Duality…
What does that mean???
The American Heritage Dictionary on my desk states that it means:
”The quality or character of being twofold: dichotomy”.
OK, so what does “dichotomy” mean?
Again, to quote the American Heritage Dictionary, it means:
“Division into two usually contradictory parts or opinions; schism.
This applies to my life right now. I feel like I’m in such an awkward hard place to be in, and I definitely find myself going back and forth on how I feel about myself all of the time.
Can I be truthful to who I am, or at least who I think I am, living my life they way I am living it right now? If I’m confused, does that mean my life and my feelings are authentic? Who or what makes them authentic? Am I merely trying to justify to myself my feelings and lack of courage to make a change?
This is what rambles around inside of my head on a daily basis. How do I fit my life into two distinctly different realities, or is that just plain stupid? Can I have two different realities and claim myself as a normal, functioning human being? If I’m not acting on one reality at the moment, does that mean that it doesn’t exist?
I think part of me wants something organic to hit me in the face and tell me what I need to do. I want it laid out in front of me plain and simple. Then I know the other part of me, has never been able to do things plain and simply.
What does that mean???
The American Heritage Dictionary on my desk states that it means:
”The quality or character of being twofold: dichotomy”.
OK, so what does “dichotomy” mean?
Again, to quote the American Heritage Dictionary, it means:
“Division into two usually contradictory parts or opinions; schism.
This applies to my life right now. I feel like I’m in such an awkward hard place to be in, and I definitely find myself going back and forth on how I feel about myself all of the time.
Can I be truthful to who I am, or at least who I think I am, living my life they way I am living it right now? If I’m confused, does that mean my life and my feelings are authentic? Who or what makes them authentic? Am I merely trying to justify to myself my feelings and lack of courage to make a change?
This is what rambles around inside of my head on a daily basis. How do I fit my life into two distinctly different realities, or is that just plain stupid? Can I have two different realities and claim myself as a normal, functioning human being? If I’m not acting on one reality at the moment, does that mean that it doesn’t exist?
I think part of me wants something organic to hit me in the face and tell me what I need to do. I want it laid out in front of me plain and simple. Then I know the other part of me, has never been able to do things plain and simply.
On that note, I think I’ll go home and BBQ and have myself a beer!
Peace,
OC
Peace,
OC
Struggling inside is painful. Just remember the old saying "to thine own self be true" that's the only one you will have to answer to when it all comes down.
ReplyDeleteI'll join you for that beer!!!
To thine own self be true.
ReplyDeleteVelvet Ginger hit the nail on the head.
Duality works when the qualities in question are not in conflict. When they do, this creates a split that can be so harsh and disruptive that your entire lifestyle suffers. Could lead to a complete breakdown, trying to be something that you are, in your heart, not.
I would love to wave my magic wand and grant you the epiphany of knowing exactly who you are and the strength to make all decisions to create in that identity your happiness in life--but I'm too busy wishing someone would do the same for me! :) It is a hard, risky and not always socially-acceptable undertaking, the Joseph Campbellian "following of one's bliss."
In time, the truth will shine through for you. Then the path you need to follow will be crystal clear.
Be well, OC.
Hey OC - I really, really believe that things will fall into place for you. I know it all seems overwhelming and confusing right now. I can definitely hear the Cancer in you. Your strong sense of loyalty to your husband in one hand, your desire to explore your "true self" in the other. It may be when you least expect it, but I have no doubts that you will one day be on the path that you know is just right for you. Keep strong.
ReplyDeleteI hope the BBQ & beer helped with the clarity and if not, I hope they were just...yum.
ReplyDeletePeace be with you.
Just wait for the time. You'll know.
ReplyDelete