I’m tired tonight, and it’s freaking snowing again..
I've spent the night watching "Bizzarre Food" on the Travel Channel.
I can’t take much more. I went into Walmart tonight to get a few things (read: I left with a bill of $129.00), but anyway, I went in through the garden center, and was immediately hit with the pungent odor of fertilizer. In the summer, our Walmart blocks off the section of parking lot by the garden center for patio furniture, tractor mowers, brick’s etc.
Maybe all rural Walmarts do this, but in the Bay Area where I am from, it would all get stolen, and so it never happened. Anyway, it hit me, we are really almost through this winter, and hopefully with all the snow, we won’t have the fire season we had last year.
Moving on to more interesting topics. I haven’t talked to “her” in a week. I know this is irrational, but I’m just totally mad. Nothing has happened, but I’m pissed, and feel like a toddler, a rejected toddler.
As much as I’m still feeling what I’m feeling inside, I am also feeling the need to put my life in order, and just get back to “normal”, if there is any such thing.
My goal is to just quit worrying about it, it’s not worth worrying about anymore. My head is clearer than it has been in a long time, and I’m more certain that I have found out the truth about myself.
I’m feeling much more comfortable in my own skin, and even though I am married, I am certain I am gay. What a relief it is to finally admit this to myself. Even if that is all I’m doing at this point, it is a huge relief.
I am just going to work at having a more authentic life.
Playing head games with “her” is not a healthy activity. I know, I’m hurt. I know, I hate that I feel rejected. I hate all that, but the good thing that has come from it is that I have found/admitted to myself who I really am.
So, I just keep on walking, with my head up, doing the best that I can do for myself and my family. I am like my garden in the middle of winter, someday I know I will bloom again.
Peace,
OC
It's a great feeling to finally know who we are and what we want. It might seem like a rocky road in the beginning but it will all fall into place if we are patient ...
ReplyDeleteGood things can come out of anything. You will definitely bloom again.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, they block off part of the parking lot here for the spring/summer stuff too. We're considered rural.
Not sure I know the whole story here but whatever it is, I have confidence that you will emerge on the other side, stronger than ever.
ReplyDeleteYou will bloom again, I know it!
wow you have been doing a lot of head work since the last time I popped it!
ReplyDeleteoxox
nina
Dude, I go away for a few days and look what happens!
ReplyDeleteNo, seriously, I'm so happy for you. It's such a huge, poweful and altogether gut-wrenching thing to realize who you really are. And to not judge yourself for it but to embrace yourself. I'm so proud of you.
Barb