It snowed today. Finally. I’m so freaking cold right now, cold right down in my soul, and it’s making me extremely melancholy tonight.
When I get like this, I wonder if I should even bother writing, I mean who want’s to read the ravings of a mad woman who is missing her youth, mourning her choices, and wanting to be near the water in a way that I cannot possibly describe???
I am a water creature, did you know this? Probably not, you don’t know me.
The fact is that I longed to live by the beach, since I was a little kid. I moved to the beach as soon as I was old enough to do it on my own, and pretty much stayed there for 20 + years. What ever made me think I could move inland again? I am a crab, I need water.
I need a drink dear Universe.
I need so much to just feel myself for a moment not this woman I’ve turned into. But now, that I’m here, I long to feel my past. I want to feel reckless, wild, and free. Not tied down, and boring.
I live in a town where everyone knows your name. (I know...i stole that line, and right now I can’t even remember from where).
You know what would be a dangerous combination??
It would be my young wild self, with the knowledge I have now...what a wicked combination!!
I wonder if I’m just wandering though my mind, going crazy.
Can you fall in love with a moment?
Can you fall in love with someone you have never met? Can you?
Can you watch a moment in time, and realize that defines exactly how you feel at this very moment?
I’m wondering this tonight, because I just watched a music video that I have never seen, and all the sudden, I feel alive with feelings, yearnings that it stir up inside of me.
This makes me so feel that I missed out on something that I should have made myself take part in.
How can I justify wandering so close to the path I should have taken, and at the same time, wandering so far away from it?
My femaleness is something I’ve always loved. I love gurl energy, I always have. I’ve always had intense bonds with women. So many women have passed though my life, and I’ve never realized what I am realizing now. In my mid-life. How can this be?
I know there are those out there that are going through this same thing, who are feeling these same feelings, how do I reconcile this with my life? With my children? How ????
I’m in so much pain. I’m filled with such pain and longing that I’m afraid it’s going to spill out of my very soul.
I’ve always considered myself a very self aware person, and that’s such bullshit. I’ve been denying this for so fucking long now, I don’t think I can anymore, but at the same time, I really cannot go where I want to go. I just can’t.
My kids, my poor kids. I can’t do this to them. They are just babies and they need me so.
How can I be honest and true to myself, and not injure my children?? I need to know this?
I need to know if this is even possible?
I probably need to take a chill pill and just think it out some more, and have faith that the answer will come to me in time, when I’m ready.
If you’ve made it this far, have a cookie..
Peace, OC
When I get like this, I wonder if I should even bother writing, I mean who want’s to read the ravings of a mad woman who is missing her youth, mourning her choices, and wanting to be near the water in a way that I cannot possibly describe???
I am a water creature, did you know this? Probably not, you don’t know me.
The fact is that I longed to live by the beach, since I was a little kid. I moved to the beach as soon as I was old enough to do it on my own, and pretty much stayed there for 20 + years. What ever made me think I could move inland again? I am a crab, I need water.
I need a drink dear Universe.
I need so much to just feel myself for a moment not this woman I’ve turned into. But now, that I’m here, I long to feel my past. I want to feel reckless, wild, and free. Not tied down, and boring.
I live in a town where everyone knows your name. (I know...i stole that line, and right now I can’t even remember from where).
You know what would be a dangerous combination??
It would be my young wild self, with the knowledge I have now...what a wicked combination!!
I wonder if I’m just wandering though my mind, going crazy.
Can you fall in love with a moment?
Can you fall in love with someone you have never met? Can you?
Can you watch a moment in time, and realize that defines exactly how you feel at this very moment?
I’m wondering this tonight, because I just watched a music video that I have never seen, and all the sudden, I feel alive with feelings, yearnings that it stir up inside of me.
This makes me so feel that I missed out on something that I should have made myself take part in.
How can I justify wandering so close to the path I should have taken, and at the same time, wandering so far away from it?
My femaleness is something I’ve always loved. I love gurl energy, I always have. I’ve always had intense bonds with women. So many women have passed though my life, and I’ve never realized what I am realizing now. In my mid-life. How can this be?
I know there are those out there that are going through this same thing, who are feeling these same feelings, how do I reconcile this with my life? With my children? How ????
I’m in so much pain. I’m filled with such pain and longing that I’m afraid it’s going to spill out of my very soul.
I’ve always considered myself a very self aware person, and that’s such bullshit. I’ve been denying this for so fucking long now, I don’t think I can anymore, but at the same time, I really cannot go where I want to go. I just can’t.
My kids, my poor kids. I can’t do this to them. They are just babies and they need me so.
How can I be honest and true to myself, and not injure my children?? I need to know this?
I need to know if this is even possible?
I probably need to take a chill pill and just think it out some more, and have faith that the answer will come to me in time, when I’m ready.
If you’ve made it this far, have a cookie..
Peace, OC
Being honest and true to yourself is the best thing you can do for your children. They will adjust and adapt far easier at this age then they will later on in life... Just food for thought. I've strugged with the same issue. Just know you are their mother. They will always love you.
ReplyDeleteAnd absolutely you can add me to your blog. :) Thanks! As soon as I figure out how, I will do the same.
Kids are more resilient than adults. But, now that I have one, I laugh at the saying that, "If you are happy, your kids will be happy." That is not necessarily true. Kids basically just want you front and center. All the time.
ReplyDeleteSo, do that. But, also congratulate yourself a little because you just crossed a pretty big bridge there, you know?
i read a book recently that spoke to me of finding our authentic, whole selves. you may already have hear of it. it's called "Eat, Pray, Love". definitely worth the read...
ReplyDeletei understand what you mean about the water. I live near the water (no beaches in sight though), and when i'm away for an extended period of time, i feel parched....