I was in Shopko today, wandering around, and on the overhead I realized I was listening to ARay singing "Stand and Deliver". What a trip. Pushing a shopping cart through the linen section, and all the sudden, Amy is singing, and not in my iPod.
I went looking for a kitten today. There are no kittens right now. At least I can't find them. I asked the humane society, and they said they will probably start having kittens sometime around the middle of May. That seems too long for me now. Now that I've decided I want a new cat, that I'm ready to have a new little buddy in the house, I don't want to wait another month. So I guess I'll just start buying what I need, litter box, food, etc.... That way when I find him, I can just take him. I miss Oscar so much, but I finally feel ready to open my heart to a new little guy. I've been trying to think of names, and the only one I can come up with that I like is "Piper". We'll have to see how it fits when I get him.
I've been having a horrid time blogging lately. I can't stand to hear myself whining about how "hard" my life is. It's not that hard, it's uncomfortable. I am in a peaceful place with hubby right now, and it's really disrupted me. I don't feel like leaving right now. I want to go camping and riding. I want to just dump this shit for a little while, and live my life. I'm tired of being in turmoil. I know I need to just get it over with. But when it gets like this at home, I wonder if I'm doing the right thing, or not doing the right thing. The kidlets are happy. I'm OK...hubby and I are getting along and he is trying so hard. I want to forget this for a little while. I know that's all it is. A little while. In the meantime, I'm slowly moving my finances out of this house. Finally got the money to open my new checking account. Have my new mailing address.
Is it horrible to just want to take a chill pill for awhile and just hang out? I go back and forth so much. I'm tired of hearing it myself, and I can only imagine you are tired of reading it. People must check in on my blog, and say, "get it over with already!" I want to, and I don't want to. I'm feeling pushed by my therapist, which is getting my back up, making me stubborn. I think I need to stop going for a bit. I know I need to continue, but I also feel like I need to take a break from it for awhile.
On top of this, I have the flu. Or a cold, or something. I have that, "I'm getting sick feeling" which won't go away. I was at Walmart tonight, and ended up going in the bathroom and just sitting on the toilet for a bit. I was so dizzy, was having stomach cramps, sweating, and chills and body aches. I really thought I was going to pass out. I finally got up, washed my hands and face, and rushed through the rest of my shopping. I managed to forget most of the stuff I actually went for. I finally made it home and fell into bed after downing some cold medicine and in an hour or so, felt enough better to go back down and hang with the kids.
Small Son wants a Nintendo DS. He want's it very bad. I told him I wasn't going to just buy him a DS. So we worked out a deal. He will earn half of it $65.00 and I will kick in the other half and the first game. After that, he will have to earn the games himself. I feel slightly mean making him do this, but at the same time, I think he will enjoy it more, and take better care of it if he has to work for it. We've been working on this for about 2 weeks, and he has earned $8.00. He has $10.00 left from his birthday money. So he has $18.00 of the 65.00 he is going to need. So tonight we made a chart, where he can put a sticker for each dollar he has earned and once a week I will put his money in the pickle jar I saved. He seems OK with it, and was very proud of his chart. We'll see how it goes I guess.
Off to the sick bed,
Peace,
OC
hi again. do not worry about us the readers of your blog. we choose to come here and you dont need to feel any pressure from us. i have been through this and i know it takes what it takes. it is not wrong, or bad, or hypocritical to enjoy time with your family. they will be precious memories you will always have. it doesnt mean you have changed inside, you are processing, you are still doing something while you enjoy your life. about your therpaist, maybe you have outgrown her. maybe she has taken you as far as she can.... and maybe you should take a break for awhile, then find another. therapists are only as healthy as they have recovered themselves, and sometimes we move on and they can no longer lead us as we have surpassed them in the growth department. it has happened to me and to alot of people i know. she shouldnt also be pressuring you. she is there only to guide you as you make the decisions. if she is pushing you, OC, it's to fit her agenda, not yours. i was in therapy for over 9 years. i had to move on many times and find someone i clicked with, sometimes that takes a few tries.
ReplyDeletethere is nothing wrong from taking a break from your turmoil. it will not change how you feel inside. it will only refresh you. as i have said before, timing is everything. you will know when to make your move, and do not do it just because you feel pressure. remember, you are making a life changing decison. it should take as long as you need it to take.
i hope you find peace in making memories with your family. you deserve them, the kids do too, and if you hope to remain friends with hubby in the end, then these are memories you will all cherish.
hugs,
C
I was in my local grocer a few months ago and the same thing happened! Emily smiled up at me and said "Mom! We know that song!"
ReplyDeleteOnly you can decide on your timing - but that uncomfortable feeling you have will probably stay with you until you make the changes that you desire. It's there for a reason.
I'm going to Buffalo tonight to see the Indigo Girls! I'm so excited!
I think it's great that you're having Small Son earn the DS. That's a big-ticket purchase and it will mean so much more to him if he helps to pay for it. We got Big M. one for Christmas and he's had to buy many of his own games. It's an important lesson for kids to learn.
ReplyDeleteIf you're feeling a need to take your time right now and put your journey on hold, that's ok. You'll get there, you're moving the direction you want to go, taking a break is ok.
Feel better, OC!
Just wanted to wish you well and say I hope you are doing ok.
ReplyDeleteHi!
ReplyDeleteHope you get well soon. Great blog. First time visitor.
best wishes,
Skeeter
Girl, You are doing it! Hang in there! Hope you are feeling better soon...when you get back your physical strength the rest will follow.
ReplyDeleteHey, there's no time line here OC. You will know when you are ready. Look at the terrific progress you have made so far.
ReplyDeleteDon't be so hard on yourself :)
By the way, what's a Shopko?
ReplyDeleteC: Thank you for your constant support. The fact that you have walked in my shoes, and came out whole on the other side give me tremendous comfort.
ReplyDeleteA...how were our girls?
EM...thank you for your encouragement with my kids, sometimes I need to hear that from other parents.
Thanks Lori.
CJ, Shopko is a store that is pretty much like Target, cheaper prices, and usually nicer stuff.