Showing posts with label preemies. Show all posts
Showing posts with label preemies. Show all posts
November 23, 2008
August 17, 2008
LIttle Man, Little Miss
So much of what I write about is just me, and my feelings.
Tonight I was watching Nancy Grace on CNN, and the show was about Caylee Anthony. I simply have such a hard time with this, as this little girl is the same age as my little girl. The thought of a mother doing something to your child, is something I just can't understand. The thought of not reporting them missing. I've had to check on Little Miss so many times tonight, and give her hugs and kisses.
I rented the movie "Little Man". a documentary about a lesbian couple who have a baby with a surrogate. The whole thing i surreal to me. The surrogate developed severe pre-eclampisa. It was like walking back in time for me. This is what happened to me both times I was pregnant.
I'm sitting here sobbing and gasping watching this. Seeing little Nicholas, it just tears at my heart. I've been there, twice. I've been through this twice. The size of this infant, the small movements of his hands. The diapers the size of mini-pads.
In this movie, one of the mothers wanted to terminate the pregnancy, due to the problematic nature. The other mother, can't. I understand this "can't". I was this can't.
How do you describe what goes on in the NICU when you haven't been there. A nurse said during this film, that people do not get tours of the NICU, they give birth pre-term, then they are admitted. OMG, this is so true.
The main character reminds me of myself. Though she wasn't sick like I was, she felt the very same need to be at the hospital all the time. The isolation she felt, the battles with the nurses, and the utter dependence on them at the same time.
The feeling that there is no other world than this, that it's never going to be over.
You get over being shocked at the size of the baby, and then someone comes in and you see the look on their face as they take in your tiny baby. My Little Miss came into this world weighing 2lbs 5.6 oz, 15 inches long, and more fight than most people will ever have.
You miss childbirth classes, you don't get to have a baby shower because your baby is here before there can be a shower planned. People don't want to say "congratulations" to you because they don't want to look at you, or your sick little baby. For me, this experience really was with Little Miss. Small Son did come early, but not as early. He also wasn't as sick.
I'm watching this mother tear up, as she holds her naked tiny baby on her chest, all the tubes and wires, the nurses hovering, and I remember this so clearly it's taking my breath away. There is no way to describe this to people. I remember sitting next to my little girls isolette for weeks at a time. Cupping her head so as not to "over-stimulate" her.
These small, tiny babies are the worlds strongest warriors. They go through so much. But we, mothers, go through our own version of hell. Watching your baby suffer, cry with no sound because they are intabated, is heart wrenching. Looking back now, this experience, both with Small Son and Little Miss has defined who I am today, in every way possible.
The walk I had to do everyday on my way to the NICU, past all the happy women and families that were leaving that day.
For me it was a desperate sprint past them, because I didn't want to have to look at them, or say congratulations, I just wasn't there yet mentally. My baby girl spent nearly 9 weeks in the NICU, and it was just so hard watching happy families every day. The jealousy I felt at that time is insurmountable.
In our NICU, I was one of the few mothers who was there all the time. When I wasn't there, hubby was. I couldn't leave her. The few times I did, it was in the care of a nurse I trusted, one that I knew would call me if something went wrong. There were only 3 nurses for me like that in our NICU. When one of the other nurses was on, I would begin a vigil by my baby girl, afraid to leave her.
When you have a baby as early as I did, you see the babies come and go. I would still sit there, watching them leave, wishing it was me. Happy for them, but still wishing it was Little Miss and I leaving.
This movie took me back through my own journey. It made me realize again, that I am not the only one who has gone through this odyssey. Little Nicholas came home with all the accessories that my Little Miss did, apnea monitors, oxygen, nebulizers, they even discussed how unprepared they felt when they let loose of the security of the NICU. It's all so fucking scary.
It's good for me to remember this, it's also hard and emotional. It's one of the reasons, I'm sure, that I am such a mama bear. I worked hard to get where I am now.
I'm grateful that neither of my kids are any the worse for wear from their time in the NICU, although for me, it changed who I am. I will never be the same person I was before this happened. It changes who you are forever. I have spent 3 months of my life in the NICU.
As hard as this movie was for me to watch, it was cathartic for me as well. It brought some of my memories into a much clearer place, since a great deal of what I remember was from when I was sick, on pain medications, and exhausted.
Where am I going with this, I don't know. I'm grateful to have had the opportunity to watch this film. To experience again the feelings I had when my children were born.
