Love and Friendship

Geez....
Her again...invading my thoughts...this needs to fucking stop!

What a way to start a blog topic, but it’s what I keep thinking.

Ok...here it is, I’m saying it again. I went out to breakfast with her on Saturday, and I feel like a spurned lover.

Right now I’m just not liking how I feel very much.

I’ve said it a million and one times...i hate how I farking feel. It’s hard. It hurts. I’ve lost so much around this relationship, that I don’t even know how to go about putting it in words.

So I just keep whining about it, because really I’m in no position to do anything but mourn it right now. I have no intention of leaving my marriage, I have two kids to worry about, I love my husband, but damn it I fell in love with her by accident, and now I must deal with the repercussions of it all.

On a brighter front, I’ve reconnected with a good friend of mine in CA. She is the friend I met riding the train so long ago. For our purposes, I’ll call her Snoopy, and I just really missed her. You know how easy it is to lose people. One of you moves, or changes your phone number, or gets busy with life, and all the sudden, someone really important to you is MIA. No where to be found. Finally, I found her Emil Addy in my old old Emil account, and was able to track her down through Myspace. She is as happy to have found me, as I am to have found her. It really is a good thing when things start falling into place again.

Also, after a few year rift, my best friend and I are finally...finally mending our relationship. That has been a hole in my heart for almost 5 years now. I finally feel the anger, the hurt going away, and the love, understanding and compassion coming back. You know, you don’t replace 25 year old friendships...there is no way. With friendships that old, there is a history. An unspoken understanding, a knowledge because you lived a place in time together. And we did.

I guess the older I get, the more certain I am that some things must come full circle. I know...through the whole painful break up, I kept thinking, this wasn’t supposed to be like this. We were supposed to grow old together, rock on the porch together as old ladies. I never could get my head around it not happening. Slowly, so slowly, we were able to put things back together at least a little. I feel so grateful for this. I feel like this is the one thing in my life that had to come back to me.

I have lots of friends, and I’ve made lots of friends since I’ve moved here, but nothing can replace the old ones. The bonds that go so deep, they bond you for a lifetime. We have never really been able to stay out of each others lives. I’ve never wanted to stay out of her life.

So, I suppose if I look at it, part of me wonders if my relationship with "her", even though it took on a life of it’s own, was the closest thing I had experienced in replacing my best friend. Except I’ve never had sexual feelings for my best friend, and I did for her, I did and still do. But I will live, I will be strong, and I will live a happy life where I am now. I know in my heart, if things were to ever change, I will cross over to the other side of the fence.

I know it sounds like I’m making excuses, but I’m not. I truly do love my husband. I rely on him, and he is the only person I’ve been able to count on through the roughest years of my life. I need to be here for him, and for our kids, and because I want to be. I just feel a slight (ok, more than slight) tinge of sadness that I’m discovering this about myself now...at 44 years old.

My life though, is what I wanted, I wanted my kids more than I’ve ever wanted anything, and I have them, I have a lovely family, who loves me. I have a job with the government that I really enjoy, and I have finally put down some solid roots, as well as mending old fences. Maybe there is hope for me yet. But I do believe in my heart of hearts, I am a lesbian living a straight life.

Peace,

OC