Coffee Night Blues

Well, maybe not the blues, but it sounds good.

I had a lot of stuff to do tonight, so I made coffee...bad move. First of all, because I fucking love coffee....I adore coffee, I worship coffee...so making a pot at night is a treat. I needed some energy tonight..well damnit...I found it.

I was pretty sleepy awhile ago, then all the sudden...boing!!! OC is awake, sleepless in big sky country...so what else is new? I'm always awake at night, you all know this, but usually by 1:00am, I am winding down. Not tonight. I need to go to sleep.

I'm going riding tomorrow for the first time since my surgery. I'm going with "her". I wish I wasn't quite as excited about it as I am. Hubby has to work, and I have my sitter coming and she and I are taking off for an all day ride. I haven't been out on my bike for way too long, so just the simple pleasure of getting out and riding has me sitting here ready to leave right now.

We are packing up the chairs, the ice chest, and riding about 30 miles each way up to a lake up in the mountains. Then we'll have a little picnic and hang out by the lake and soak up some much needed warmth, peace and good ju ju.

This is where it gets hard for me, because she and I are still really good friends. She is unattached again, and well, you know how I am. She is a touchy feely person by nature, more so than I, and she does touchy feely my hair, my shoulders, my hands. Mixed messages....yes.

I really don't want to go there again with her. There are things about her that I know would not work long term, even if I did decide to just up and deal with this right now. But still, I feel that attraction on a constant basis. I love spending time with her, I feel like a greedy child who can't get enough. I love that she and I work in the garden every weekend. I love spending time with her, almost more than anyone except the kids. I guess I'm feeling the need to get my head around this tonight, since I feel like she is pushing it a bit right now. I'm not sure we are ever going to be just friends. I feel too much. But then we talk about it, and agree mutually that we have to not do this (this = sex by the way), that it wouldn't be good for me, or for her.

Today at lunch she sprang on me that the only way she would ever get pregnant at this point was if she was raped. I asked her what she meant, and she was very evasive in her answer. I never did get a straight answer out of her. So now I guess I'm wondering if her fence is as low as mine, to use her previous words.

I think the thing that is shocking me about this whole girl/girl relationship, is that we talk when there is an issue. I don't feel like I'm hopping through hoops. I don't feel like I'm playing some stupid game of, who is coolest and can wait the longest to call. This feels real. For whatever reason, this relationship will be with me for the rest of my life, of that I'm sure.

It also amazes me that I really do see myself, in such a real way, for the first time in my life. I'm ready to just get on with my life, quit worrying about my body not being perfect, but worrying if it works. I think other than my body falling apart, I love getting older. I just feel so sure of myself anymore. So certain that I will be able to work through this.

I was reading some of my older posts tonight, and I realized how much I've grown even in the last 6 months. This blog is so about me working out my feelings, and working through my process. I've been thinking this way for awhile. But this week I made a big move. I told BFF and one of my dearest friends, who is also a lesbian. Both reactions where very good, and very positive. I'm not sure why it was so hard for me to tell my friend "S", because she has been a lesbian all her life. We are super close friends. But for some reason I was having a hard time figuring out "how" to say it. Finally I just blurted it out.

For the first time, this week, after saying it out loud to people in my life, I'm feeling like it is a major reality for me now. Not just something going on in my head. I feel validated.

I'm going to keep walking forward, until I see the road I need to turn on.

Everyone reading this is so inspirational to me. I'm grateful for you and your continued support over the last year.

I think sleep is finally on it's way...

Over and out ...

Now..go have some coffee!

Peace,

OC