My Painted Desert

I’m running full speed going the wrong direction.

I’m so full of contradictions, that I can’t stand myself. I’m the same as I’ve always been, and then I’m so incredibly different.

I love my blog, but I haven’t shared it with any real life friends, except for one very dear friend whom I never see. Most of my friends, I know would be OK with it, but I still feel the need for a place that I can share, without exception. For me, that doesn’t include sharing this part of me with my family and friends.

What if I said something that would really hurt them, while just trying to process my feelings about it?

I’ve thought about telling my best friend, but at the same time, I think being able to write without feeling like you have to hold back is important, at least it is for me.

I have my blog for my family and friends, and then I have BearsMountain. There are a number of things I don’t post on my other blog, because I don’t want to offend anyone, or I don’t want to get in an argument with them. I have very conservative aunts and uncles.

I have some conservative friends, and I know I’m never going to change them, as they are never going to change me.

I need privacy, to express myself. I think even if I was “out” and everything was on the table, I would still need to have my “real” blog. I need to be vent about my life, or what is the point? I need to be able to process my feelings, without feeling like someone is judging me, or taking my inventory. I’m a changing butterfly right now, and I need to have my changing room.

I really love the people I’ve met while blogging. They are some of the most compassionate people I’ve found in my life, and it is like I have a whole new life, a whole new group of people, who think like me, agree with me, to bounce my life off of.

What has been really hard for me, is that I KNOW there are people out in this big huge world like me, but we are spread out so far. By blogging, I’ve been able to come into contact with these people. It allows me to have a community in my life, which simply does not exist in the town I live in. If I still lived in SF, at this point in my life, I know things would be much easier, but I don’t. This is now my reality, and for the most part, I’m happy with where I live.

This will be a great place for my kids to grow up. Montana is much more liberal than I had ever anticipated, but there is still the old school conservative view here that is alive and thriving.

I do have daydreams about pick up and moving back to civilization, but they are only that, day dreams at this point. I’m not sure I’d move back to CA, even if I was going to move. I would really like to experience some new places, although, but my heart will always be in San Francisco.

So what do I do? Who am I turning into? What does the future hold for me? I’m just not sure anymore. I am coming into my own, for the first time in my life. I feel stronger than I’ve ever felt. I feel the overwhelming need for joy, love and passion. I don’t know if I’ll be able to hold that back much longer, even if I try. My need is growing stronger by the day, but I still do not know what this holds for me.

I probably won’t until I make a leap.

I know I’ve said this before, but it amazes me, I lived in one of the most liberal places for most of my adult life, but I was so constricted inside. When I moved to the boondocks, all the sudden I’m facing the “me” that I’ve always been, and not just facing “me”, but having to deal with “me”.

I guess, in the end, that place is BearsMountain. This is the place I am finding myself. I wandered in here in one place, and I know I’ll have to wander out a different door.

I have a problem with patience though. I want what I want, when I want it. I want to let go and jump, but I don’t know how.

Maybe it is like wandering though a painted desert, you have to look really hard to find the paintings.

Peace,

OC