BearsMountain: Lost in Montana

November 24, 2008

Lost in Montana

I'm having a homesick month.

Montana, is a beautiful place, and in a lot of ways, it is home for me now. Home for the OC that is a Mom. Home for the OC that is pretty stable.

But....but.....it's not home.

CA will always be home. San Francisco will always be home. I grew up in a tiny, ugly desert town, but I longed for the sea. For the crashing of waves, and the salty fishy smell of the beach. For the cool mist and blue water. For the people that are drawn to the coast. I'm not sure why the ocean is my home, but it has always been that.

When I was a small child, I knew I needed to be near the sea. I ran for the water as soon as I was able too. You know that smell, salty air, with seafood frying that is so pungent, but so much part of the beach? That is my favorite smell. My favorite sound is the squawking of gulls, in search of food.

I sometimes see stray sea gulls in the parking lot at Walmart here, and I think, poor little dudes, you are just like me, sea creatures that are land locked.

It's been a bad week, a hard week. It's been a week of wanting to run away, and free myself of everything that is holding me back.

So, instead of crying about it tonight, I spent the night writing to my state rep's about different topics that I feel are important. I need my voice to be heard.

I wish I could just wiggle my nose and be gone into a new life that feels like me.

Peace,

OC

8 comments:

Rose11/24/2008 11:44 PM
I love the ocean too. My Tess spent several years in San Francisco and when I read your post tonight it reminded me of her words. She loved the smell of the city but mostly she loved all the excitment the city offered. She said she felt more free there than anywhere else.

I lived there (stayed with my aunt and uncle) for the summer when I was 8. Learned to swim at Golden Gate Park. I wish I would have been able to spend more time there. I still would like to see Alcatraz up close.
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Martini Cartwheels11/25/2008 2:59 AM
"I wish I could just wiggle my nose and be gone into a new life that feels like me."

I wish you could too. And I wish I could give you better advice on how to do that. I'm sorry you are not having a great week. I believe one day you will have what you want, be by the ocean, be really free to be you. I think one day you'll just do it, when you are truly ready.
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Ruby Red11/25/2008 5:24 AM
Did you ever read the Lord of the Rings? There's a character named Legolas who's a woodland elf from far inland in Middle-Earth, but when his journeys take him near the sea, and he hears his first sea gull, it strikes a chord deep inside and triggers something that will never let him rest until he returns to the true home of all the elves far over the sea to the west. So maybe...you have elvish blood in ye!
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Anonymous11/25/2008 7:17 AM
I too am from the sea (Atlantic side) and feel the pull of the tides, especially in sad times. I keep a jar filled with sand and shells near me which I open and take in the briny smell when I want to transport myself back.

Life is a journey which takes us down strange roads. But I beleive the sea is always in us.
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Anna11/25/2008 4:44 PM
I don't live near the sea, but I grew up surrounded by the great lakes, and in a small town divided by two rivers. Where I live now, water is not close by, and I miss it.

I think if you were able to express yourself fully, and be free, you would feel a lot better, no matter where you live. I'm hoping and praying that those days come for you soon.
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Anonymous11/25/2008 6:18 PM
Ah, OC, frustrated pisces here who has always dreamed of living by the sea... so i understand the lure. You'll get there...
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Janet11/25/2008 6:56 PM
But you've taken one step closer to the ocean remember that. Accept where you are while moving.

And you dear are moving!
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Martini Cartwheels11/27/2008 8:35 AM
Just popping in to say Happy Thanksgiving!
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31 & Falling -- Chris Pureka
Beauty & The Beast --Stevie Nicks
Blood and Fire -- Indigo Girls
Bridge Over Troubled Water -- Aretha Franklin
Cold Shoulder -- Amy Ray
Cross Over To Me--Caitie Curtis
Drift Away -- Dobie Gray
I Knew I Loved You -- Savage Garden
I'm So Lonesome I Could Cry -- Cowboy Junkies
If I Needed You -- Lyle Lovett
Imagine -- John Lennon
In Memory Of Trees -- Enya
Me & My Baby--Amy Ray
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Romeo & Juliet--Indigo Girls
Sexuality -- KD Lang
The Weakness In Me -- Joan Armatrading
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Where I Stood--Missy Higgins
You Can Sleep While I Drive -- Melissa Etheridge
You're The Reason -- Antigone Rising

81 Things About Me

81 Things About Me

1. I'm blond.
2. I'm the oldest child.
3. I got my drivers license on my 16th birthday.
4. My favorite color is red.
5. I've never been skiing.
6. I never want to go skiing.
7. I went to catholic high school for one year.
8. My cat is 18 years old.
9. My car is always messy.
10. My kitchen is always clean, even when the rest of my house is a mess.
11. I spent years wearing acrylic fingernails.
12. I can sing the songs to every episode of the Backyardigans.
13. I can sing every song of the wiggles.
14. I have fat calves.
15. My favorite shoes are Birkenstocks and Keens.
16. I have a weakness for vanilla smelling anything body products.
17. I'm a burrito snob.
18. I'm a really good cook.
19. I love to cook.
20. I have a fire engine red Kitchen Aide mixer that I will never divorce.
21. I'm a Stevie Nick's fanatic.
22. I lived by the beach for 20 years.
23. I have a lot of Barry Manilow on my iPod.
24. I have a lot of Bon Jovi on my iPod.
25. I got my ears pierced for the 1st time when I was 10.
26. I have two kids.
27. I'm a terrible student.
28. I'm terribly nosy, and will google you.
29. My favorite fruit is watermelon.
30. My favorite TV show is Criminal Minds.
31. I love Sex and the City.
32. I'm trying to figure out who will actually go see SATC with me a the theater.
33. I've never owned a new car.
34. I'll probably never own a new car.
35. My pets all live to be extremely old.
36. I have a red car.
37. I nursed my son for 2 1/2 years.
38. I was only able to nurse my daughter for 4 months.
39. I still have boxes of albums and no turntable to play them on.
40. 50 is getting closer than I'm comfortable with.
41. I own a Ron Popiel Showtime Chicken Roaster.
42. I use aforementioned roaster at least once a week.
43. I used to be a chain smoker.
44. I quit smoking cold turkey. I've never had another ciggarette.
45. I'm a coffee addict.
46. I have really good hair.
47. I have really bad legs.
48. I love down comforters.
49. I love flannels sheets, but not with down comforters.
50. I used to be a fairly good potter.
51. I've had a computer since they were on DOS.
52. This is my 2nd Mac computer.
53. I'll never own a PC computer again.
54. My favorite junk food is Dorritos dipped in sour cream.
55. My favorite drinks are Tom and Jerry's.
56. I can't stand any kind of light colored beer.
57. I've seen a bear.
58. I used to be very shy when I was a child.
59. I'd kill for a Noah's Bagel.
60. I'm a night owl.
61. I babble in the car, I love to talk.
62. I never expected people to actually read my blog.
63. I am an expensive perfume whore.
64. I have a temper.
65. I work hard to control my temper.
66. I grew up in the desert.
67. I hate sushi.
68. I love Diet Coke.
69. I hate Diet Pepsi.
70. I made all my kids baby food.
71. My 1st car was a 76 Yellow Honda Civic Hachback with a black stripe.
72. I worked in an amusment park for the fee rides on the roller coasters.
73. I miss "MTV", the real old "MTV".
74. I have 3 piercings in each ear.
75. I have no tatoo's.
76. I really don't like chocolate that much.
77. I love gummi bears.
78. White gummi bears are my favorite.
79. I shave my legs every day.
80. I love Disco music.
81. I can drive a stick shift.