The Lost and Found Gurl

I was perusing my old photo’s tonight, and once again I’m reminded of my life “before”.

It’s a mystery to me now, how I could live in such a liberal place, single, free, unencumbered, and be so closed off to myself. I was in a place where I was doing so much self exploration, I was just not exploring what I am now. That , and I need to remind myself of this, I was trying to survive in the big city, and while exiting and exhilarating, it was also fucking scary.

I lived on the fringes. I had a so many gay friends. I went to the Castro on a regular basis, I have been drunk in at The Cafe more times than I could ever count. I bought my very strong coffee from the Castro Cheesery, I really did try to work my way into that world, in what I guess now is the only way I felt comfortable doing it.

It’s really too bad in some ways that I moved from SF to the boonies, instead of from the Boonies to SF. Things might have been easier for me if things were the other way around. Now I find myself constantly defending what I’ve always known as right and true. Things here are very much, “don’t ask, don’t tell”.

I keep telling myself that moving here was my choice, and that there is something my soul needs to learn from being here. I truly believe we choose our life path for a reason. I have fought and rebelled against everything in my life at one time or another.

I couldn’t stand the staid little desert town I grew up, and spent most of my high school years planning how to escape. I did that when I was 21. I moved to Santa Cruz. I learned about a completely different life than I’d ever known.

I witnessed my first gay couple in SC, and I really was so naive, I couldn’t figure out why these two men were holding hands...I had absolutely no idea.

I grew up pretty sheltered, and fought it at every turn.

I’m spiraling here, I know it.

I guess what I’m getting at, is moving to SC really helped open up my world. It felt so “right” there. I was so at home, so excited to be someplace where being liberal wasn’t a crime.

I used to hang at the Saturn Cafe (I think that was the name), it’s where all the lesbians had coffee, and I loved it there. My girl friends and I used to always go to the clubs to dance, and when guys would try to pick us up, we would pretend we were couples, I also loved that, so why didn’t I have a clue?

Santa Cruz will always be a magic place for me. I love the ocean, I love the redwoods. It was my first taste of real “freedom” away from my family, and all the conservative bullshit I grew up with. I fit in there like a comfy old shoe, I had found my “tribe”. I left that wonderful place two years later and I left part of my soul there. Part of my soul will always live in Santa Cruz.

To give you an idea of the time period I’m talking about, I lived there while they were filming “The Lost Boys”, and I knew a lot of the extra’s in that movie.

Do you think, that one leaves a piece of their soul in special places, or that you take that place with you in your soul? I can’t figure it out, or decide.

I’m lucky in the sense, that I have lived in some wonderful, magical places. Places where soul magic really happens. Where you can feel god, as god really should be. I have no idea what god really is, or who, but I know there is a place, that is warm, loving and bright, and you have to find that place in yourself. For me, that place will always be the California Coast, along with the Redwoods.

Maybe I was just trying to jump up to a higher soul level, since I was born, in a tiny desert mining town. I could have chosen to stay there, live my life in that place, get married, have kids, and be there in that awful hell hole all my life. Instead I chose to become a mover, from one great place in CA to the next.

My friends at home, couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to live in the desert, and I couldn’t understand why they would want to stay there. I think my life might have been easier if I had done that, but my soul would have died.

I am still friends with one, but mostly I have gathered my “real” friend family from all over.

Each person has come in and left at different times, each serving a purpose for personal growth.

It took me until my 30’s to realize that some people pop in your life, like a bright light, for a moment...an intense, loved filled moment, and even though you may not see them anymore, you KNOW your soul will always be connected to that person.

Then there are the people that come and stay. Who know your history, who know that you fart in the car. Who know what kind of toothpaste you use. Those people for me, are my chosen family. My real family. The ones I count on in good and bad times, I never count on my “biological” family if I need support. (except for my dad, but he has been gone for almost 5 years now).

I need to be around people like me, who believe that all people really are equal. Who accept people for who they are, and love that they are different. Even though, this place I now live is not as liberal as I’ve become used to, at the same time, it is on an uphill slant toward that. I can see people like me moving here on a daily basis.

I also know, that I’ve made a difference with some of the people here when I hear them make some awful comment about someone.

I try to take the time to explain how I really feel about that, how offensive what they have said really is, and how if they were any other place in the world, that would be an unacceptable comment. How the thing that really counts is love, and being able so accept someone as a person, whether they are different from you, or not, but that they are a person who deserves respect and love all the same.

I think I’m helping my community in that way, to help them become more open, to realize I have some life experiences that they have never had, and I’m not the devil.

Am I making sense to anyone out there???

Get me started on a role, and you will realize just how close to the cusp of Gemini I was born.

Peace,

OC

Happy New Year

Sunday Night, December 30th, 2007.

It's not the New Year yet, but it is the time I need to process what is going on, what has been going on for the last year.

It's been a time of great self reflection. I've been trying to figure out "who am I"?

First and for most, I'm a mother. This is the biggest role of my life, the "role of a lifetime", so to speak.

Next, I'm a wife, a wife who likes and loves her husband.

I'm a daughter, a sister, a friend.

I'm also just coming to terms with areas of my life that I should have spoken to many years ago. Now, even though I suspect that I am a lesbian at heart, I've chosen a different life, a different path.. I have people counting on me, and on my love and care.

My children are first. Even though I'm having these mid-life feelings, I can't put my "feelings" about myself ahead of my children's needs. I have created a family, a life, friends, and a work environment that I really love.

I owe it to my kids to create the best life I can for them. Now is not the time to decide what "I" want.

Things I've really been grieving: The loss of my beloved ocean; California; my dad; my best friend. I've been in turmoil because at this late stage in my life, I see what I should have done, what choices I should have made, way back when. I tiptoed around them, not strong enough to make them, and now...when I really am strong enough, I cannot. I will not break up my children's family. They need both their dad and myself...not a set of divorced parents.

I feel like I'm living my life lately in a weird surreal world of acting one way, and thinking in another. I am. There is no other way at this point. Becoming a parent, has really made it apparent that my choices have been made already. The thing that makes me the saddest is that now, even if I get to change my path at a later time, I won't be young when I do it, but maybe that in itself will be freeing.

So, my new years resolution is to live my life as honestly as I can. At this point, I will work on being the best mom and wife I can be.

G'night.