the cycle of my life

Here I am again, Friday night. The kids are in bed. The husband is in bed, and I’m again, sitting up watching an Indigo Girls DVD, wondering where I am headed. What road am I driving on now? The longing and need I feel are hard to ignore, and honestly I'm not really trying to ignore it.

Did I tell you I’m the exact same age as Amy Ray, well, she is about 2 months older than me.

I look at the life she has led, such a life filled with activism, freedom, power, and creativity. I know some people are born with bright lights in their soul.

They know from the time they are children what they want to do. I know many of these people in my own life, and they, for the most part, have lived the life they have wanted.

Then there are the rest of us. Who by chance, happenstance, or pure moxy end up where we are for no apparent rhyme or reason.

We take a left turn at 20, a right turn at 25, and all the sudden, we are walking in a completely different direction than we had originally intended.

It doesn’t mean we have lived less of a life, or a less fulfilled life even. But that being said, I have lived a life, where, even though I know I’ve learned a lot, I feel like I wasted a great deal of time doing nothing. Only now, in my 40’s, am I seeing what a waste it was to lose years to doing nothing but exhist.

I would try different paths on to see how they fit. “Oops, that life didn’t fit, let me try on another.” This cycle kept going, at least for me, until my mid 30’s.

Only then did I say ...Hey...what the fuck are you doing??? Like MLC keeps saying, it’s not a mid life crisis, but Mid Life Clarity. I love how she words it. It makes me feel like maybe I’m not as crazy as I’ve felt for so long.

My life is becoming clear. I am getting to know myself in a way I never have before. I’m accepting myself for who I am. What I am.

Even my body. I’ve always hated my legs. I have heavy legs, ugly fence post legs. It’s one of the reasons I have never liked dresses. I have a hard time sometimes finding legs that fit me in the calfs. I’ve finally gotten to the point, that instead of just seeing my heavy ugly legs, I am seeing that..wow...my legs work great.

I have friends who are younger than me and their bodies are falling apart.

So what if I don’t like my legs??? They work. They have carried me through this life with strength and courage.

I’m beginning to count my blessings, instead of worrying about what I don’t have.

The only place where this clarity escapes me, is my sexuality, and how to deal with it, within the constraints of my life now.

I really am not feeling sorry for myself, or wanting to change things at the moment. But I have to say, it is a major relief to finally, finally, know who I am. Even if I cannot act on it now, I know in my soul, in my mind, who I am. I’m accepting this person for who she is, what she is, what she loves, and what she is good at. I finally understand my strengths and my weaknesses. This life will not go on forever, and even though I don’t feel old, and I’m not old, what has happened is that I’ve realized just how fast it’s going by. I’m just going to wake up one day and my kids will be grown, and I’ll be old. That’s OK...that is the cycle of life.