BearsMountain: A Womans Heart is a Deep Ocean of Secrets..

August 3, 2008

A Womans Heart is a Deep Ocean of Secrets..

I've stolen my header from the movie "Titanic".

I love the ocean. My dad knew this, and drove my little child butt to the beach every chance he had when I was a kid, he usually drove me to Ventura Beach, through Fillmore and Santa Paula. He didn’t understand my need, but he did cater to it.

I spent today looking at pictures a friend sent me who lives on Cape Cod. I have never been there, but looking at those pictures of the sea, made me almost feel like I was going to throw up from missing it so, there is a hole in my gut from the longing I feel.

I’ve spent my entire adult life by the ocean. I am a water sign. I need water.

I realize now, even though I love it where I live, I’m drying up here. I miss the sea so much I want to cry out loud and pound my fists on the wall. Lakes don’t cut it. Rivers don’t cut it, only the ocean.

I don’t crave hot sunny beaches. I crave cold, misty rocky coastlines. I crave the salty smell, the sound of seagulls and frying clams. I am in the middle of a water sign crisis right now.

I have been thinking of the post I wrote last night, about living in the small beach town near Santa Cruz. What a wonderful, painful time that was for me. I fell in love with the sea there. I reveled in it. I have revisited that place so many times since I left it. My heart is there, and always will be. I had my first really good pizza there. I made love in the sand for the first time there. I discovered bagels. I discovered lesbians. I discovered a rocky cold misty version of Stevie Nicks. I became the seedling of who I am today there.

So where does this leave me? I have no idea. Though I love this wild land, I love my job, it feels like home in a lot of ways. I am feeling the need increasingly to return to the water. I need the salt air to breathe I’m afraid.

I’m posting my two favorite ocean songs. Both of these songs are as close to what I feel about the ocean as I can ever hope to put into words.

Enjoy!

Peace,

OC

7 comments:

Maria8/03/2008 6:50 PM
I have lived on the prairie for most of my life (I lived in Maryland briefly when I was in school), so I don't really miss what I have never known.

But, the idea of a house by the sea comforts me, even though I hate the smell and taste of fish and I wonder how I would ever live there...

I hope you get back to it soon.
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Mama Llama8/03/2008 6:51 PM
I miss the ocean too...but the mountains for me have always been my stalwart. I feel so protected, so embraced, so secure in their arms--and everywhere I have been without my mountains I have actually, ironically, felt trapped, extremely vulnerable and simply not well--much like I feel here.

Different sign, same longing. I understand completely.

Be well, OC.
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Kendall8/03/2008 7:18 PM
" I crave cold, misty rocky coastlines. I crave the salty smell, the sound of seagulls and frying clams." Beautifully written! Gorgeous. I'm right with you, and the Oregon coast is a hunk of heaven. May you get your ass to the ocean soon, soon. Even for a few days--it might give you the recharge you need. Go, girl.
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Martini Cartwheels8/04/2008 3:05 AM
Things change OC. Just as you probably never pictured yourself living in the mountains in MT, you may find yourself once again living somewhere near that beautiful beach you describe. There is still time.
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Anna8/04/2008 7:50 AM
I'm a Cancer as well, and I need to be near water, especially when my life is chaotic and my emotions are about to overflow. There are no oceans where I am, but I'm within an hour of the great lakes, and there is a hiking trail near a river close by. But it's not the same as being able to walk down the street, smell the water smells and just be there.

You write beautifully.
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sandy shoes8/04/2008 10:52 AM
Even living on Cape Cod, I don't get to the beach every day -- but I don't think I can overestimate the effect on me of living near the ocean. It feels essential. Sometimes I crave mountains, sometimes desert, but it's the coast that feels like part of me.

