People Talk Through My Life

I was thinking this morning over a luke warm cup of coffee (because I hate it when it's been microwaved), that things in my life have changed so much. I don't just mean the realization of my sexuality, but my life in general.

Who would have thought, ten years ago, when I was trying to make my way in the big city, that in 10 years, I'd be living in Montana, working for the government and be the mother of two very small children? I certainly never would have guessed that. I was deep into going out with my friends, trying to survive and dating a guy I had a true soul connection with. There have been two men in my past, that I feel like I have had such a connection with.

The first, I met when I first moved into my house in SF. His name was Cody. He was painting my neighbors house, and working on it. He was an electrician. He was beautiful. He looked a bit like Matthew McConaughey, and to this day, I see Cody when I watch anything with Matthew McConaughey in it.

I offered him a beer, and he declined. But we became fast friends and lovers. He had a wildness about him, that it has taken me years to understand, and come to terms with. When I offered him that beer, over the fence I had no idea he was a recovering alcoholic.

I didn't find that out until much later. We had driven up to the top of Twin Peaks, and parked. When we got out to enjoy the view, he told me about his alcohol problem and how it was so hard to turn that beer down that day. He started telling me his story. I just feel a deep sympathetic love for him. Like he is a broken doll that no one loves. I can't fix him.

We were together for about 2 years. Off and on. Cat and mouse sort of relationship. I think we were both in love, but he was so elusive, and would go on these binges where I wouldn't see him, he would sit by the sea and write obsessively in his notebook. We would go camping often, way out in the middle of nowhere.

I was deep into that two year period before I figured out Cody was bi-polar. I loved him, I still love him. I worry about him, since I haven't heard from him, and the last email he sent me was very cryptic, and almost like a good bye letter.

I've always thought, someday this horrid disease would get the best of him, and he would kill himself. He was such a gentle soul, trapped in a beautiful body with a horrible disease. I've always tried to make sure he knew I loved him, and that I was his friend and I would accept him on what ever terms he was able to give, but that he had to respect my boundaries around my family.

When I was pregnant with my son, I had to put down some really hard boundaries. He called me one night, and was threatening to kill himself. As I was talking to him, he made me promise not to call his mom, then he started shooting his guns off into his ceiling. I finally told him I couldn't talk to him anymore, then I broke my promise to him. I called his mom and we 5150'd him. I didn't think he would forgive me, but he did.

I have to limit my contact with him, as I'm not sure how stable he is, or what he will do because of his mental illness. I'm afraid for him now. I haven't heard from him, and I've tried to contact him repeatedly since that last email from him in January.

The second, was Randy. He was so different than me. He was conservative military, I was liberal. We drove the same car. We met on the Internet. I had the best kiss of my life with Randy. It was about 8 hours long, literally. I never have before or since kissed anyone like that. We were together for about 2 years. He had a son by a previous marriage and was a wonderful father. We had bad timing. I still email him every year on his birthday, and we both finally admitted the depth of our feelings for each other.

So where does this fit in with my life now?

I guess I'm trying to process my life.

This is my life, the good, the bad and the ugly I suppose.

My ex husband can never compare to the relationship I had with either of these men. I barely remember him comparatively. My husband now, he is a good guy, but that "passion" thing has never been there.

Yet now, I find myself in a place where I know that even then, I wasn't being true to myself. I think I've felt the need to dissect the most intense relationships I've had.

Mostly because even though I did have these intense connections with these two men, they both still paled in comparison to my relationship with my friend. It was like the door really opened for me that night. I got a glimpse of what love and passion really meant for me.

It doesn't discount what I felt for these special men in my life. I know I have a connection to them, and always will.

I believe in past lives, there I've said it. I feel like these strong connections you have with people, for what ever reason, are there because there is something that needs to be worked out. I've always believed that when you happen upon a new person, and you realize it's "just like you've known each other forever", it's probably because you have. Same thing with instant dislike...

I feel that my friend and I have some major history together, that is still not finished, and probably won't be finished for a long time.

Peace,

OC