. he loved me the way a kid dreams of being loved, unconditionally.

when I was growing up, in the desert of southern california, he and i used to lay out on our cots at night, sleeping in the back yard, and talk forever about the stars. were there aliens up there? there must be, we can’t be the only ones. this went on and on...he spurred me on. he encouraged my dreams, and the emotional part of me.

he was so special.

he was a teacher. he loved being a teacher, a science teacher to 7th and 8th graders.

he was one of those people who really loved what they did. it made him happy.

i went to my first dance with him when i was 12 at his school. i was so proud he was my dad, and even though i didn’t know any of the kids, they all came and talked to me, and told me how much they liked my dad. i know i preened with pride. i always did, he always made me proud.

as a grown up, he was my biggest supporter, and i knew, that i could depend on him for anything if i needed to.

once when i was in high school, i went out one friday night with a friend of mine. i had an old beater honda hatchback car. it was acting up, so when we started home, i called him and told him what road i was going on, and when i should be home. sure enough, my car broke down. my friend, was freaked out (this was long before cell phones, or pagers even). i wasn’t freaked out, i just told her to sit still, my dad would be there any time to get us. she didn’t believe me, she said her dad would never come get her like that.

i kept telling her, well, my dad will, he’ll be here in a few minutes. sure enough, about 20 minutes after i should have been home, he drove up to where we were broke down, picked us up and took us home. even to this day, nearly 30 years later, my friend still talks of this with me. how my dad came and got us. she said she learned that night what parents should do for their kids.

i have no way to really tell you how special my dad was. he was nothing special to look at, just an ordinary balding man with a big belly. but inside of that body, there was an angel, an angel who loved me with all his might.

i feel sad sometimes that my kids will never know him.

i can tell them, but they won’t really know. just like i didn’t know my grandma when my dad used to tell me about her. but his legacy lives on, in how i parent my kids.

how i love them. how i am determined to help them grow into strong, loving people. people who will be kind to others, who will not judge others, who will see that people are equal and worthy of love and respect. so you see my dad still lives in my heart, and in that way, my kids will know him, they will pass his legacy on to their children.

i know i’m emotional tonight, i just have a very hard time realizing he has been gone for almost 5 years now. it seems like a micro-second, not almost 5 years. life keeps going. i keep working. i keep loving. i know he is helping me to be a good parent.

the sad and wonderful thing is, even when we found out he was dying, he trusted me to help him make hard decisions. he asked me what i thought he should do about his treatment. i told him i thought he should not do chemo or radiation.

he was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer that had spread to his bones, his liver, his stomach. he knew, that since i had spent the greater part of my 20’s working with hospice patients, so he asked me. i told him that no matter what he decided that i would support him in the decision, but that i thought that treatment would only make him sick for the time he had left. god, i didn’t want to say that, but i had to. i had to tell him what i thought and felt. so we had a wonderful 6 weeks, then he left us, our dog came to get him, he was talking to her right before he died. that comforts me to think of him up there, with Lucy by his feet.

if you are wondering why i am writing with no caps, i guess it’s because i feel quiet. i tried the caps, but it just wasn’t working for me, so i’m using my quiet voice.

peace,

oc

p.s. happy birthday daddy