A Little Mental Wandering

When I was young, I used to picture myself living in a "city". Somewhere. I could feel this, almost like it was a past life, who knows?

Now I know what you are thinking, OC, you DID live in a city, for years. I know, I did. But it never matched up with the fantasy I had when I was a kid.

I used to picture myself living in some big city, most likely New York, Boston or Montreal. I had an old funky apartment with a radiator for heat. It would be filled with plants, books and the smells of a city. It would have stairs, and an old funky elevator with a cage that had to close for it to go up. I lived alone. There would be classical music playing often, maybe Vivaldi. Old leather books, old antique furniture.

For work, I would either be a writer, or work in a book store, but the sort of old school book store that smells musty. When you walk into it, you know there are old books all around. There too would be classical music playing. Sort of in the vein of "Crossing Delancy" that old movie with Amy Irving (who I've always had a crush on). I would have lots of family around, but not the family I have, very colorful people, and I always pictured them Jewish.

I know this is a weird fantasy for a kid to have, but I did. I wanted it so bad, and when I moved to SF, I never saw this side. I was too busy trying to survive. I did have glimpses of it. The Check bar I used to hang out in, or when I would hit "House of Bagels". But I never felt part of that community or any community for that matter.

While I was doing chores around the house today, I started thinking about this, how the only way I'm ever going to experience this, is in my head. I live in the middle of Montana now, and I'm fairly sure, I'm here to stay. This is where I'm lying down roots, this is where I want my children to grow up. That being said, it's hard to let go of a dream that old.

There is something about the middle of a city that just gets to me. Maybe it's the smells of different foods cooking everywhere. I don't know, it just appeals to me in the worst way. Even when I would wander around SF, in the Tenderloin, or the Haight, it would feel so...alive. People everywhere. Hearing street music while walking down the street, or hearing someone fighting in an apartment above you.

I'm not even sure where I'm going with this right now, except that I'm having the worst urge just to run away. To get away, from here, from my life, and be where it's alive again. I know, the reality of that, will never match the fantasy, but it's hard not to dream about it.

I'd love to just run off, for a week and have a mad love affair. Go out to fabulous places to eat, stay in a wonderful hotel, and be with someone amazing. Maybe that would wake me up. I want to know why it the grass always looks greener on the other side of the fence?

So the question is now, who am I going to run off with for a week, and where the heck am I gonna go?

Peace,

OC