What If?????

I keep thinking about Maria’s last post, the one about “what-if’s”.

There are so many “what-ifs” in my life. If I had made even one turn differently than I did, things could be so much different, but at what cost?

I have to say, I do agree with her about the soul-mate thing though. I have had way too many people come in and then leave my life to believe that there is only “one” person that I could be happy with. I know that is not true.

I really did love my ex-husband; he just didn’t love me the same way. If you want to know the truth, he was pretty much of a loser, but I did love him. If he had grown up differently, or with me, or something, we may have still been married. So then, that would mean I wouldn’t have the kids I do now. So there you have it, I have made the right choices, since I would and could never wish for different children.

This may sound so simplistic, but for me it comes down to my kids. On a soul level, I made the choices I did so that I could have the kids I have. I can see where I might be really happy living my life in a different place, with different people in it, but now that I’m where I’m at, I’m fairly happy with it. That being said, I do often wish I had made better, stronger choices earlier in my life.

If I had been able to see myself for what and who I am, even 10 years ago, my life would be so different, but would it be better? I don’t know, I really don’t. I know I am where I am, and I have decided that I want to be here. But there is the huge, “what-if” I were to really come out?? What if I were to leave my marriage, and go my own way? What would that life be like for me? Would I be happier?

I believe with my whole heart and soul that I have made the choices I have because I needed to learn something, even though I’m not sure what “it” is. As I age, I feel myself becoming stronger and less worried about who I am as a person. The result of which is that I am seeing ME clearly for the very first time. Does that mean I want to change my life now? No, it doesn’t. Does it mean that I’ve left the door open for some future change down the road if the time, place and circumstance is right? You betcha.

The biggest part of becoming a parent for me is the ability to see past my own needs. I chose to have children, and I owe it to them to make a good life for them. For now, that means staying married to their father, and taking care of them.

Sometime down the road, I’m sure I’ll be able to think about myself again, but right now, the needs of those babies come first. I feel so twisted and strangled sometimes, and then other times I feel like I can see myself so clearly.

What if I hadn’t moved away from my parents at such a young age? What if I hadn’t miscarried the baby I did when I was 27? What if I had finished school? What if I had come out in my 20’s? What if I never really “come-out” and live my life like this forver? So many “what-ifs” to ponder, I think I might short circuit my brain.

Peace,

OC