Saturday Night:

I was reading Maria's blog tonight. It got me thinking about "best friends".

I've had many really good friends in my life, I've been lucky that way. I still have many good friends.

I remember a time, when I was in my early 20's, when I was living in a little touristy beach town on the California coast. This place was very near Santa Cruz.

This apartment, was full of bad juju. I remember when I moved in, my little cat "Bobby" crawled up feet first in one of the corners of the living room, and stayed there for a long time, like she was seeing something up in the corner of the ceiling.

One of many freak outs in that place. It was down the street from a crystal shop. Normally, I've always loved crystal shops. This one however, was scary. It had bad stuff in it, and when I went in, the hair on the back of my neck would stand up. This place was 1/2 a block away from my place.

That was the one place I lived, where I nearly sank down into the darkest pit of depression. I was very isolated, as once I would park my car on a Friday night, I was unable to move it for the entire weekend if I wanted to not lose my parking spot. Believe me, the parking in this place was horrid, and it was right on the beach, and every place that had available parking was way up a steep hill, and quite far away.

Still, I would open my windows and smell seafood cooking. I could hear the surf. I could hear people all over. I loved the town, still do in fact. I go there when ever I'm near. I have spent many afternoons there with my best friend.

Back then, I remember they came and pulled me out of that apartment. I really think I was close to losing it. Every time I went in there, a feeling of despair came over me, and was so strong I didn't know how to get away from it. Finally my friends came and got me, took me out of there. I moved a short time later, and life began looking up again.

I think that Maria's post got to me for a number of reasons. My best friend and I had a falling out years ago. I know I have said things to her, that make my skin crawl thinking about it now. We were both angry and hurting terribly. Somehow, someway, we have slowly made our way back. I live no where near her now. I live far far away. But I feel her. I feel her thinking of me.

I've tried to make new friends, and I've succeeded. I have. But...the big but, is that no one knows me like she does. We have such a shared, enter twined history going on. She is my family, as surely as if we were born in the same family. She is one of only 3 people in my "real" life who even know about this blog. I trust her, and I love her.

So when Maria wrote so eloquently about her BFF, it made me think of my BFF, and how those bonds are life long. Breaking up with her years ago, hurt me worse than breaking up with my ex husband, or any boyfriend I've ever had.

It made me realize you can't count on things just being OK..you have to work at them. You have to grow with it, you HAVE to be able to admit to your crap, and just as importantly you have to be able to forgive with your whole heart. You have to realize that people are not perfect, and we have the ability to hurt each other so much. So when you have someone in your life, who is that important, even though it is easy to take things for granted you just can't.

Losing her for the time I did, made me realize that if the one thing I had always counted on could fall apart, then anything could fall apart. I think in reality it made me a better friend. I have learned not to ignore things I have a hard time accepting. It's better to say to someone, "I have no idea what you are going through, I'm not going to pretend to, but damn it, I love you, and if you need anything you ask me. If you don't ask me, I'll be asking you." It made me realize that you can't let go of people you love.

There were lessons I needed to learn. I wish I hadn't needed to learn them so badly, but looking back from here, at that time, I realize how immature I was. How selfish I was, even if I didn't think I was. She became a parent before me. I became a parent after she did. I didn't understand then. I do now. I get it.

Parenting is what made me grow up. I'm not saying I know the answers to parenting issues, I so don't know the answers. What I do know, is that I'm not selfish like I was. Being a mom has brought strengths out in me I didn't know I had. It made me value people so much more. It gave me an empathy I never possessed.

I have learned to love like I never loved. I can't imagine my life without my kids now. I see friends who don't have kids, and it's like they shadow walk in a different world than I do. The demands we have as parents, really can't be understood unless you have walked the walk.

I don't know if any of you have watched the show Sex and The City. One of my favorite episodes is when Miranda is losing her mind because of Brady's crying.

Her neighbor, comes to her rescue with a vibrating chair for Brady. She says to Miranda (I'm paraphrasing here), "haven't your friends told you about this?"

Miranda says "I'm the only one with a baby", then her neighbor looks at her and says, "Then you are screwed".

Miranda of course says something to defend the girls, and the neighbor says to her, "honey, if they don't have kids, they don't have a clue."

Touche'....thats the truth. You can't even begin to describe the demands on you when you become a mother. You also can't describe to people the depth of the love you have for this little screaming creature. Mine are no longer screaming, but they are still demanding, and I suspect that will never change. But that being said, my life is so full in a way I have never imagined.

I think about my own childhood sometimes, and realize that though, my mother did the best she could, she was a wounded child herself. She has done well for herself, and all that stuff. I know she loves me. But she is still a wounded child inside an adult body. She hasn't done the mental and emotional work I have done.

My goal as a parent is to parent my kids with love, not try to be their best friend, and tell them every damn day how much I love them. They know mommy isn't perfect, but they also know I'm doing my best.

It's raining tonight and clearing away the hot stale air that has been around for weeks. It feels so good. Things are being washed away, things have extra water to take deeper roots.

Since I'm about to fall asleep, I'm going to stop here and try to dream of snapping turtles again.

Peace,

OC