On Chronic Pain

Wow.

I'm not sure what to say on this, except it's becoming a part of my daily life I have to deal with.

When you have always been healthy, maybe not perfect, but basically healthy, you don't realize what this is like. It is starting to take over everything in my life. Does it show on my face, I think it must?

Ever since I hurt my knew many months ago now, I have been in almost constant pain, some worse, some better, but it's always there.

After the surgery, I was hopeful that this would be the end of it, but then the Dr. diagnosed me with the dreaded osteo-arthritis in both of my knees.

I've started doing physical therapy, and both of my kneecaps are out of place. So I've begun taping them, per the therapists instructions, it's helping...a bit.

The thing is, it is really starting to hit me, that this is here to stay. This pain. I have to learn how to live with it somehow.

On top of all my other struggles, and as most of you know there are many, I've gone from a relatively healthy (albeit overweight) 40's mom, to a mom who is still overweight but in constant pain.

It nags at me. I get up from my desk at work, and have to stand, for just a second to make sure my knees are not going to give out on me.

Sometimes I can take the stairs as normal, sometimes I'm holding both rails and going down them, one at a time like a child.

This is starting to rock me to my core.

I'm trying so hard not to take pain pills, I am terribly afraid of being addicted to them, so I do without most of the time.

Pain, it's like parking problems in the city, you have to think about it all the time, how are you going to manage this, how are you going to manage that? I can't kneel down to weed, so I have to bend down.

I tried to give my kids a bath the other night, because I hadn't done it since the surgery.

When I knelt down as I've always done, I ended up yelling for hubby. By that point, I was in so much pain, I couldn't finish the bath, so from now on, no kneeling during baths.

I'm hoping PT will help. I am just at the beginning. But this is so scary. I don't know how I'm going to handle this long term. Being in pain constantly, put you in a bad mood.

Then I have to fake my bad mood out so the kidlets don't see it so much.

Hubby seems like he gets it, for a minute, but then he "forgets" and rolls his eyes when I say something about being in pain.

kI know deep down, he thinks I'm making this up, but damn it I'm not.

I'm the woman who got through 2 c-sections on just a few vicodins each. I don't do pain pills. I have always had a high pain tolerance.

But this, constant, nagging, sometimes barely there, sometimes so bad that I think cutting my leg off isn't such a bad option after all, is changing who I am inside.

My good friend, she has both MS and Lupus. She deals with chronic pain. She has a 2 year old, and is pregnant again. If she can do this, I can do this. She is the person I talk to about this, because no one seems to get how this wears on you, down to your very core.

I want to feel young again.

I want to be able to take care of my kids, without feeling pain while doing it.

I want someone to fucking get it.

I don't want someone to roll their eyes at me when I'm almost in tears already.

I'm strong, and things like this don't get me down, but today has been a hard day. My right knee has been throbbing all day. So I came home from work, and took a pain pill and tried to nap. When hubby came home, he jokingly said "wimp".

WIMP?????

Does he even realize how fucking bad that hurts my feelings???

Probably not, since I hold it in. I can't show my weak side to him anymore. I don't feel comfortable.

I want someone to understand me.

To understand that I really am strong, and that I'm doing the very best I can, and that I won't give up, I can't give up, I have kids to take care of.

But where is the person who will massage my hurts, and let me weep on their shoulder on a bad day?

Peace,

OC