Do you ever wonder how it would be to totally step outside of yourself? To do the things that you’ve never done? To be brave in ways you have never been brave? It seems as if the older I get, the easier some things get, and others, just get harder.
I was just reading a post on RSG’s blog about how you “identify” and it has really got me to thinking about where I fit in, exactly. As always, RSG was very eloquent in her answer, but it started my mind tumbling around.
Do I fit in? Once upon a time I was the girl that had the fantasies about girls, who had never been with a girl. Now that I have been with a woman, and have intense feelings for that woman, I do identify as a lesbian, but, and here is the big huge but:
I’m married living a hetro life. I have no idea where I fit in or how I fit in. I know I’m not who I was before, but I am still the same person.
Does that make my feelings about myself less valid because I’m not living the life?
Because for now, I’ve decided that I want to honor the commitments I’ve made in my life make my feelings any less valid?
Don’t get me wrong, I know there are a lot of people who have discovered the same thing about them self and decided to take it by the horns and really come out to the world and life the life they want.
I respect that so much, and I see the braveness in it.
I respect my choice as well, and I want to feel free to identify how I identify.
I feel I can honestly identify as a lesbian.
My sexuality is something that I have discovered rather late in my life, and I’m sure I’m not going through a “phase”.
I think the question I can’t get my head around right now, is how do I, or how can I identify as a lesbian, is that an option for me? I'm sure some would say it is not.
But, since this is my life, and my blog, what does that realization mean to me, and to my family?
I don’t hate my husband, in fact I love him very much, he is a good husband who has never let me down.
He is a wonderful father to our kids. We have been to hell and back together, and I feel that counts.
It counts for me anyway.
So I move forward right now, doing what I feel is right for me and for my family. My gut is really the only guide I can go by in the end. I have to feel that I am making the correct choice for ME.
Someday I may tell him, or I may not. I reserve the right to make that choice when the time comes.
One thing I’m absolutely certain about though, is that this will be my last relationship with a man.
Be it until death do us part, or until the parting comes in a natural way.
I guess all I’m saying, is my feelings are still there, I know how I feel and am not willing to identify hetro any longer, even if I am by definition hetro.
On a sad note, today, I found out a coworker whom I don’t particularly like, lost his father in an auto accident fairly close to my house.
His father was just a few years older than my husband. It really made me step back and take a look around me.
The weird thing is my husband was working at his job at this store this morning, and told me “some guy” came in looking extremely upset asking for the sheriffs phone number because his dad was missing, and he couldn’t find him.
When I asked him to describe the guy, it was my coworker, I’m sure of it. I’m just so sad for him, to go looking for your parent, and then find out they have been in some horrible accident and have died.
So even though I don’t like the guy, I can’t get it out of my head, him looking for his dad and then finding out he was dead, what a terrible horror.
Peace,
OC
Good morning, OC. It's about 2 am here in CO, and I can't sleep--sound familiar? Your post brings up a lot of good points, as usual. I divorced my 1st husband in 1986, and it was 7 years till I found myself in another serious relationship. In between, I was single parent to a toddler/early school child, and had time for NO relationships! Then, I met a guy online, and we connected mentally, before we ever met, that was a different thing for me. But around the same time I was getting to know HIM, I also discovered a lot of lesbian BBS (this was when I first got online in 1992--no chat rooms then!), and started to realize that ALL of my deepest, truest, strongest, and longest lasting relationships had always been with women. I was/am entirely more comfortable around women. I LIKE being with and around women WAY more than men, etc. That was when I started questioning, even before I left Atlanta to move to Colorado and eventually marry my 2nd husband (the one I met online). He was a good guy, but he had a bad problem I didn't realize at first--he was an alcoholic. We were married for 8 years, 6 of them celibate. Those 6 years gave me a lot of time to think about what I wanted and who I wanted it with. I began to "identify" to myself as a lesbian, but just wasn't sure what to do with that with everything else going on! Finally, as the drinking progressed exponentially, and his health began to deteriorate, I realized I had to leave for my own sanity. We separated in late 2001. There was no other person involved, I did it for ME. My daughter had had a baby by then (at 17!), and she was moving in with her then boyfriend, so there was no reason to keep anything "togther". Less than a year after I left, he passed away in his house from alcohol. He was 44. By the time he passed, I had already met G., but our "real" relationship had just begun. She helped me get through that bizarre time, deal with the house, etc. (we never divorced, just separated, so I was "the widow"). I could not have got through that time without her, and knew then that my heart and soul lay in the love of another woman. I could not "go back". I think anyone can "identify" as anything in their own heart. How or whether you choose to live that is certainly up to you, and honoring a commitment and a supportive relationship is certainly not "wrong". I think the most important thing is to be honest and clear within, then the choices you make are conscious ones, and you know exactly WHY you are doing something, which always helps!
ReplyDeleteAs always, I wish you the best on this journey!
GG
Stressful indeed.
ReplyDeleteYou'll figure it out. You are who you are no matter where you fit in. Sometimes I don't think it's a matter of finding where you fit as much as it is fitting those things around you to yourself.
Me, if this relationship ends, I'm just plain done with them.
You can absolutely identify as a lesbian. And yes, you fit in.It's about how you are feeling inside that defines you. Looking back on my life, I can say that I was always a lesbian, even though I dated men till I was in my mid-twenties.
ReplyDeleteYou've already started your journey of who you want to be. And although it may take some time to feel settled, you will. And it will be wonderful.
I don't think we need to label ourselves beyond human -- what else is necessary. Labels are there to define us perhaps, constrain our behavior -- to isolate, to separate.
ReplyDeleteWho will feel better with a label? What do you need it for?
I loath labels and roles - I want to bend like the river, flowing where ever I go, growing in every direction.
oh, i wonder that often...
ReplyDeleteas for how a person identifies - we each choose for ourselves. let no one ever try to fit you into their definitions. it's taken me a while to realize that.
I was told once by a mentor and colleague, that (and maybe I have shared this before...but I truly believe in it).
ReplyDeletePeople come into our lives for:
a reason
a season
or a lifetime
It is your job to figure out and decide which one.
OC, what an insightful and thought-provoking post. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteUntil death do us part. I have pondered that phrase a lot lately. Is it a physical death, or death of the marriage? How do I reconcile staying with a man whom I do not love and who isn't interested in being married with "sticking with it for the kids" as he is not a bad man and he is a good father to the children? I feel like I am using him for financial and health benefits--and like I have said, that is not a strong enough basis for marriage, in my book...
...or perhaps my standards are way too high.
So in the course of self-definition we find we are on the mistaken path--what do we do? Continue on, even if we sacrifice being true to ourselves by being true to a promise? Are we "selfish" for looking out for Number 1?
It's tough, no matter how you cut this cookie. I'm in the same situation but in a completely different way and trying to initiate a separation.
Thank you for your candidness--amazing how we are all so NOT-alone.
Be well, OC.