Water sign? Whatever. I just don't get the astrology thing. We Tauruses know it's bullshit ;).
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Anonymous8/04/2008 6:10 PM
a land locked pisces here. unless you count several creeks and a big ol' muddy river. the ocean calls me daily... some day, i will answer. as others have said -- get yourself to the sea and let the tides take you where they will.
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My Sound Track

31 & Falling -- Chris Pureka
Beauty & The Beast --Stevie Nicks
Blood and Fire -- Indigo Girls
Bridge Over Troubled Water -- Aretha Franklin
Cold Shoulder -- Amy Ray
Cross Over To Me--Caitie Curtis
Drift Away -- Dobie Gray
I Knew I Loved You -- Savage Garden
I'm So Lonesome I Could Cry -- Cowboy Junkies
If I Needed You -- Lyle Lovett
Imagine -- John Lennon
In Memory Of Trees -- Enya
Me & My Baby--Amy Ray
Rock & Roll Heavens Gate--Indigo Girls
Romeo & Juliet--Indigo Girls
Sexuality -- KD Lang
The Weakness In Me -- Joan Armatrading
Three County Highway, Indigo Girls
Where I Stood--Missy Higgins
You Can Sleep While I Drive -- Melissa Etheridge
You're The Reason -- Antigone Rising

81 Things About Me

81 Things About Me

1. I'm blond.
2. I'm the oldest child.
3. I got my drivers license on my 16th birthday.
4. My favorite color is red.
5. I've never been skiing.
6. I never want to go skiing.
7. I went to catholic high school for one year.
8. My cat is 18 years old.
9. My car is always messy.
10. My kitchen is always clean, even when the rest of my house is a mess.
11. I spent years wearing acrylic fingernails.
12. I can sing the songs to every episode of the Backyardigans.
13. I can sing every song of the wiggles.
14. I have fat calves.
15. My favorite shoes are Birkenstocks and Keens.
16. I have a weakness for vanilla smelling anything body products.
17. I'm a burrito snob.
18. I'm a really good cook.
19. I love to cook.
20. I have a fire engine red Kitchen Aide mixer that I will never divorce.
21. I'm a Stevie Nick's fanatic.
22. I lived by the beach for 20 years.
23. I have a lot of Barry Manilow on my iPod.
24. I have a lot of Bon Jovi on my iPod.
25. I got my ears pierced for the 1st time when I was 10.
26. I have two kids.
27. I'm a terrible student.
28. I'm terribly nosy, and will google you.
29. My favorite fruit is watermelon.
30. My favorite TV show is Criminal Minds.
31. I love Sex and the City.
32. I'm trying to figure out who will actually go see SATC with me a the theater.
33. I've never owned a new car.
34. I'll probably never own a new car.
35. My pets all live to be extremely old.
36. I have a red car.
37. I nursed my son for 2 1/2 years.
38. I was only able to nurse my daughter for 4 months.
39. I still have boxes of albums and no turntable to play them on.
40. 50 is getting closer than I'm comfortable with.
41. I own a Ron Popiel Showtime Chicken Roaster.
42. I use aforementioned roaster at least once a week.
43. I used to be a chain smoker.
44. I quit smoking cold turkey. I've never had another ciggarette.
45. I'm a coffee addict.
46. I have really good hair.
47. I have really bad legs.
48. I love down comforters.
49. I love flannels sheets, but not with down comforters.
50. I used to be a fairly good potter.
51. I've had a computer since they were on DOS.
52. This is my 2nd Mac computer.
53. I'll never own a PC computer again.
54. My favorite junk food is Dorritos dipped in sour cream.
55. My favorite drinks are Tom and Jerry's.
56. I can't stand any kind of light colored beer.
57. I've seen a bear.
58. I used to be very shy when I was a child.
59. I'd kill for a Noah's Bagel.
60. I'm a night owl.
61. I babble in the car, I love to talk.
62. I never expected people to actually read my blog.
63. I am an expensive perfume whore.
64. I have a temper.
65. I work hard to control my temper.
66. I grew up in the desert.
67. I hate sushi.
68. I love Diet Coke.
69. I hate Diet Pepsi.
70. I made all my kids baby food.
71. My 1st car was a 76 Yellow Honda Civic Hachback with a black stripe.
72. I worked in an amusment park for the fee rides on the roller coasters.
73. I miss "MTV", the real old "MTV".
74. I have 3 piercings in each ear.
75. I have no tatoo's.
76. I really don't like chocolate that much.
77. I love gummi bears.
78. White gummi bears are my favorite.
79. I shave my legs every day.
80. I love Disco music.
81. I can drive a stick shift.