It's part of the process that I need to go through to get where I'm going. I made it through that hell, my kids made it through and so did hubby. We will make it through this transition as well, I am certain of it.
Peace,
OC
Tonight I was watching Nancy Grace on CNN, and the show was about Caylee Anthony. I simply have such a hard time with this, as this little girl is the same age as my little girl. The thought of a mother doing something to your child, is something I just can't understand. The thought of not reporting them missing. I've had to check on Little Miss so many times tonight, and give her hugs and kisses.
I rented the movie "Little Man". a documentary about a lesbian couple who have a baby with a surrogate. The whole thing i surreal to me. The surrogate developed severe pre-eclampisa. It was like walking back in time for me. This is what happened to me both times I was pregnant.
I'm sitting here sobbing and gasping watching this. Seeing little Nicholas, it just tears at my heart. I've been there, twice. I've been through this twice. The size of this infant, the small movements of his hands. The diapers the size of mini-pads.
In this movie, one of the mothers wanted to terminate the pregnancy, due to the problematic nature. The other mother, can't. I understand this "can't". I was this can't.
How do you describe what goes on in the NICU when you haven't been there. A nurse said during this film, that people do not get tours of the NICU, they give birth pre-term, then they are admitted. OMG, this is so true.
The main character reminds me of myself. Though she wasn't sick like I was, she felt the very same need to be at the hospital all the time. The isolation she felt, the battles with the nurses, and the utter dependence on them at the same time.
The feeling that there is no other world than this, that it's never going to be over.
You get over being shocked at the size of the baby, and then someone comes in and you see the look on their face as they take in your tiny baby. My Little Miss came into this world weighing 2lbs 5.6 oz, 15 inches long, and more fight than most people will ever have.
You miss childbirth classes, you don't get to have a baby shower because your baby is here before there can be a shower planned. People don't want to say "congratulations" to you because they don't want to look at you, or your sick little baby. For me, this experience really was with Little Miss. Small Son did come early, but not as early. He also wasn't as sick.
I'm watching this mother tear up, as she holds her naked tiny baby on her chest, all the tubes and wires, the nurses hovering, and I remember this so clearly it's taking my breath away. There is no way to describe this to people. I remember sitting next to my little girls isolette for weeks at a time. Cupping her head so as not to "over-stimulate" her.
These small, tiny babies are the worlds strongest warriors. They go through so much. But we, mothers, go through our own version of hell. Watching your baby suffer, cry with no sound because they are intabated, is heart wrenching. Looking back now, this experience, both with Small Son and Little Miss has defined who I am today, in every way possible.
The walk I had to do everyday on my way to the NICU, past all the happy women and families that were leaving that day.
For me it was a desperate sprint past them, because I didn't want to have to look at them, or say congratulations, I just wasn't there yet mentally. My baby girl spent nearly 9 weeks in the NICU, and it was just so hard watching happy families every day. The jealousy I felt at that time is insurmountable.
In our NICU, I was one of the few mothers who was there all the time. When I wasn't there, hubby was. I couldn't leave her. The few times I did, it was in the care of a nurse I trusted, one that I knew would call me if something went wrong. There were only 3 nurses for me like that in our NICU. When one of the other nurses was on, I would begin a vigil by my baby girl, afraid to leave her.
When you have a baby as early as I did, you see the babies come and go. I would still sit there, watching them leave, wishing it was me. Happy for them, but still wishing it was Little Miss and I leaving.
This movie took me back through my own journey. It made me realize again, that I am not the only one who has gone through this odyssey. Little Nicholas came home with all the accessories that my Little Miss did, apnea monitors, oxygen, nebulizers, they even discussed how unprepared they felt when they let loose of the security of the NICU. It's all so fucking scary.
It's good for me to remember this, it's also hard and emotional. It's one of the reasons, I'm sure, that I am such a mama bear. I worked hard to get where I am now.
I'm grateful that neither of my kids are any the worse for wear from their time in the NICU, although for me, it changed who I am. I will never be the same person I was before this happened. It changes who you are forever. I have spent 3 months of my life in the NICU.
As hard as this movie was for me to watch, it was cathartic for me as well. It brought some of my memories into a much clearer place, since a great deal of what I remember was from when I was sick, on pain medications, and exhausted.
Where am I going with this, I don't know. I'm grateful to have had the opportunity to watch this film. To experience again the feelings I had when my children were born.
It's part of the process that I need to go through to get where I'm going. I made it through that hell, my kids made it through and so did hubby. We will make it through this transition as well, I am certain of it.
Peace,
OC
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