It's been a hard day today. I think the realization of what I'm doing is starting to smack me in the face. I feel so sad. Therapy is much harder than I thought it would be.
Tonight, she said that not sleeping really does have to do with my mental health, the safety I feel at night, that I need to work on sleeping, and getting physically ready for this. Like I'm training for a marathon. I agree, and I don't. I've never slept much. I love the nights, I'm not ready to give that up just yet.
So here I sit, sleepy, defiant, listening to this song over and over, yearning.
How am I ever going to make it? I feel so torn. Tonight I told hubby I was going to therapy. He didn't really ask why. My friend said she wouldn't really ask her spouse either, that she would assume if he wanted her to know, that he would tell her.
I don't know how I feel about it. Hubby has been getting increasingly affectionate, even as I feel myself pulling away. I want to cry, but OC doesn't cry. I only sit and pretend that I will cry later. I remember many times, even when my dad died, bursting into tears, only to feel like I was "faking" it. I don't know how to cry.
I should have went through this pain years ago. Now is the time I'm supposed to be happy and content, not like an anguished teenager about to break into a million pieces with the whole world on her shoulders.
Damn this fucking pain anyway. I'm breaking apart. I never thought I could hurt this much. It's worse in the still of the night, even though this is the only time I really feel like me.
I want out of this, I didn't sign up for this.
Maybe I'm just going fucking crazy.
I wonder if I look as tormented on the outside, as I feel on the inside.
Anyone want an invitation to OC's personal pity party?
Seriously though folks...I know I need to go through this, to come out on the other side. There must be lessons that I need to learn. There has to be a reason for all this.
Dear God, if you are out there, give me the courage to put myself back together.
Peace,
OC
You are doing important, difficult work - it will not be easy, no one promises us easy. But moving towards our essential selves is always simpler than any other path.
ReplyDeleteAnd actually I think what you are going through is pretty common in mid-life which for many women is a time for re-evaluation and a time we finally give birth to ourselves.
Consider reading Pema Chodron's books...I think they would help you, especially now.
take care-
janet
Sweetie, it hurts me just to read this. I can imagine what you must be going through. I'm sending you some long-distance, cold weather hugs.
ReplyDeleteThe first time I heard Three County Highway, I was driving home from a camping trip on the fourth of July, the kids were sleeping in the back seat, and I bawled like a baby. it felt so good.
If you ever need to talk, you know my e-mail. You are strong. You will get through this.
I never know what to say. I know you write here to get your feelings out and examine them. You may or may not want opinons, or to hear about others experiences...I just would feel voyeuristic if I didn't leave you a comment.
ReplyDeleteSo please forgive my not know what would help, but know that I care.
You are not coming apart at the seams, it only feels that way right now. Can I suggest that you find a way to cry? Get it outside of yourself? It took me until the first holiday the kids spent with their dad, without me...and i ran a hot bath, put on some soft music, and soaked in the tub and wailed. I should have done it sooner, but was afraid I might never stop. I still do not cry often, but will watch sappy movies and tears well up.
ReplyDeleteTake a deep breath, know what you are doing is right and necessary. Take care of yourself and your kids.
HUGS
I'm so sorry you have to go through all of this OC. I have a pretty good feeling that you are and extremely strong woman. I know you are going to get through this. Please now that you are in my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteTotally off topic:
ReplyDeleteI'm sitting here listening to NPRs broadcast of the Inaugural Concert. Tears in my eyes as Tom Hanks reads the script from Copeland's Lincoln Portrait. Hearing rock and gospel come together all in a voice to rejoice this great moment in our country's history...
...and I know you put YOUR ALL into making this happen. For all of us.
Thank you for that, OC. I just really felt compelled to write and tell you that.
Be well.
Thank you ML....I'm sitting here waiting for Barack to give his comments today. It struck me last night how profound this is, really hit me and made me cry. I know we are still in for a rough road, but I feel like we've got the right man for the job. I'm so so excited and proud to see this day come.
ReplyDeleteOH my, dear, this post sounds JUST LIKE ME two years ago, only my story is a bit different. Two years ago I finally embraced my authentic inner self, I am a transgender lesbian woman. I know it sounds weird, but the pain, the struggle, the inner turmoil, it almost ended me. And yet I can totally relate to your inner struggle, and that desire to just somehow break through, to the other side (yeah, I don't like The Doors all that much LOL) .
ReplyDeleteWhat I'm saying is that you're on your way. Your acknowledging who you are. The pain is real, but the torment of denying who you are is worse. You're reaching out, now just breathe back in the knowledge that you have friends who support you and know you're not wacko.
You will smile again, hon. I promise. Someday.
awwwww OC, it's me again, your twin you never met. i can ditto every feeling you had in this last post. the indigo girls and melissa etheridge kept me alive during my process of finding me. specially the girls "closer to fine, kid fears, blood and fire," shit too many to name.. and ME many songs. i think the reason it is so painful now at this age, is because we were supposed to find ourselves in our teenage years and for some reason, didnt, maybe we werent ready, or denied it, i dunno. but i think thats why it hurts so much now. i used to ache SO bad in my soul that i would curl up in a ball and literally be crippled from the pain. i thought of suicide but didnt really want to die, i just wanted the pain to stop. i really connect with music and it helped me so much. my therapist helped me sort out my feelings, so i am glad you have one. i wish i could say more to magically take you to where you will end up being and surpass all this pain. but i cant. i swear, if you hang on, you will be stronger in the end, when you arrive to yourself. you will look back and know who you are, and that it took whatever you had to do, to find you. just as childbirth is very painful but we go through it, it doesnt kill us, and we have that perfectness when it is over, and we would do it again if we could... even though it really hurt... going through this is like that, but emotionally.
ReplyDeleteyou will get here OC. take one day at a time. one hour at a time, when needed. my therapist always told me "there's no way out, but through"
sending prayer and hugs,
C