And So It Begins......

Not sure where to even start this post.

Last night, I came home from a terrible expedition to one of the bookstores here in town, and realized half way home I was totally crying. I lost it in my car. Totally lost it.

When I came in, the kids came running up wanting kisses, so I kissed them. Then hubby wanted one so I kissed him. I started up the stairs to "my" room, and he said, "take off those earphones".

I said, "huh?" To which he was not the least bit amused.

I made it to the bathroom in my room before I collapsed into tears again. I just sat there, seat down on the toilet for about 30 minutes crying.

Then I climbed into my bed and faked sleep. He came in and asked me, "what's wrong?"

I again said "nothing" and hid my head. I didn't hear from him again.

I know, atrocious behavior on my part.

I nearly left him a note by the coffee pot this morning telling him I'm sorry.

Instead, this is what I emailed him.

'Hey,

I’m sorry about last night, I couldn’t sit down with the kids in tears, so I hid, I’m sorry.

I’ve been having a really hard time lately. We really need to talk very soon.

I need to get out tonight and clear my head. I’ll be home tonight, I’m just not sure when. I need do some journaling to get my thoughts straight. Please understand I need some space right now. I’ll park outside so I don’t wake the kids up when I come home.

Little Miss and Small Son both need baths tonight, and Small Son needs to do his homework. There are TV dinners in the freezer downstairs for all of you if you don’t want to cook.

Me'

I did feel that I owed him some sort of explanation and an apology for treating him like shit, but I wasn't ready to talk to him just yet. I also didn't want him waking me up this morning for an explanation.

He called me at work this afternoon and left a message (which he never does) for me to call him. I started feeling panicked so I texted him "what?"

In case you are wondering, I finally did call him. I told him that I was terribly unhappy, to which he said "I am too". I knew it. I knew he was just as unhappy as I am. I told him we were going to have to talk soon, and he said, "yeah, I know."

So, I'm now sitting in my coffee house trying to gather the strength I'm going to need to do this. Maybe it won't be as bad as I think, he was very calm and reasonable on the phone. He sounded sad, not angry, like he knew it was coming and was resigning himself to it.

I'm feeling panicked still, like I've opened the door and I won't be able to shut it. I don't want to shut it, but it's the just knowing I can't that makes me catch my breath. I'm high on too much coffee so I actually ordered a decaf latte which I never do. I'm the only one in here right now except the guy working here. It's raining outside, like it's raining in my heart.

I'm not sure what I'm going to tell him. I will start with, "I want out" and see how that goes. No need to spill all my beans before it's time. I still can't believe I've done this. All week I've saying to myself, just do it. OK...so I'm doing it. I'm keeping with the plan. I can't believe I'm actually keeping with the plan.

On top of all of this today, I had a crappy day at work. This time it wasn't even boss related. It was co-worker related. About noon, I went over to my friends desk, and she had Taco Bell on her desk. I sort of said, "brat, next time you go there tell me" and she said OK.....I figured she just stopped on her way back, no biggie. Then I walked back to my desk, noticing on my way that my other 2 co-workers also had Taco Bell on their desk. It then occurred to me that someone went to Taco Bell and didn't ask me. Geez, I was furious. I looked at my co-worker that sits next to me, and said, "so everyone got Taco Bell and no one asked me?" She looked at me with a sort of semi-blank look on her face and said, "No, it was spur of the moment." Which didn't fly with me at all, since how do you coordinate lunch for three people on the "spur of the moment" and why would it had been any harder to call me too? She then asked me "if I wanted one of her Taco's". I said "no, thanks."

I went back to my desk, and emailed my friend, the one that I talked to first and said, "You all went to Taco Bell without asking me, I guess I don't live here anymore." I wanted to see how she reacted because I suspected it was co-worker #2 that did this, and I wanted to make sure. I became sure really fast by how co-worker #1 reacted.

I swear, I didn't need this today at all. I pretty much just lost in on email with my friend and told her I was done with this juvenile crap...I know she didn't do it. I am done with it. I'm done with the bullshit...

Peace,

OC