It Happens

It sort of blows my mind how much you depend on, and take for granted working body parts.

OK, I know this is not the most interesting topic in the world, but think about it. What do you do if all the sudden, your body is out of commission for awhile?

Your legs, no matter if you like the way the "look" or not, carry you through life.

When something goes wrong with them, you realize that ugly or not, fence post like or not, they have a very high value to your quality of life.

I have aways hated, hated my legs...but they worked.

Now that they are not working the way I would like them to, I'm falling a little more in love with them, how weird is that?

I know, for me being in constant pain for the last 6 weeks or so has really done a number on my mental health. I find that I'm tired, cranky and overwhelmed at the least little tasks.

I had babysitters all weekend because I couldn't figure out how for the life of me I was going to pull off Little Old Crone's Birthday Party on Saturday without help.

He also had a friend who was having a birthday party on Sunday. What is usually a no-brainer, all the sudden becomes a huge obstacle.

I was worried about taking the little girl Old Crone out with the little boy Old Crone because she has a penchant for running off to sew her oats.

Being the two year old speed daemon that she is, I knew there would be no way for me to catch her, so I had my baby sitter help me for both days (hubby was working).

Sure enough, she took off on me in a crowded parking lot, thank goodness for Miss M, my ever loving and faithful babysitter.

She went running after her an caught her before she got too far down the road.

It saved my sanity, even if my pocketbook is worse for wear.

So here I am, 3 days post surgery, and almost 44 years old. I suddenly realize just how fragile life is, how little it takes to completely put a huge dent in your plans.

I refuse to be one of those people who wallow around in misery feeling like a huge victim. So my knee god damned hurts...so fucking what??? I'm going back to work tomorrow. I can sit around there and hurt just as easy as I can sit around here. Besides, if it gets too bad, I can always work 1/2 day.

I'm using this experience to get myself back on track. I know there is no place to go from here, except down down....it's time to own up to the fact I'm in my 40's, have two children 5 and under and am completely out of shape with a bum knee.

I need to own this!

I need to wear it like a badge.

I have to use a fucking cane this week...a god damned cane!!!!! WTF????

So here is what is rattling around in my overused mind, (I have had entirely too much time to think this week), it's either shit or get off the proverbial pot.

Use it or Lose it!

Things will not get better from this point on, unless I work for them. I don't have the glorious gift of youth on my side any longer. I am not old. But I feel old.

Losing baby weight is not easy in your 20's, it's especially not easy in your 40's.

I am strong though, I got through two high risk pregnancies, I was life-flighted during the last one because I was so sick with pre-eclampsia. I had two preemies, whose combined birth weight was 5.5 lbs. I have spent 3 months in the NICU between them. I camped in my trailer for 2 months so I could be near the NICU to be close to my little baby girl.

I have survived preemie hell, with oxygen; apnea monitors; speech delays; pediatric cardiologists; neonatal doctors I couldn't stand; nurses I couldn't stand.

On the flip side, there were both nurses and doctors whom I loved, and who got me through the hell that was the NICU, but what I'm trying to eek out here is that I became a strong advocate for my babies.

I didn't let people push me around even if they were in a position of power over me, I stood up for what was right for MY kids.

I was able to be the strong mama for my babies when they needed me, so I see no reason that now, when things are easier with them, that I can't be the strong mama they need now, and get my ass back in shape.

But I have determination on my side. I have the knowledge of who I am and how I work on my side.

I wouldn't go back to my 20s, even with the promise of being in the shape I was then. I like who I am now. I know who I am now.

I've grown up for the most part.

When I was in my 20's, I had these really pretty blue lapis/silver earrings that I named "persistence" I have lost them.

I need to find something that will symbolize this in my life now.

So, as Forrest Gump so aptly said in the movie, "Forrest Gump"..."It Happens"

Peace,

OC