I'm Lonely tonight...I'm Lonely tonight...

""Land of Canaan"

You can go to the East
To find your, inner hemisphere.
You say we're under the same sky babe,
You're bound to realize, Honey, it's not that clear.
I'm not your promise land
I'm not your promise one
I'm not your Land of Canaan, sweetheart,
Waiting for you under the sun.

I'm lonely tonight, I'm missing you now.
I'm wanting your love and you're giving it out.
I'm lonely tonight, I'm lonely tonight, I'm lonely tonight.

Well the meanings changed (for what it's worth),
It's just a senseless game.
I should think of love, but it's fear every time I hear
Your heart strain.
It's not the fallen man,
It's not the call of time,
It's just the London skyline
Telling me you're not mine.

I'm lonely tonight, I'm missing you now.
I'm wanting your love and you're giving it out.
I'm lonely tonight, I'm lonely tonight, I'm lonely tonight.

My blood is running dry,
My skin is, my skin is growing thin
For every time you find yourself
You lose a little bit of me, from within.
It's just a raging cycle, why can't we
Bring it all to the end of the line.
From inside this existence, sweetheart,
Time is not on my side.

I'm lonely tonight, I'm missing you now.
I'm wanting your love and you're giving it out.
I'm lonely tonight, I'm lonely tonight, I'm lonely tonight.

I'm not your promised land, I'm not your promised one.
I'm not your promised land, I'm not your promised one.
I'm not your Land of Canaan Sweetheart,
I'm not your Land of Canaan Sweetheart,
I'm not your Land of Canaan Sweetheart,
Waiting for you under the sun, I'm lonely tonight

ARay...."

I'm sitting here listening to this song, over and over....I love this song.

Ok, I know I’ve already done this once today, but I’m feeling restless and a bit loopy from the very very strong Tom & Jerry I just drank...soooo....if you don’t want to read my long ramble, it’s cool. I’m just sitting here, feeling my buzz and jamming to my very pretty little red iPod.

How on earth can my head spin in thirty directions at once?? I wonder where the moon is right now? I’m definitely feeling emotional. Sometimes, like the Cancer child I am, I get lost in my emotions. I wander around in my head, thinking, planning, mourning and wishing.

I dream of the grass on the other side of the fence? It doesn’t seem to matter what side of the fence I’m on, I will dream about the other side... craziness.

Regret is something I think I’m beginning to deal with in a very real way. I spent my 30’s dating like fiend. One boyfriend after the other. My 30’s went like lightening. It seems like yesterday, 1994, when I was getting divorced from my first husband, and things were so crazy for me.

I had just moved to San Francisco, living in my best friends bedroom on a borrowed futon. This house was a hippie house, in the outer Sunset area of SF..right by the beach, complete with a "M" a bisexual/lesbian, living with an old hippie. She did graphics on her Mac, she had a gazillion cats, her partner “G”, well he had very very long dreadlocks, he rarely bathed, and was the picture of utter calmness. He was a bike messenger. The house was super cluttered with “M”’s stuff. Also, with a house of 5, there was only one bathroom..yikes.

The other housemate, was D, he was an old hippie, into his music. He played music at coffee houses in the mission and was really pretty good.

My friend, my best friend who was the reason I moved into that crazy house in the first place is an artist, and a very good one. She is also an ESL teacher.

I remember this is the time I started smoking. I just picked up a cigarette one day and bam...I was totally addicted....for the next 5 years...total chain smoker. I walked all the time, to the beach, to the Richmond, I wrote tons of poetry that I am unable to access anymore because it is all lost on floppy disks from a very old Mac...maybe sometime I will be able to retrieve them. They were really good actually.

I know I must be going through something because I’m only remembering the good things about that time, not how broke I was, how desperately unhappy I was, how fucking mad I was at my ex for being such a dick wad.

Still, it was my growing up time. I failed to do it in my 20’s. I did it in my 30’s. Like a child learning to walk again.

You know what’s weird, I can totally define a time in my life by the music I was listening to. I mean there have been constants...since I was a kid...but every era of notice in my life was defined by some odd pick in my music. I’ve always been super female centered when it comes to music. I have had an enormous crush on Stevie Nicks since I was kid...I think I heard the song “dreams” when I was in the 6th grade or so...I was hooked. My late teens were defined by Madonna, Culture Club, Frankie goes to Hollywood, mostly club music.
In my 30’s I started really getting into the blues. I love love the blues. I love blues festivals. I love cold cold beers on hot days spent at some blues festival. Anyway, I’m wandering, I’m sorry.

What I’m trying so miserably to do right now, is define the music I’m listening to at the moment. It’s primarily the Indigo Girls, Joan Osborne, Melissa E, Joan Armatrading, The Cowboy Junkies, the list goes on....but all women, strong women.

Maybe I’m trying to find my inner strength?

I know I’m strong, but am I strong enough?