All Over My Map

I'm all over the map today. Up...down...up...down. I find myself confronting that old adage that there will never be a "good" time.

Last night was horrible. Hubby was in a total funk. I fought myself from sucking up and trying to make it better. I didn't. But it was a fight. I let him get mad, not talk, etc...

It's like, we have a bad day, we need to have a good day. I can't take it with the kids. I think he is resigning himself to the eventuality that we are going to go our separate ways. I am trying so hard to do this too.

I realized (or I should say spoke with a friend about it) that I'm grieving as well. I think that is what I'm doing. I have such a hard time letting go. I think of the things we do together, and do together well. Camp, ride, hang out, parent, etc...it's hard to reconcile that this is going to end. I get fed up, and I'm ready to bolt, and then I come back down. I feel pushed to make decisions even as far into my process as I am, that I'm not ready to make yet.

"T" says I have to tell him, that it's hurting the kids, and I know that is partially true, we had one big fight that I'm sure the kids did hear. I also know I have no idea how custody is going to work for us. I can't imagine going even one day without my kids, and I'm pretty sure he is in the same place. I watched him dye Easter Eggs with Small Son today, and it hit me just how much he really does love the kids, and the kids and I are all he has.

So how do I justify taking that away from him? I know I won't take the kids "away" but it's going to be hard to be without them for both of us. It's going to be hard on both of us. As sure as I am that I don't want to sleep with him, and that I'm not in love with him, I'm just as sure he feels like my family and I'm not sure how to change or let that go.

Now, I know it can be done. I know there are lots of you that have done it, and you are the ones that I am trying to think about through this process. Hubby and I have to redefine our "family" it doesn't have to go away.

I know tomorrow I'm going to drop the whole thing for the kids sake. It's Easter, they are so excited about the Easter Bunny and the Egg Hunt we are taking them too at the school. I am going to tell him though that I need to get out this week and chill out. I haven't taken my laptop out to write in over a month. I've been making sure I spend a lot of time with the kidlets, they have been so clingy and emotional, and I feel like I can't just be vacant and gone when they need me. But this week, I'm going to take an evening and do just that.

I nearly went to the pet store today and bought a kitten. It was all I could do not to do that. The only reason I didn't was that I don't want to get one at the pet store. That being said, I got my last kitty at the pet store and he lived a million years and was the best cat I've ever had. I need a cat. It's becoming more and more of a hurt for me anymore. I want a kitty. I miss my old guy, and I am ready for a new guy.

I swear, there are no kittens in Montana. I cant' find an add for one in the paper, the Addit, there are no people standing outside of Walmart trying to foist them on you, how do you get a kitten nowadays? It's been nearly 20 years since I've been on the hunt for one, but I'm ready.

Happy Easter everyone!!!! (I do have to say, for me Easter is about the Candy and the Ham, I'm not that religious, but I enjoy seeing my kids get excited. They have no idea what Easter is really about, and I'm not inclined to tell them at this point.)

Peace,

OC

And because it's spring break, and because Gilda Radner is one of my personal all time favorites, and because I loved her, enjoy!