The Realignment

Is that a word? Of course it is.

I'm in a funky mood. I just looked on Facebook.

"She" came to town, and had some nice visits with friends, except me. Not a phone call, email, or text to be had.

I admit it, I'm pissed. Pissed because I thought we had worked through all this crap and were still friends, but here is the thing. I keep constantly getting my feelings hurt. She is too busy, all the time, but this only seems to hold true for me.

I'm not pining over her, not at all, but it's basic friendship I'm talking about. I hate this crap. So I deleted her off my Facebook friends, and decided I'm done for now. I can't keep getting my feelings hurt and that is what is happening to me, constantly.

I try to suck it up, then I get hurt. Why? What the fuck did I do?

This very thing, is what I have been working on so hard for the last few years. I think this is why it bothers me so much. I have gotten to the point, that I'm not really willing to expend the energy to put so much into a friendship anymore, unless it's really important to me, and this was.

I have been busily reconnecting with a ton of people from my past. I am getting people back in my life I never imagined I would get back. I feel like the circle is starting to complete itself. I got an email from an old friend from HS last week. We weren't great friends, but we were friends, but it was wonderful to reconnect. Life really is about the people you have in it.

I have mended fences and rebuilt bridges. I have even made a very special new friend.

So I'm done with "her", at least for now.

I'm going to cherish what I do have. I am really starting to believe that people do come in and out of your life for reasons. I thought she was a friend that was going to stay, because honestly, it wasn't all about sex at all, it was about the connection.

I may be making too much out of it, but honestly, my gut is usually right. I think I scare her, or remind her of what she might really be, who knows? I know who I am though. I expect so much from my friends. I expect them to give, what I give. I'm not willing to be half there anymore.

My 30's were a time when I let friendships fall apart. My 40's seem to be when I am able to mend them.

The biggest hurt, other than my dad dying, was losing my best friend. We were/are family. We fell apart. This hurt me more than my divorce. I'm sure it hurt her as well. We were both in bad, vulnerable places. I was a big shit to her. I didn't help her when I should have. We were both incredibly hurt, and our friendship broke down. This is the one thing I trusted in with all my heart. It took years to forgive. We've missed a lot. But we have forgiven. At least I have, and I believe she has as well. She has always been closer to me than even my own family. I love her more than I can ever tell her.

She knows my history, and I know hers. Why am I telling you this? It's because I want to really express how much I value my friends now. I understand deep down, that they must be cared for like garden flowers. Even the strongest hardiest ones will wither and die if you don't tend them carefully.

My energy needs to go back into my historic friendships. The ones I started out this life with. My energy needs to go to my few newer friendships that I believe with my whole heart, will be lifetime ones (I know you know who you are and I hope you understand what I'm saying).

So my inner angry 2 year old says enough for now. I try to walk the high road, but sometimes the high road just hurts too much. I'm not perfect, but I am working hard to improve the relationships I have in my life.

I think seeing my grandma this weekend really did make this clear to me. People need other people. It's a human thing. I sat there watching her this weekend, answering her endless repetitive questions, happy to do so. I just hung out and held her old gnarled hand. I'm OK with this. It was peaceful, it was good for my soul to just see her. To see my past. To realize I came from this very very strong woman. She is 96, she is up in her wheel chair, hair done, earrings in, lipstick on and forgetful as hell. But she still cares. She is still making plans to go "home". I told her, "in the spring grandma, when you feel better", and she said "OK".

She wanted a "big Coke with lots of ice", so I brought her one. She sipped on that Coke all afternoon, and really loved it. She introduced me proudly, over and over as "her oldest granddaughter". It made me very happy to see her happy.

It made a difference. Does it matter that she doesn't remember it now? Probably not. Did it make a difference yesterday when I was holding her hand? Absolutely.

So I had a good weekend. I learned a lot from my 96 year old grandma. I took lots of rejuvenating baths in a huge tub.


I slept a lot, and I listened to beautiful music while driving back home through beautiful country.


If you made it this far, you get a gluten free cookie!

Peace,

OC