And so it Begins.......

Like I said earlier, I told him.

Amazing. "T' was right, she said one day, I would just tell him, that it would get to the not telling him was worse than telling him. Today was that day for me. I was sitting at my desk at work. Letter composed, thinking, trying to do this. I kept going over and over in my mind, that really I was postponing this by taking no action. That this was not getting any better, and when I reached deep down inside, I really wanted out of it.

I told him that I loved him, but that I was not in love with him. I told him I felt that I couldn't count on him to take care of me or the kids in a real, practical way. I told him point blank I wanted a divorce.

Then he called me, and I went home from work and we talked. Talked about selling the house, insurance, the kids. Mostly about the kids. He thinks we don't need an attorney, and I told him that we did. I will not back down on this. I've got the name that "T" gave me still taped under my keyboard at work.

I finally did open the checking account, got the PO Box, changed my credit card billing addresses, etc...

It's taken me nearly two years to get here.

For the first time, I feel like I can take ownership of who I am. I can say, "I am queer", and not feel like I'm faking it. I am sick of faking not being queer. I am sick of faking being married. I am sick of icky goodnight kisses I didn't know how to avoid without getting into it. Tonight he asked me about that, and I told him I didn't know how to say no to him.

He said he had been waiting for this, and that it was almost a relief for him as well. He copped to being unhappy, and not in love with me. He said he loved me, but like me he was not in love. I asked him if he meant that, or if he was reacting to what I said, and he said, no he was feeling the same.

He started in about splitting up stuff, furniture, stuff like that. I told him to stop. That all the oak stuff he got from his parents was his. That I would not fight over stuff like that, that first of all, that was his stuff, and second of all, it was just stuff.

I told him that we had to find a way to become a new, different family. That we were the only family the kids had, and we had to still be on the same page. I told him that the kids tell me he is grumpy all the time, and he said he wasn't. I told him again, well if you aren't they are perceiving you as grumpy, and that is their reality. I asked him if the kids were saying the same about me, and he said no.

I told him that one reason this was so hard for me was losing my family, and losing the fun stuff we did. We talked about that, and that maybe we could still do some stuff together as a family.

We are going to sell the house, and he is not going to fight me on the money split (or so he says). I told him the only way to keep him on benefits for a time, was to file for legal separation, as opposed to divorce, and that I would be willing to do that for a year. By then he needs to have his own set up.

And so it begins for me, finally. I'm still numb inside. I drank a big glass of wine tonight, and realized I hated it, and so I only had one glass. I'm tired, and wired at the same time.



OC is here....

OC is queer.....

And OC is on her way to getting strong again.

This has been such a hard journey for me. But like everyone of you told me, eventually it would get bad enough, that I'd be forced to take some action. That is exactly what happened.

I just feel better, even though I didn't tell him I was gay, I've told him I want out. I didn't hem and haw, it's out. The kisses stopped tonight.

Maybe it's time for my tattoo.

Peace,

OC