The Faker Inside of Me

I don’t have my head around anything in my life.

I feel like a faker.

I’ve been thinking about this so much today. Mid-Life Crisis. I think it would be more aptly named “Mid Life Panic Attack.”

I feel like I have absolutely come to terms with my sexuality. If this only involved me, it would be so much easier. I know I am not the first woman to feel this. I know I am not alone, and that there are many women out there somewhere in the process of the exact same struggle I am in. But I feel, in my soul that I am the only one who has done this. I know this is not rational, but it’s how my heart feels right now. I’m such an extreme “feeler” person, but I can’t seem to let myself feel this too much, or I will completely break apart.

I feel alone. I have my blog, and my connections there, which are invaluable to me. But in my “real” life, there are only two people that I’ve told. Both of these people are dear friends, but they live in a different state. They are not part of my daily life.

That leaves me alone in my thoughts so much, brain rattling in my head. I am isolated. I feel scared. I go back and forth between being so terribly mad at hubby, for his stuff, and then feeling so horribly bad because I feel like I’m on the edge of screwing his world up.

I had a day like that today. I looked at him last night, with our friends over, our kids running around our beautiful yard, and thought, I can’t let this go. I am ready to confront him about the addiction stuff, and that in itself is it’s own ugly monster.

That aside, there is a huge part of me that can not imagine my life without him in it. I think I’ve been very hard on him lately, out of my own desperate unhappiness. I’ve never felt this conflicted. This vulnerable. This beastly.

I can’t keep the same emotion for 10 minutes. One minute, I feel strong, powerful, and like I am on the road to taking back my life, for me. The next, I am wondering at what cost is this going to cost me and my family, emotionally, financially.

One thing, I am certain, I am not being authentic. There are great untruths in my life right now concerning my marriage. My relationship with my friends. I know, there are a few of my friends here, who will be fine with my sexuality, then there are the ones that I know won’t be. I wonder, will this cost me in my job? It’s like Russian roulette. I’m not sure, who in the end, will be there for me, and who won’t. I am certain that my tribe, my real lifetime friends will all be there for me, but it’s the short-timers that I have made in the last few years I worry about, because it is these people who I suspect will be in my life for the rest of my life.

I have put down roots in this community. Will they be strong enough in the end?

I’ve done so much thinking of what I want, and how I want this to play out. What I want, first of all, is for hubby to accept his addiction issues and work on them. No matter what happens in our relationship, he is the father of my kids. My kids adore their dad. I want hubby to be happy and healthy so he can be there for them long term.

I’m afraid though, if I bring this up, and he works on it, that when I do drop the big, “I don’t want to be with you bomb”, that it will throw him over the edge again, so this leaves me with, do I tell him first, and try to make him understand I need him to get healthy and strong so that he can parent these kids with me, regardless of our situation?

I know hands down, my hubby is not homophobic. If I was not his wife, he would never have a problem with me being gay. He would embrace it and be friends with me. So my hope, long term is that this is what will happen. That after I finally leave this place, he will rise up and be supportive. He has always been supportive of me in hard times. I know he loves me. Can we make it through his addiction and my sexuality and still manage to raise these wonderful kids with a loving home life?

My hope is that we can put our lives back together and work together and be a family still. I want out of this marriage, I do not want out of his life. I don’t want to be one of those divorced families where the parents hate each other and the kids are sadly stuck in the middle. I realize, that my kids need their dad, every bit as much as they need me. I have no desire to take them away from him, to deny him his children. I want him in my life, I just do not want to be his wife.

I also know that this is not up to me. I really have no idea how his reaction really will be. I am hopeful that the person I love, once he has time to process and get over the hurt some, will realize that I do love him, and that I value him. That I don’t want to take anything away from him, and that in the end, this is not about him, but unfortunately it effects him and his entire life.

I own that truth.

But I need him to own the truth that his addictions effect me and the kids in everything we do. I need him to own that.

There is someone out there I think of often. Impossible circumstances, but the sort of person I would like to be with. One who cares enough to ask how I’m doing. One who doesn’t judge me, and who I know is kind and loving. One who I already feel so incredibly emotionally connected to. This is the sort of person, that ultimately I need to have in my life.

I’m getting closer I think, and further away. Two steps forward, four steps back. I had no idea, this would be so incredibly hard, or that I would feel so horribly alone. I can’t even really cry about it. I’m dry. I’m hurting.

There is no really good choice. No matter what I do, the people I love and care about most in this world will be hurt. So it is important for me to try to be as healthy as I can during this time. I don’t want my family to hurt.

I also do not want to be a crappy parent and wife because I’m so unhappy. I feel like I have a boulder sitting on my heart. Lead in my feet. and tears waiting to spill.

Peace,

OC