Free 'Old Crone' Bird

It has been an amazing few days hasn't it? I have hardly been able to speak, I've been so overjoyed at this inauguration. I was unable to watch it, I listened live on the radio at work. I nearly cried happy tears at my desk while he was giving his acceptance speech. What can I say, this is the best news of the year.

On to me.

You've probably noticed I've been in sort of a lull with the blogging lately. Yeah, that's right, OC, the notorious 3 posts in one day gal, has been having a hard time with it. I have probably 6 or 7 posts, half started, in drafts that never have made it, due mostly to the kids, and me losing my train of thought.

The other thing that I've been dealing with this week, are my feelings for hubby. I have my resolve. I think he must sense it. All the sudden, he is being considerate. Being nice to the kids, I haven't heard a cross word out of him all week around the kids. It makes it ever so much harder when he gets like this. Not that I don't want him like this, I do.

He even came home tonight, saying he was really going to try to quit smoking ciggs. All the while I'm planning one really nice birthday party for him, and planning on how to make my escape. I'm tangled. I am confused. I go to my therapist tomorrow night. I'm sure that will turn me into a bit of a wreck. I'm creeping forward at such a slow pace.

I think my new meds are starting to work, I'm feeling more hopeful than I've felt in quite some time. Maybe they are pulling me out of this horrid depression I've been in for months. I knew I needed some sort of adjustment. Maybe it's also that I have started actually walking down the road, not just talking about walking.

I was talking to "her" on IM tonight. I told her that I had been reading lots of blogs. I'm sure, she could find this one if she wanted to, but after our conversation tonight, I'm not sure I care. I said some things that felt so freeing to me. I told her how hard it was to "get over her" and still not feel like I was losing one of my best friends. I told her how deeply I had felt about her at the time, and that she wasn't the reason I was gay, but she is the reason I realized I was gay. We had a good healing conversation, one that we needed to have. I've gotten back to that open place with her, that I never thought I would. She is one of the people in my life, that really knows what is going on, down to the last minute details, and is still there. She is a trusted one.

She told me that she would have probably proceeded with our relationship, if I had been single, it was the cheating factor that got to her so badly, same as it was with me. It was freeing to hear that. Freeing to know that I wasn't crazy, and that the feelings were fairly mutual. Freeing to tell her, I really felt "over" her, but at the same time, felt like I still had the best part of her friendship as well.

I told "her" I had been doing a lot of writing, and that I had made some pretty amazing blog friends who have given me so much support over the last year. I think she was worried I was falling for a Nigerian Love/Money scheme, I had to assure her that wasn't the case. Still, I did not offer up my blog to her. If she finds it on her own, so be it, but I'm not ready for that just yet.

I've been fighting so hard to keep my head above water here in this town. I really have no friends that I feel able to confide in, or feel like I would even want to confide in.

I'm OK though. I'm making it. I'm putting one foot in front of the other and moving. I'm not feeling stagnant. I wonder if hubby acting better is because I've been feeling better?

I haven't really tried to work on the sleep issue this week, I have been trying to get my head around it though, and to work through my feelings of rebellion because I know "D" (my therapist) thinks I need to, but I feel like a naughty child, saying, hell no, I'm not losing my nights. I do think she has a point. I think I need more sleep. I also think sleep is a huge wast of my time, and I have always thought that. When I finally get into bed, I'm always struck by just how good it feels, but I nearly always am sitting up, cross=legged on my bed, writing something on my beloved Macbook. Blogging, journal writing, what ever....thoughts spilling out of my head a mile a minute. I have to turn off my head to go to sleep, this is done with my iPod, and the help of a small sleep agent from my Dr. My goal is to try to come to some sort of resolution about the sleep within a month.

The thing is, my rational head can hear what she is saying, but the rest of me, is just saying it's a load of crap, that me being a night owl is who I am, who I've always been, essential to my mental health. I'm not sure how losing my "nights" is going to help me. I have to figure this out. Two or three days off work, and I slip right back into going to bed at 3 or 4 AM. It doesn't take me long at all.

I just wonder if I'm much crazier than I think I am. I don't see how. I run around constantly, parenting two small kids, working full time for the government, shuffling kids, cleaning house, doing laundry, and this small part of my life is what keeps me real I think.

Changing topics, I really wanted to post Obama's acceptance speech, but the ones I found on Youtube were so filled with vile racist comments, I didn't want them associated with my blog, so, if you haven't already, go to www.whitehouse.gov, you can see it there, and you can read it there.

Since I'm feeling oddly free tonight, I'm posting this song, Freebird by Lynrd Skinyrd, Freebird.

Did I ever tell you OC has a major soft spot for southern rock? Well now you know another one of my dirty little secrets....

Enjoy,

Oh, and Miss S....I know this song won't get to you, but I also know, that you know I'm a dork and love it.

Peace,

OC