Last Saturday Night

It's been a long week, and has the potential to be an even longer one.

She came over for dinner on Saturday night. We drank wine, we flirted all night, and we talked, talked, talked.

Even with my husband and kids wandering around.

I kept my distance from her, but emotionally I might as well have been lying on top of her.

It felt good to connect.

I still don't know where this is going.

I wish my feelings for her were not so intense, but they are.

She also broke up with her boy-toy this week, is that is what is spurring me on? Is that is what is spurring her on?

I know I was feeling very brave from a fab bottle of Merlot, and I made some under the breath comments, she just laughed, and did not seem offended.

She didn't look away from my continued eye contact. I wish I could have my cake and eat it too, but I have to keep my head here, even if I have a hard time keeping my breath.

Maybe a sexually tense flirtation is all this is ever going to be, but I think maybe I'm pushing because I want to see if there is anything to push. I don't even know if that makes sense.

I once again, could not stop watching her, am I that obvious? I know, to her I am, to everyone else, I'm pretty certain I am not. But I think she knows exactly how I'm feeling, and I am pretty sure she is feeling it herself.

The feelings I have are still so intense.

This whole experience has such a learning curve.

I have had a zillion different relationships with men over the years. But this is so intrinsically different in a million ways.

The other thing that has surprised me about myself, is that I've always considered myself a "girly tomboy". I hate dresses, I hate getting dressed up. I wear jeans all the time, but I still love putting on make-up, wearing perfume, and feeling girly, maybe "blue jeans and pearls" would suit me. But anyway, I have realized, that in this relationship anyhow, I am definitely feeling way more masculine than I ever have.

I am not trying to label myself at all, but it was a realization that really hit me me pretty hard in the face.

So the saga continues on, and maybe someday I will find my way through it, or not.

Peace,

OC