Sunday Night Brain Waves

I'm craving the ocean tonight. Bad.

I miss it so much, sometimes I can hardly bear to think about it. Even though I'm living in "big sky country", I feel claustrophobic today.

I woke up feeling whacked out, and still feel that way a bit. I got in a fight with hubby 2 nights this week. I left tonight for awhile, to the solace of the garden center at Walmart. I then spent the rest of the night planting my plants that I bought this evening. I probably have too many now. Since I spent the day planting, then went and bought more plants, soil, pots and stands and potted some more.

The thing that is surprising to me, and I don't know why this surprises me, is that when I think of leaving, no panic sets in. Sadness yes, panic, no.

So I spent my day alone with my kids. I gave them each watering pails, then let them play in the water, and "water" the grass. Then we spent the afternoon on my bed watching Star Wars. With my kids, it was a good day. With hubby, not so much.

I really want to take off for a week by myself. Just to rest and recover. I feel so tired. So burnt out. I need someone to take care of me. Sometimes I don't think I can take care of even one more person. I want to run away to the ocean, sleep, write and dream for a week. I want to feel free for a little bit.

Is this what coming out feels like? Or is this just what it feels like to be in a troubled relationship? I know, that my biggest worry is this marriage. The coming out part doesn't scare me, not even a little, at least not after can figure out what to do about my marriage and my kids. There really isn't anyone in my life at this point that I think would give me a hard time about actually coming out, they would probably say..."yeah, we wondered when you were going to do this".

I was driving today, and pondering why it is that I have such a hard time leaving. I tell people "everything is OK", when I know damned well it isn't, mostly because I don't feel like talking about this with anyone right now.

I really don't know what I want to do. A big part of me wants to bail, and run my beach bunny ass back to the sea. But, I have a great job, marriage or no marriage. I really like Montana, I like living here. I like the weather, but I miss the beach. I don't know which way is up, or down. I still have to think about which way is north and south here.

I know I've said this before, but it amazes me that my husband has absolutely no idea what is going on in my head, or just how unhappy I really am. He thinks we are "OK". I'm inches from bolting and he thinks it's all OK. If my kids were not in this equation, I would be gone already.

I'm not asking anyone to fix me. I'm not sure I can be fixed. I know I have intense feelings, and sometimes I'm just not sure what to do with them. I think that is why writing has become so important to me. It allows me to express what has built up inside of me, in a real release.

It is so hard for me to be in celibate mode as well. I have no desire to have sex with him. At the same time, I'm aching to have sex, and be intimate with someone. But not just "someone" either. I don't know why it's so hard to insert "her" into my sentences instead of "them".

I need to connect. I need to intertwine. I need drink someone up. Savor her, and enjoy her. I want to be in love again. I know, the summer always does this to me to an extent, but the need is becoming great. I'm not good at being alone, I've never been good at it, and even though I am married, I am alone.

I feel an innate restlessness in the summer. When it's hot outside. When I have an ice cold beer. When I want a roll in the proverbial hay. When I want to have great conversations with friends. You know, the kind when you feel the world rock because you understand that person so much?

You want to know what I miss? I miss life when it was simple, and all I had to worry about was myself.

I keep thinking, even if I do leave, even if I do come out. Who is going to want to move to MT to live here with me? I can't leave, since I wouldn't want to take the kids away from their dad.

So in a very real sense, I need to find a way to make a life for myself here, a life that will fulfill me.

I think one thing I will start doing after vacation, is pottery. There is a great artist co-op here in town, and I miss pottery so badly. I miss the tactile part of it. I miss feeling the clay in my fingers, and sitting at a wheel feeling my hands shape a pot out of a lump of clay. I spent many years doing this, and I know I need to start again.

I miss reading books. I miss not putting one down for an entire weekend, just because I needed to finish it. I can start reading again. I don't know how I've gotten out of the habit. I was a voracious reader my entire life. When I had the kids, it sucked the life out of me, and reading became something that took too much concentration for my addled mommy brain to handle. This is something that is very important to me, for my kids to see what reading is. I never thought I would be the type of mommy to not have books everywhere, but here I am.

So there you have it folks, my troubled Mommy brain on Sunday night