All my life, I've heard that life passes quickly. Enjoy being young while you are young, etc...We've all heard this stuff our entire life.
I'm in a rerun of the Big Chill (probably my favorite movie of all time)
Only now, in my mid 40's, do I realize the truth in this. Life goes by fast, too fast. If I had only known. It seems like yesterday I was 20, living in the 80's, dressing like Madonna and listening to Frankie Goes To Hollywood. My 30's passed me by in a complete blur. How is it possible, I'm 44 years old? I had to just think about that, am I 44 or 45? Does it matter now?
I'm in a reflective place right now. I remember things so poignantly. I remember going to college in the redwood forest on the Northern California coast. I remember walking through the mist, on my way to pottery class, carrying a yellow and green plastic mug full of Earl Grey Tea.
I remember riding my bike, a very very nice mountain bike. Univega. It was black, with white speckles and teal and pink lettering. It had 21 gears, and I rode it everywhere, even to work 10 miles away. I remember biscuits and gravy at Crosswinds, and I remember learning what real burritos were. I can still smell the sour kraut smell of the pulp mill when a storm was coming in, and I remember knowing EVERY song that was played on the radio and seeing just about EVERY movie out there. I remember the dank smell of the pottery studio and my beloved tools that were stolen 20 + years ago.
My sponges, ribs, wire cutters, and shapers, my paint brushes, and paints. I don't even have one piece left that I made from that time period, but I remember the hours and hours I spent hunched over the potters wheel. That was my favorite thing, shaping clay into pots. It was so tactile.
Life was so full of the future then. Everything was possible, and I was not happy with my life then either. I was totally happy with where I was living, with my friends and my job. I was not happy with my personal life. I was married to a toad. A short, bald, selfish toad with back hair.
Now, don't get me wrong, back hair is not the end all be all, but when it comes attached to a short selfish toad of a man, it is. What the fuck was I doing? I thought I loved him, now looking back, I wanted to love him, but had no respect for him, no confidence that he would be there for me.
I'll tell you what folks. Do you want to know the single biggest mistake of my life? It was dropping out of college during my senior year because the toad convinced me too. He lost his toad job, and wanted to move back to So Cal, and I didn't. He begged, he pleaded, he told me, you can go to CSUN when we get back there. I finally caved, and damn it, that was the worst thing I've ever done. After that, I was so busy trying to survive, school never really entered the picture again.
I think I've always wanted someone to come rescue me. I have finally learned, I must rescue myself. There will be no prince (princess) in shining armour coming to take care of me and my spawn. Even now, the boat load of this responsibility is on me.
So here I am, 44 years old, head on relatively straight, and boobs sagging from nursing two kids. I am still not sure what I want, where I want to be or how I got to this blasted high plains place.
What's a Crone to do?
Something must be going on, I am so unusually emotional tonight...no that's not true. I am always emotional. Tonight though, feels like I've got the emotions of four people inside of me. Is mercury in retrograde??
I know I'm going to turn around and Small Son and Little Miss will be graduating from college, lets hope to God I get myself straightened out before then or I'll be begging for another life, just like the cat on his 9th life.
Peace,
OC
We do a lot of things when we are young that affect us as adults. And yes, 20 years passes in the blink of an eye. Don't let being 44 stop you from persuing your dreams. When you are 64 looking back on this post you may be thinking if only I had tried this 20 years ago...
ReplyDeleteBoy did I hear this one. 2nd marriage, having wanted to love but having no respect for mates, life a blur....Yeah,I hear ya loud and clear. I agree with CJ where she said: "Don't let 44 stop you from pursuing your dreams". It ain't gonna be easy but neither is the alternative. I am 47 and felt too old to even consider going back to school, but I'm in my Sophomore year of College now, struggling to survive, but still in school. The thought of graduating at 50 almost held me back but I realized that I was going to be 50, Lord willing, whether I went back to school or not. So I decided to bite the bullet, and stay focused on the fact that what I do will be for the benefit of my children and I later. So I'm sure you might tire of hearing it, but you'll figure it out. It might not come to you right away, but it will come.
ReplyDeleteHang in there,
Best,
RC
You do it.
ReplyDeleteI taught night classes at the uni for a reason--because there I would get individuals who often were anywhere from 25-65 trying to complete a goal. And those who had been out in The Real World had sooooo much to teach the idealistic young minds in the classroom--while those idealists were a good dose of youth and optimism for us old folks in the classroom. It was a great mix that a good teacher could make magic with.
When the time is right for you, you can do the same. Absolutely nothing should hold you back.
I had a very important talk with my children's father last night. It was good for me. I think it was good for all of us. Even the children were there. No raised tones, no emotions. I made what for me was a really big step and today I think I'm proud of that. It's not perfect, mind you, but it's clearer than it has been.
If I can do it, you can too. And right now, it's long distance friends who are helping me feel not so alone. We are all here.
Be well, OC.
Ditto! !
ReplyDeleteI'm 48 (now, whew) and yes, I lost some time, years..but there are still things to do, there is still time to do them.
Go for it!
I think you've made great strides in just the short time I've been reading you. You know more or less what you want, freedom. You have a good plan to get there. You can't do it all at once and you know that. Cut yourself a little slack and just keep moving toward the goal at the speed that is comfy for you. Just keep moving forward. Your not alone.
ReplyDeleteWhen we glance back at the past we live in the past. When we say I we should've we end up living in and with regret.
ReplyDeleteSo look at what you have and not at what is lost...again it sounds easy on paper, or computer screen and I realize it is not.
I spend plenty of time daydreaming and struggling to live with gratitude.
namaste-
j.
I know this will not help one little bit when it comes to insight or comfort.
ReplyDeleteThere isn't a day that goes by that I don't scream at the time of my lungs, (usually in my car so no one can hear me) "I am 46 years old, WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING?"
cheers
nina