My Mom

Be warned, long parental rant about to take place.

My mom has been here visiting since Thursday.

Now, don't get me wrong, I do love seeing her, but I can only take her in small doses. This is why I bolted when I was 19 and never really looked back too much. She and I have always had problems. I was not her "favorite" child, and boy howdy did she let me know that growing up, she still does for that matter.

I had my father, who was a completely different animal, and that is why I turned out like I have. My mother on the other hand, is still a wounded 5 year old, striking out at anyone that doesn't do exactly what she wants.

I've worked really hard to get past my anger and feelings of resentment, but I'll tell you when she starts in on my kids, the mama bear in me comes out full force.

An example of this, is she has a potty mouth. On Friday, my little not quite 3 year old daughter was being, well...a brat. She was, but she is 2. My mom, just starts laughing and says to me, "that little asshole". Well, I came unglued. I told her I didn't want to ever hear her call my kids that again. She piped up with, "well she is being a little asshole". I said, she is "freaking 2!"

Later that day, I dropped something on the floor and said "shit". She looks at me and said, "you jumped all over me for saying a bad word". I said, "No, I didn't, I jumped all over you for calling my daughter an "asshole."" She doesn't seem to get the difference. I don't like people using potty mouths around my kids, but I don't come unglued over it either, but this is different. It's like she does this just to pick at me.

I realized tonight, as much as I love her, I do have a boat load of barely veiled rage around her as well. She made comments to me this week that "R" (my sister) is not going to get to see the kids this year because she has to work. OK then, well here is the thing...as far as I'm concerned, "So fucking what"?

My sister has been living off my parents for her entire life (she's 40) and she still is. She finally got some stupid ass job at an answering services and the world fucking has to stop because "R" has to work. Now I ask ya...should I give a crap? Basically the comment was made to make me feel guilty for not going back to CA for our vacation.

I don't know how to tell my mom, that I don't really intend to go to CA on a vacation for a long while. My idea of vacation is certainly not to go hang out at my mom's house with my sister for 2 weeks with nothing to do but eat sleep and shit....(pardon my language, but I'm pissed right now).

She is mad because last year we went to Seattle for our vacation, and this year, we will be pulling our RV to Mount Rushmore and then through the Midwest. We are going to MO for a reunion with friends, then up to Chicago to see a dear friend of mine then back home through WI, NB and ND. She thinks that I should be going to her home for "vacation"....that' is a huge...NOT.

She just digs at me constantly. She can still make me feel guilty. It pisses me off that she can still make me feel guilty. I know in my head, that she is doing it, and at least I've learned not to react to it, but my heart still takes it in. Isn't it funny how you can love your parent in spite of nearly hating them?

One of my biggest fears in life, is that when it's all said and done, my kids will resent the hell out of me like I do her. My mom has never once said she is sorry to me.

I remember when I was a kid, she would get mad at me for whatever reason, and just slap me across the face, or tell me that she wished that she had never had me. Stuff I can't imagine saying or doing to my own kids.

Becoming a mother has made me realize just how horrible my mom treated me when I was a kid.

So there you have it, my weekend in Technicolor.

To make things a little more interesting, my knees have been bugging the hell out of my and my husband has been being an ass. Talk about fun filled weekend writing fuel.

Peace,

OC