My mind is twisting around tonight...
I need to talk about how I feel. I thought I could maybe just let this go, but I think I'm going to have to lay my cards down on the table. I don't know how to do this exactly, but I'm feeling sort of fakey fake since everything happened. I'm afraid to talk to her about it, I'm afraid not too. I want to see her more, but I don't want to push her away, I just don't know what to do. I've never been in this position before, and it scares the hell out of me. I can feel my rejection buttons rising and I don't like it. I need to talk to her, and I'm going to have to do it this weekend. I am going to have to make this work somehow. I start thinking things will just go back to normal, then I see her and BAM....it hits me all over. I have flashbacks in my mind.
The thing that scares me most, is losing her. She has become so important to me so quickly....and I can feel her pull away, the more I push. I just need to suck it up, and say it out loud to her....maybe write a letter to her and sit her down and make her read it in front of me....so we can talk about it.
I'm not sorry things happened, as I know I really wanted them too. I feel like I need to experience this, and I knew at one point in my life, I wanted to take this turn for a little while, not permanently....I'm in love with my husband, but I need the femaleness that I need now.
Off to ponder myself to sleep
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