I watched Primetime with Diane Sawyer tonight.
The episode was titled "A Love Story For Your Life". It was a special on former Carnegie Mellon Professor Randy Pausch.
I've been sitting here thinking about it for over an hour. I want to blog about it. I'm sure everyone who watched it, that blogs, is going to want to blog about it.
This man, this incredible man, is dying of pancreatic cancer. The beast of all beasts, so to speak. I've read about him for some time. I saw him on Oprah a few months ago. I have been affected by him since I first heard about him.
Tonight though, it was like I saw and felt the message he was sending. I'm so sad that the world is losing this man. He is the type of human that makes a difference to so many people. He lives honestly, truthfully, and he lives a life of fun.
He is a happy soul.
He has a wife whom he loves, and he has three beautiful little children.
The thing that he said tonight that inspired me the most, and I'm sure this is not an exact quote, but it was that "his family was about to be pushed off a cliff and he wouldn't be there to catch them, and that breaks his heart".
He went on to say that he could spend the time he has left, being angry, and depressed, or he could start sewing net's to catch them from the fall". He said life isn't fair, so what?? He will live his life anyway.
When I think of my own struggles compared to his, it takes my breath away.
The power of choice.
I've always known, deep down in my soul, that you can choose how to live your life.
That is in your hands. But I think it has taken me until now, in my 40's to really understand what that means, and just how precious life is.
He stated that "he was sad he wasn't going to have the experience of being a dad", but the hardest part for him was that his children would not have the experience of having him be their father. That was the hardest thing resting on his soul.
I can completely understand how he feels. Any of us who have children, know, that we are our children's best hope. People may love our kids, immensely even, but no one will love them like a parent loves them.
I know that if something were to happen to me, that my husband might remarry, and then my kids would have a step mom. I believe that person, even if she did love my kids, would never love them with the intensity that I do. There is something physical about the love a mother and father have for their child.
But back to Randy. I've been going through so many struggles of my own for the last few years. Watching him tonight really helped shed some light on my struggles, and put some things into perspective.
My physical body. I've had some major struggles with this. I haven't been able to lose the baby weight since I've had the kids. My knees are really struggling with this right now. I have done a lot of soul searching in the last 6 weeks about this, and I have been making changes in my diet. I have been feeding my family healthier foods, and my husband has given in and decided that he needs to eat vegetables even though he hates them, so that our kids will learn to love them like I do. He is surprising himself that he is beginning to enjoy the things he has always thought he hated.
So watching Randy tonight only strengthened my resolve to continue on. To make strong choices. To make my choices matter. And it became even more clear to me, even considering my sexuality, and my recent discovery that I am indeed a lesbian, that the choices I am making now are the correct and strong choices for me and my family.
It's been amazing to me, even just in admitting this to myself, and my blog friends, how much more comfortable I've been in my own skin.
I think I have finally achieved a place of self honesty that I have been lacking my entire life.
I feel genuine. I feel like I know who I really am. I'm a married lesbian who loves her husband and kids. I've chosen to make a life with this as my reality.
We all know we will die someday. That is a given. But when we die, will we be able to go peacefully knowing we have lived an honest life that matters?
This would be such an incredibly easy topic for me if I didn't love my husband, but I do.
He is a kind man.
He is a wonderful father, and he has never, in almost 10 years, let me down. He was there holding my hand when I almost died in childbirth after my 2nd child. He held my hand when my dad was dying, as I held his hand when his parents died. We have a strong history together, and we have common goals in how we want our kids raised. He is the person I trust most in this world.
At the same time, this whole side of me, he doesn't know. I'm sure, at some point down the road I will tell him. I've been thinking on this too. I think I am going to have to tell him. I am not a person who can live a lie. I can live my life honestly around my sexuality, but that will only truly happen when I tell him. I'm sure this won't be soon. I need to work it out with myself first.
So here I am, finally feeling like this is the life I chose, and it's a good life. I am happy and I have a family. I know who I am, and I can affect change in myself and the people around me with this knowledge. I can be true to who I am, and at the same time, live my life in the place of honest integrity I must live in.
My goal, for the next half of my life. Is to love my body. I mean really love it. To take care of it. It has given me everything I've ever wanted. I need to honor it now. I need to feed it with love, nutrition and compassion. I want a happy life. I want to know that I'm healthy enough to really enjoy the activities that I do with my kids. I want to take them out to enjoy nature, and teach them about life. To teach them to love people. To me, this is what I've been striving for most of my life.
I had gotten to the point, in my 30's where I figured I would never have kids. I was OK with that. I had accepted it. I was learning to make a life for myself and enjoy that life.
