My Thoughts on Coming Out and Parenting.

Life is funny, the way it changes on you.

Who would have thought, way back when I was in my teens, that I’d end up being a mom so late in life?

I was the girl in high school that wanted kids the most. I knew I wanted them. I planned it all out in my head, a girl and a boy. The boy had to be first, because big brothers are awesome, and I’ve never had a brother. I fixated on the name Casey.

I’m not sure if it was because I liked a boy named Casey, or because the boy was named Casey and I was drawn to him because of that. I often wonder about that. This boy, Casey, was on my bowling team in Jr. High. We were connected somehow. We had the same circle. We ended up in the same places, and it was him I’d bump into around town.

He was quiet, sort of a nerd. But then, so was I. We both were sent to Catholic high school our freshman year, after being sent to public Jr. High. We both bailed to the same public high school our sophomore year. My good friend had a crush on him, and expected me to be around him so she could. I guess she didn’t realize I had a crush on him as well, and had since I was in the 7th grade.

I was never close to Casey, other than the fact we just were always tossed together. He signed my yearbook during my senior year, and I’ll always treasure what he wrote in it. It was nothing special, but it was the basis of our relationship.

I never heard from him again after high school. But my son is named Casey. Not after him, but maybe after the feelings his name evoked. My son’s name was a non issue to me. It was a good strong name, and it felt right.

Back then, I also babysat a little boy named Casey, and his sister Allison. That little boy, was a major part of my life, as was his sister. I babysat them for close to 8 years. I was 11 when I started babysitting him, and he was 4.

It’s crazy to me, that he is now a grown man, I believe with kids of his own that are much older than my own kids. I think that was an additional reason I was connected to that name.
Back in high school, I was the girl that wanted kids, and I have no idea how it is that I had to wait this long to have them. I tried with my first husband, and that resulted in one miscarriage.

Now that I finally have my beautiful wonderful kids, I wonder what life holds for me next? I want this to be enough. I want that so badly. The thing is, I’m just not happy.

I’ve been doing some reading, on different message boards about finding your sexuality mid-life. There seems to be an idea that if you decide or “come-out” as Bi, then you still desire men, as well as women. If you find yourself “coming-out” as a lesbian, you find your desire for men, or your husband, waning.

For me this is absolutely the case. I have no desire to be with men at all any more.

I’m not sure what has been happening to me, but I know, this is my path. I want to stay here in this mystical place in the old west, and find my life. It’s a hard pill for me to swallow to think of denying myself the love I so badly want and need. I don’t think I can deny this, in fact I’m certain of it.

I don’t really think I’ve found myself. That’s the thing, I don’t think I was ever lost. I think I’ve evolved.

This part of me has always been here, strong and knowing.

It’s been waiting to come out, to be able to breathe.

All my life, I’ve been obsessed with women, and I was thinking today, that even the men I found attractive, had a great deal of feminine qualities.

I always liked men with a soft middle. I was never that attracted to a “hard body”. I like the soft factor. I like the gentle factor. I need to connect emotionally. The older I get, the more I realize this must become an essential part of my life.

I’m not willing to give up the 2nd half of my life, being unhappy and unsure. I will somehow find a way to deal with my life now.

I have too.

I’m feeling the need to purge. I want to purge my belongings, I want to purge my life in general.
My kids are absolutely the most important thing in my life. They will never come second to anything or anyone.

My husband adores his children. Last night, he told me that, he say’s a prayer every night to keep them safe and happy. Though this didn’t surprise me at all, my reaction to it did.

I realized that no matter what, I will not be able to relocate myself.

One reason is I just don’t want too. I love living here. I love the wildness of the storms that come through Montana. I love the snow. I love the summer nights that last until 10PM. I love living someplace where the quality of life is stellar.

I also love the fact that my little adopted state, voted 3/4 democratic in the primaries. I have fallen in love with this state, and it’s people. So there, I’ve said it.

Secondly, I will not take my kids away from their father. They need him strong and sure in their life. They need me strong and sure in their life. It’s hard enough growing up now, with all the problems there are out there, I will not take my children’s family away, for weekends or holidays only. Crap, I sound like Dr. Laura!

My good friend, said something the other day in an email to me, that made me realize why I love her, she said that although she can’t stand Dr. Laura’s views on most subjects, that she is right on when it comes to kids, and I’ve always thought this myself.

Once you have kids, it’s just not about you anymore. It’s about them. It’s about your responsibility to them. I want what I want, sure, but I’ve chosen to have children, and as long as their father is alive and well, I will need to remain in the same town as he is in.

So that leaves me, finding my way in this new world.

Not sure where to step or how to step, and wanting so badly to fall in love with someone who will want the same things I do.

Someone that will love to take off for a ride on the bikes on a moments notice. Someone who will see the beauty and wildness that Montana has to offer and fall in love with it the way I have.

Someone who will not have a problem with my kids, will love them, but be secure enough to know that I will love them with my whole heart. Someone that will hold my hand through life's storms, and let me love them in the way I want to love them. As Amy Ray sings of in "Blood and Fire",

"But blood and fire
Are too much for these restless arms to hold
And my nights of desire they're calling me
Back to your fold
And I am calling you, calling you
From 10,000 miles away
Wont you whet my fire with your love
Babe

I am looking for someone who can take as much as I give
And give back as much as I need
You know and they still have the will to live ah no
Cause I am intense, I am in need
I am in pain, I am in love
And I feel forsaken you know
Like the things I gave away"

There is enough love to go around. Someone who will understand that staying here is what is best for my kids, so that is what is best for me.

I think about all the times over my lifetime I’ve moved, and I’m just done. I’ve let myself sink roots in here.

Maybe it will change later, I don’t know. I don’t know what is ahead of me. I know there is love in my path.

I have faith that what I want is possible, feasible.

I'm not looking for a fix it, I know I'm on the path to fixing it myself.

If you’ve made it this far, thanks for hanging in there. It’s hot tonight, and my mind is spinning around. This is me in classic Gemini mode….

Peace,

OC

Drift Away

So that I can still drift away in my dreams.