Flight or Fight?

Another fun filled day in the truck.

I'm going to warn you now, this is a major vent. I believe this is the single worst fight hubby and I have ever had.

It started over the AC again.

We were driving along this morning, after leaving Saint Louis. It wasn't really hot, but the sun was beating down on my side of the truck, on our small son's side of the truck.

I finally said, "I can't take this anymore, we need to turn on the AC."

Hubby said, "we are not turning on the AC, it's not hot."

Off to the races.....the fight started.

I'm still feeling it now. I'm so mad.

I made accusations, he got mean. I got meaner. I told him I thought we should just break this up, that I was sick of fighting.

He then said, "I suggest that you begin looking for an apartment when we get home."

I said, "No, buddy, you can start looking for an apartment."

Then he informed me that because we used a great deal of the money that we got when his father died to purchase said house, it was "his".

I'm like, "Dude, both CA and MT are community property states, we had been living together and had been married for well over 3 years when your dad died, everything WE have is OURS. There is no separation of church and state in this house. Besides the fact, I AM the fucking breadwinner in this house, if you want to get technical about it."

Off to race number two. I told him he was getting mean and nasty, and that if he thought he was going to be taking either my kids or my home from me, he was fucking nuts. I have a few trump cards I can and will pull if I ever need too.

He then accused me of never interacting with the kids because I "get online the minute I get home from work."

I said, "Well, maybe I do get online, but I never get a fucking break from either the kids or you, that you get at least one, if not two days off alone every week, and I have the kids by myself every weekend".

So he countered, "you are just jealous". Touche'....yes, I'm jealous you have time for you and I can't take a crap without someone beating on the damn door.

I didn't talk to him at all for the rest of the car ride. When he pulled over for gas, he turned on the AC, and it just pissed me off more at that point because it wasn't that I was uncomfortable, it was him sucking up.

When we arrived at camp here in Chicago, we spoke, but only the basic necessities. I went to do laundry, and left a pack of hot dogs on the counter, he failed to make dinner, and when I came back to the camper at about 9:00pm, I thought I could grab a hot dog while stuff was in the dryer, I was starving. I came back, the kids had band aids taped all over themselves, hot dogs still on counter, and he was on the phone. I just left, I didn't say a word to him, it pissed me off even more than I was already mad.

I told him today, if I hadn't been in the middle of rural Illinois, I would have taken the kids, and the car seats and left him in the dust today. I am so sick of this.

The thing I'm having a hard time differentiating is am I mad at him because he is being an ass? Or am I getting madder than I normally would because I want out? I mean, I'm not sure if I'm not flying off the handle thinking...OK....here goes...lets jump.

But then I think, if it was him frying in the sun, turning red, miserable, I would have offered to put the AC on, and I certainly would have not refused to if he had asked me. There are things that I really do believe he is just being insensitive and asinine about. I also realize, that I am on a short fuse, and what might have set me off a little before, is now causing me to blow.

I'm beginning to realize just how terribly unhappy I am. How much I want out of this whole thing. How even though I was so upset today, there was a part of me yelling, "you go girl". I just don't want to blame my basic unhappiness on him. He's not the reason I'm unhappy. But I do think he is picking up on me being unhappy and reacting to it.

We spent last night fighting as well. We went out to dinner to "Applebees" ( one of my personal least favorite places to go) with his friend in St. Louis. I had asked him time and time again, if he could arrange for us to go somewhere else, somewhere with good food, some atmosphere, but he wouldn't do it. (another basic piece of not respecting my wishes). But oh well. So we meet this bimbo from his past at Applebees.

First thing I notice, she is all dressed up in a skirt, she is very thin. They are walking ahead of me and the kids, and I look at their legs, identical legs, it sort of freaked me out. So I made them sit together so I could wrangle kids.

Waiter comes over to take our drink order. I order milkshakes for the kids, a margarita for me, hubby orders a glass of wine. Waiter stands there, very politely waiting for bimbo to give her order, she keeps talking to hubby. Finally I asked him for more crayons. When he starts walking away to get them, Bimbo says in this really rude voice, "Aren't you going to take my order?" I couldn't believe it. She fucking sits there, blabbing while he stands there waiting, and then gets irked when he walks away to get something I requested. Poor guy.

He comes back, and I just looked at him and mouthed "sorry". He took her order, then he brought her a glass of red, when she ordered Chardonnay. Of course Bimbo makes a big deal out of it, how she will "just drink this". He brings her back glass of said "Chardonnay".

Food comes, she keeps talking, I keep taking kids to the bathroom, really it was more entertaining than her. I just instantly disliked her, and I don't usually dislike people on sight.

When Little Miss pooped on the potty, I told her in the bathroom, go tell daddy really loudly that you "pooped int he potty". I got a secret thrill out of watching "Bimbo" look like she was going to go under the table from sheer mortification. .

I'm used to this, most people with kids, are used to this, "bimbo's" evidently are not. OK...I admit, I do have a mean bone in my body, several in fact.

She asked me a few cursory questions about my job, and for once in my life, I just acted rude and bitchy. I didn't talk to her unless she asked me something, then gave her very curt non-descript answers.

She made a big deal out of the fact she is a Gardner (so am I folks), and that she is a "court reporter". Maybe I should have made a big deal about how I was a paralegal for the General Counsel a few jobs ago....I just kept quiet and continued being bitchy.

Honestly, this wasn't about hubby, it was about how she treated that poor waiter, I used to wait tables in college, and I hate hate hate people that think they are better than the wait staff, and treat them as servants.

When we got done with dinner, hubby asked me all happy, "what did you think?"

Of course, since I was already in bitch mode, I burst his bubble fast and told him what I thought of his old girlfriend. Then he got really mad, and we went into round one of today's fight, last night.

I know, I have spent an entire 24 hour period being a compete bitch to him.

I have no excuse other than the fact I am fed up, pissed off and unhappy. I am married to an addict, and even though for the most part he is a good father, I'm not saying husband anymore, because I can barely tolerate him lately.

We are definitely too close for comfort in this camper.

I need a mental separation, at least that. I told him he can have the bottom floor of the house, I'll have the top, and we can co-exist like that for awhile. I feel he is in pain, but he will not discuss it, or anything for that matter with me. He goes in to complete defensive mode, and shuts down. I'm alone in this marriage for all intensive purposes.

I will have to make some decisions I fear sooner than I thought I was ready. I don't know what, or how. It's amazing to me that once I told my few close friends about me, that I feel like I'm gaining strength to take my life back.

I feel badly I fought with him in the car in front of the kids, I don't feel really that bad about what I said.

So there you have it, I'm not sure where I'm heading right now, but I sure am heading there faster than I had originally intended.

Peace,

OC

P.S. to EM

I wish I could have hooked up yesterday with you, it just didn't work. I'm sorry. I would have loved to have seen you. If I ever get back there again, I'm going to schedule time for you. I want to have that glass of merlot we talked about so long ago.