Then within 2 1/2 years, I have 2 kids.
OK, so it was a turn I wasn't expecting. I wasn't expecting to give birth at 41 years old. I wasn't expecting preemies with such high needs. I wasn't expecting my dad to die. There is a lot of life that is not in my control, but there is so much that is. There is so much in life I can choose. I can guide myself in directions that will fulfill me.
I can choose to live my life with love, with compassion, with strength of character, and integrity. I can choose to parent my kids so that they will look at people of all colors, orientations and gender's and know that doesn't matter.
First and foremost, I am a mother. I am a human. I am a person who loves deeply. I am a person who connects deeply with people.
So this is the Love Story for the Rest of My Life.
When I go, I want to go with no regrets. With my head held high. Knowing in my heart and soul that I lived my life to the fullest, with fearlessness and honesty.
Peace,
OC
and if you want the link to the Primetime show, here it is.
Wow, OC.
ReplyDeleteThese past couple years, especially since The Accident, I have been forced into an acknowledgment of my own mortality and a deep study of my happiness and the integrity (or lack thereof) with which I live my life. I appreciate and echo your need for taking care of yourself, treating your body as your temple. When we are not good to ourselves, how can be good for all others in our lives, especially those who depend so much on us like our wee ones? We all have our bodily battles--mine at the opposite end of the spectrum as most people but equally challenging in the care department. I have ceased to put my spirit time on the back burner and now much more frequently search out opportunities to nourish my spirit because, while we have physical health that means nothing when we simply are not good emotionally. This is my new challenge, this is one reason why I blog and follow blogs, this is why I take my kid-time, my rest-time, my friend-time, my me-time and refuse to feel guilty about it anymore...Life is too damn short to live in guilt.
I wish I could say every day is happy. I am not happy in my marriage although I am married to a perfectly good man...we are not compatible in neither points of view nor priorities nor focus nor hours nor... so much. I'm working on resolving that but, as you know, easier said than done, especially with two little monkeys who so depend on the equilibrium.
My father almost died of a pancreatic tumor at age 40, back in 1980. He got lucky, groundbreaking surgery was done on him at OHSU after having used a revolutionary new technology, the CT scan, to find the baseball-sized tumor growing within, then having his spleen erroneously removed before the discovery of the tumor on his pancreas. That gave my dear father 19 more years with us. We were lucky. Remembering that, being 8 years old, I think helped create a strong relationship between my father and I, knowing that I might never have had that relationship had things turned out the way that they could have.
Your post brought to be floods of thoughts, memories, the past-present-future of my life colliding. I will take time to watch the special to which you linked. Thank you so much, OC, for this post.
Be well.
Beautiful post. So true, and very wise words.
ReplyDeleteMay we all have peace and joy on our various journeys!
GG
All I can say, is for me, that integrity with myself was a gift I needed to give to my children.
ReplyDeleteI know you'll work it out the way you need to.
Bing and I watched this program too. She has been following this man's story for months now, but it was a first time for me.
ReplyDeleteI think that hardest thing to accept about my life is my lack of control over so much. I have many, many health issues and decided long ago that they would not deter me from having a life. I chose to have a child at 41, knowing that I had type 1 diabetes, rheumatoid arthritis, pre-lupus, meniere's syndrome and sciatica. It was a leap of faith. I've never regretted it, although, sometimes, in my darker moments, I have thought that life would be so much more easy if I didn't have a child, a marriage to tend. I tend to hermit myself and stretching my life to encompass a child, a spouse and a dog has been difficult.
Attitude is everything. That sounds so trite. But, I have learned that when my body turns on me, I have to go through stages. I first am panicky, then go into extreme irritation, then depression and finally a sort of anger that dissolves into acceptance and then my problem solving skills are free to come to pass.
You have some hard decisions coming up. But, I dunno. I think you may find the right path. You seem to trust yourself and that is really the main component to success.
Great post. You've given your readers a lot to think about. Thank!
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful post -- thank you so much for sharing it.
ReplyDeleteIn gratitude-
janet
What a beautiful post OC.
ReplyDeleteWonderful post OC. It really made me stop and think. Thank you for posting this.
ReplyDeleteI tell you what...stories like that make me feel VERY thankful & grateful for my health...and everything!
ReplyDeletei watched the program...it was the first time i'd heard of him...what he and his wife said...how they live...it spoke to my hear too...
ReplyDeleteas for the internal struggles you are dealing with...all i can believe is that there is no "right" way for us to live...there is only the way that we find...or make...
you will do what is right for you..
j.