Strong Women

Strong Women:

I’m sitting here driving through the Montana Countryside on my way home. We decided to ditch our last stop and make a mad dash home.

I’m listening to Melissa Etheridge on my iPod.

Hubby is sitting next to me, and every once in awhile he glances over at me. I don’t care anymore. I realized on this trip, I am not making anymore long road trips with him. This is the last one. I won’t do this to myself and my kids again. He is miserable to travel with. He won’t let me drive. He won’t turn on the AC when we are hot, he will give himself a “mercy” cigarette because he thinks he deserves it. This all just infuriates me to no end. I fee like I have no control in this vehicle at all, and truthfully I don’t.

One reason I agreed to go the rest of the way home today is that I can’t bear setting up and pulling down camp again. I want back into my own bed alone. I need a break from him.

So back to my title. Strong Women.

This trip has made me feel like I’m not strong. Like I have avoided conflict just to keep the peace because I’m trapped here with him. I don’t feel strong. I feel angry. I feel furious. This has nothing to do with my sexuality. It has to do with him not respecting my wishes on things like basic bodily comforts for both myself and my kids. I have a knot in my stomach.

I also just finished reading Elissa Walls book titled “Lost Innocence”. She is the girl that grew up in the FDLS church and she was the star witness against Warren Jeff’s. What an inspiration she is. She still seems sheltered, but she was able, at such a young age see through that rhetoric and know it wasn’t right.

She had the strength to leave it against all odds. I want to be like her. She has moved on, had children and is now married to a man she truly loves. She has a hard life, but I believe she has a good life now, sad, heartbroken and good. She has lost her entire family to stand up for what she felt was right.

This is what I need to do. Start preparing for the exodus. It has become so clear to me that this just isn’t working for me. I refuse to live my life in this miserable state. I had no idea when I began this journey that I would get to this point so quickly, less than a year after I started it.

I know I need to prepare myself. I need to get some counseling, I have no idea how to proceed. I need to find an attorney who will represent me and my interests. I also think I’m going to take off for a weekend in a month or two, just tell him I need to get out and leave, let him deal with the kids, and go.

I need to get my head straight. Figure out how I do this as gently as possible on my kids. I know hubby will get mean and nasty when it comes to money and financial issues as he thinks it’s all his. I think I may want to sell it all off and start over. Free and clear. Buy myself my own house, and take care of my kids in the way I see fit.

I can’t handle my house alone, and I know he won’t give it up. So we sell and start over. I can do this. I have a good job, with great benefits. I can take care of my kids. I don’t want to take care of him anymore.

I really truly think, if he were being a good husband to me, in most ways, I would and could stay here for my kids. But he is not. As far as he is concerned, he is first, we are second. I am not a woman that can be controlled, and when he tries like he has on this trip, it makes me so mad, so stubborn.

I am almost 45 years old. If I’m ever going to get my shit together, now is the time. I must do this for me, and for my kids. I don’t know what this will entail for me. I can’t see into the future, but I do see myself free, and flying.

Peace,

OC