Last Saturday Night

It's been a long week, and has the potential to be an even longer one.

She came over for dinner on Saturday night. We drank wine, we flirted all night, and we talked, talked, talked.

Even with my husband and kids wandering around.

I kept my distance from her, but emotionally I might as well have been lying on top of her.

It felt good to connect.

I still don't know where this is going.

I wish my feelings for her were not so intense, but they are.

She also broke up with her boy-toy this week, is that is what is spurring me on? Is that is what is spurring her on?

I know I was feeling very brave from a fab bottle of Merlot, and I made some under the breath comments, she just laughed, and did not seem offended.

She didn't look away from my continued eye contact. I wish I could have my cake and eat it too, but I have to keep my head here, even if I have a hard time keeping my breath.

Maybe a sexually tense flirtation is all this is ever going to be, but I think maybe I'm pushing because I want to see if there is anything to push. I don't even know if that makes sense.

I once again, could not stop watching her, am I that obvious? I know, to her I am, to everyone else, I'm pretty certain I am not. But I think she knows exactly how I'm feeling, and I am pretty sure she is feeling it herself.

The feelings I have are still so intense.

This whole experience has such a learning curve.

I have had a zillion different relationships with men over the years. But this is so intrinsically different in a million ways.

The other thing that has surprised me about myself, is that I've always considered myself a "girly tomboy". I hate dresses, I hate getting dressed up. I wear jeans all the time, but I still love putting on make-up, wearing perfume, and feeling girly, maybe "blue jeans and pearls" would suit me. But anyway, I have realized, that in this relationship anyhow, I am definitely feeling way more masculine than I ever have.

I am not trying to label myself at all, but it was a realization that really hit me me pretty hard in the face.

So the saga continues on, and maybe someday I will find my way through it, or not.

Peace,

OC

The Volcano in my Heart

I finally feel like I can put the past months behind me a bit. I have just bit the proverbial bullet and basically cut contact with “her”.

My anger is lessening, and my ability to concentrate is coming back. I’m enjoying my family life, and working on moving forward, though it is still so incredibly hard.

I am finally ready to say it to myself, I mean really admit to myself that I was really falling in love with her, and in the end, my feelings got trashed. I’m sure hers did as well. I don’t even know what to say about it, except it has been so hard, and such a learning experience.

I want to live a brave life. I fulfilled life. A life of joy. A life filled with passion. This is the one thing I’m really lacking.

Passion with a capitol “P”.

Maybe become a “passionista”..how is that for a made up word?

I could just begin by writing erotic stories.

I’ve always thought it would be a fun hobby. Maybe write them in a team setting.

Get wild and crazy via the written word. Is that possible?

Although I love my husband tremendously, I’m just not that into sex anymore.

I really have no desire, which is the hardest of my struggles at this time.

I think the one thing the experience with “her” taught me, is that I really do prefer making love to a woman. It wasn’t just a “fantasy” any longer, but a reality.

A wonderful thrilling reality. It was so mental and I felt so connected to her, just like warm amber flowing through my veins. I couldn’t tell where I left off and she began.

My eyes were closed, my fingers on fire and my senses alive. I turned into a feeling being, with no thought of “when” it was going to be over, I didn’t want it to be over. When I kissed her, when I touched her breasts for the first time, it was like a mountain of hot flowing lava exploded inside of my body.

This is the hardest part of my memory of “her”. The memory of the feelings, the erotic fulfillment of a lifetime of “wanting it to be over”.

So there you have it dear readers, I will probably have to spill my soul again, as I am a Cancer, and I am moody, and I am terribly emotional. I just want someone out there to really understand my quest, and my journey into the inner recesses of my soul.

Peace,

OC

"HER"

I wish I could get “her” off my mind. I am so turned on, I’m wound up tight like a clock. I keep thinking about her. Did I say that I went out to breakfast with “her” yesterday? I kept looking at her hair, at her body. She is rather large, as am I. Large breasts, large hips, so soft. I wish I could get the image of her, with her face moaning in ecstasy out of my mind, but I can’t. I keep thinking about how she felt in my hands, how soft her lips were when I kissed her. The hour of hand holding and finger stroking that led up to the kiss.

I’ve often wished I had someone to share these visions with, but I don’t. So I just close my eyes, and sink into the soft darkness of my memories.

Reading erotica is sometimes what will help, if I can find the sort that is written by women, for women, not written by some man, for another man. I have no desire to fantasize about a 22 year old blond nymph. My fantasies are much more real, much more tactile. The women in my fantasies look like real women. That is the sort of outlet I want.

Ah well, off to dream land...

Peace,

OC