I feel lonely today. I don’t know why. I’m surrounded by the people I work with, and I like almost all of them. I have my family, I have my husband. I can call my mom when I want, and still I feel lonely. I’ve been thinking about this, all day, and have to wonder if it because of how I’m feeling on the inside. I mean I’ve been struggling with the issue of coming to terms with my sexuality.
The decisions I make now have an effect on more than just me. I’m not feeling super free to discuss this with anyone right now either. So it’s just me, and my blog readers. I’ve been listening to certain songs obsessively as well, and I’m not sure if that is helping, or not, but I’m feeling compelled to do it. Of course, this has always been part of my personality. I get stuck on something, and I keep listening to it over and over.
It’s only been recently I’ve even felt free enough to make my blog known at all. I worry about who might be reading it, and I worry that no one is reading it.
Everything just feels so big. Like each decision I make, or don’t make, matters too much. What do I have to gain or lose? I have too much to lose at this point in my life. I have so much responsibility, or maybe no more than anyone else, but it feels huge.
I know though, that unless I start meeting my own needs, I will fall. I will fall far down into a pit of depression and despair. I know this. I just think I have to find a way to be a “mommy”, a “wife”, a “friend” and still feel like myself.
Maybe this is just what’s called a mid-life crisis? Maybe that’s all it is, is a 40-something year old woman realizing that she is 40-something, and that life is going by too fast, and how many chances do you get, and what if you waste your chances???
Peace,
OC
The decisions I make now have an effect on more than just me. I’m not feeling super free to discuss this with anyone right now either. So it’s just me, and my blog readers. I’ve been listening to certain songs obsessively as well, and I’m not sure if that is helping, or not, but I’m feeling compelled to do it. Of course, this has always been part of my personality. I get stuck on something, and I keep listening to it over and over.
It’s only been recently I’ve even felt free enough to make my blog known at all. I worry about who might be reading it, and I worry that no one is reading it.
Everything just feels so big. Like each decision I make, or don’t make, matters too much. What do I have to gain or lose? I have too much to lose at this point in my life. I have so much responsibility, or maybe no more than anyone else, but it feels huge.
I know though, that unless I start meeting my own needs, I will fall. I will fall far down into a pit of depression and despair. I know this. I just think I have to find a way to be a “mommy”, a “wife”, a “friend” and still feel like myself.
Maybe this is just what’s called a mid-life crisis? Maybe that’s all it is, is a 40-something year old woman realizing that she is 40-something, and that life is going by too fast, and how many chances do you get, and what if you waste your chances???
Peace,
OC
I think we all reach places in our lives where we just wonder what the hell we are doing.
ReplyDeleteWhen I hit 40, I realized that not only had I gone into the wrong profession, but that I was finally ready for motherhood. I was terrified that I was too old to change much.
I didn't change my profession, too much money to be had and I am a material girl. But, I did choose motherhood and I have never regretted it.
Do you have google analytics? I love mine. It lets you see who exactly is reading your blog. You will be amazed. I was. I mean...INDIA? I had no idea I had readers from there...or even Alaska. It was sort of terrifying and sort of wonderful all at once.
I hear what you are saying, I had my first baby at 48, my 2nd at 40. I haven't regretted it at all, but it has presented definate challenges. I don't have the Google A, I'll have to check that out.
ReplyDeleteI don't think your having a mid life crisis, your having mid life clarity, allowing the inside of you to come to the outside. I know a little bit about this, I just did it a tad earlier than you did, (at 35.)
ReplyDeleteTread lightly, take one step at a time and above all, take care of you.
i've been on quite a self-discovery journey myself this year or so, and it hasn't been easy, but beginning to live more authentically is worth it to me...be gentle with yourself.
ReplyDelete