I'm sitting on my couch, with the cool breeze blowing in on me. I've cleaned the kitchen, the living room, swept the floor, still need to do the counters, and vaccuume. Bathrooms need to be cleaned. My main bathroom is taking on that urine smell that bathrooms of little boys so often do. I need to wash the rugs today. I've got all the sheets in the washer.
Worst task today: Clean the laundry room. It's where I had Oscar's cat box and fed him. I got rid of the cat box and food bowls, but the room it self needs a good cleaning, and I can barely walk in there. I'm going to make myself today. I need to get that out. Get him out of there. I found a fur ball of his under my bed today and started crying. Poor old dude...poor me. I miss my cat.
After all my resolve of yesterday, today I'm feeling unsure of myself. Damn, this just isn't easy. It's not. How do I move forward? I don't know. I get it straight in my head, then my heart takes over and I crash into the wall.
I spent a lot of time outside on my deck this morning, looking around. I love this house, this piece of property, the view I have of the valley, the mountains. All the plants on my deck, my garden in the yard, the swing set we built for the kids. I don't know if I'm strong enough to let this all go. I just don't.
I've never had a home like this before, it's nothing fancy for sure. My house is not so large, but it is just fine for a family of this size. We have 4 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms. We have a lovely open yard. A home made fire pit my brother in law built for us out of rocks he got out of the mountains when Little Miss was born and in the NICU.
This is the first time I've really let myself grow some roots. I'm scared.
Honey, then just take it one day at a time. (LOL) Let yourself get ready. You wrote of getting stuff like documents and accounts/money ready. Just focus on that even if your not sure your ready to use them. One step at a time, work the program. (I crack myself up)
ReplyDeleteI'm here for ya - in my ongoing effort to get you to move to Seattle!
I've been there, to some degree. While I didn't relish the thought of 'starting over' I relished, even less, the thought of staying put, continuing to tread water fearing that I might drown any second.
ReplyDeleteNow many, many years later it feels like that slightly dis-tasteful portion of a pretty decent novel.
Stay strong.
Baby steps. Think of a butterfly just emerging from the chrysalis. It has to fly, it wants to fly, and it knows that it must fly in order to survive and thrive. But before it can fly, it will sit for a while, in the sun, and let its wings dry. Emerging is a process. It takes time, and thought.
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