California Girl

Shadow writing.

At different times during my life, I have done what I call “shadow writing”. This is something that is intrinsic to me when I become emotional, and need to get something out, but at the same can’t seem to find the words.

I will put on music that is beautiful, whatever I’m feeling at the moment, close my eyes and just type what comes to my head, weather it makes sense or not.

I tried to do this tonight, and I cannot. I’ve been feeling blocked this week. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m just tired from dealing with a sick whiny baby for days on end, or if I’m really blocking something right now.

I feel so messed up in my head right now. I don’t know who I am, what I am, or what I want to do. Maybe it’s living here in Montana, where things just are not as free and easy as they were in California. Most of the time, I’m used to this, but sometimes, I still feel like this just isn’t home. Maybe it’s never going to really feel like home, I don’t know.

Most people here have not experienced what I have. They don’t know what it’s like to live in San Francisco.

They look at me like I’m crazy when I will say something about “pride” week in the city, how the flags fly down Market street all the way from the Castro to the Embarcadero. (keep in mind, I am not usually the one to bring this up, it’s something that comes up when people find out where I’m from)

When they ask me if I’ve ever “been” to the Castro, I have to decide right then how much of myself I’m willing to share. Do I tell them that, yes, not only have I ‘been’ to the Castro, I’ve bar hopped there, visited friends there, ate lunch there too many times to count, went there to buy my coffee on a regular basis.

I’ve spent hours and hours at “The Cafe” with friends getting drunk, smoking cigarettes, and dancing my head off. So yes, not only have I been there, it was one of my regular stops and hang outs.

Do I dare tell them of the number of times, I traipsed all over town on MUNI with my friend James, who is gay, getting drunk, bar hopping and generally causing havoc?

How about the hours and hours I spent on the train with my friend T and my friend S who are both gay. Or the amount of time I spent at monkeynutts house (one of my best friends in this world).

The company I worked at in the financial district had so many openly gay people, that no one blinked an eye, including me.

So where am I going with this? I think I’m having a hard time realizing that I’m feeling this in the place I live, and now that I’m realizing that I too am “gay”, that this is a very strange place to be living in.

I remember 2 years ago, I was getting off the freeway to go to work, and there, right on this huge bill board by the Motel 6 was a giant pink triangle with just a date and a place, (which happened to be pride week).

I thought to myself that hmm....they do have a pride week here. When I got to work, someone made a comment about how there were no gay people here really (this was a topic that came up a lot since I was from SF), and I was thinking, do I say anything, about it or not?

Do I tell these people that there is a huge sign by Motel 6 advertising pride week here in Helena...or not. I chose not too, because I figured that people that wanted to know, would see it, but I wasn’t going to start flapping my mouth at people that have no concept of what it means, and could and might possibly start trouble.

I guess I’m just inner conflicting again. Story of my life. Maybe I’m just always going too be a California Girl....even if I never live there again.

Peace,

OC