I watch them, Amy is 2 months older than I am. I think about what I was going through in the mid-nineties when this DVD was filmed. I'm jealous. I wish I had known then, what I know now. I realize that I've been searching my whole life for this. I realize that when I watch this DVD, I feel myself opening up just a bit more each time.
I watch her dance, sing and be free. I watch Emily sing like a poet. I wonder what I did wrong. I've never been able to sing, though I would have liked to, but I was a pretty good poet back then. I was exploring my world. Why did I choose the path I did? I know that except for having my kids (and that is a big but for sure) that I would have been so much happier to have seen this then.
The trapped feeling that I have now, is so uncomfortable. I want out. I need out. I'm sure all I'm doing in a lot of ways is making my life harder than it is. For the first time in my life, I'm in a place of relative stability. I just know that I'm not meant to stay here, at least in this way.
I have a yearning so deep down in my gut, that it is physical.
It's funny, Little Miss has been obsessed with the children's book, "The Hungry Caterpillar" by Eric Carle. I read this book to her every night, several times. She knows the words by heart.
The Hungry Caterpillar eats his way through oranges, strawberries, plums. When the weekend comes, he eats his way through ice cream, a lollipop, sausage, Swiss cheese, etc....then he builds his cocoon around himself and stays there for "more than two" weeks. He nibbles his way out, and wow....he becomes a BEAUTIFUL BUTTERFLY. This feels like my life. Every time I read this book, it feels like a life lesson I'm trying to take in. The simplicity of it boggles my mind, but the message is clear. You gather your fuel, you nest, you hide for awhile, then you burst out free and beautiful. How much simpler can it really be?
I think I'm finally getting my head around the fact that I am hurting hubby, even by my non-action. I'm not being a wife. I hide from him, I share no details, I don't let him in my cocoon. Until I get there, I will not be able to become the butterfly. I've even considered getting a tattoo of that butterfly on my back for 2 reasons. 1. To remind me of the journey I am on. 2. Because it would be breaking away from hubby, in a real way. He hates tats. I also think the physical pain at this point would help me burst out of the cocoon.
I get my weekend off next week, I wish so badly I had someone special to share it with, but that is not in the cards, and so be it. I will reflect. I will enjoy a nice bed and enough sleep. I will do what I want. Maybe it's internal nesting??
In the light of the moon a little egg lay on a leaf.
One Sunday morning the warm sun came up and-pop!-out of the egg came a tiny and very hungry caterpillar.
He started to look for some food.
On Monday he ate through one apple. But he was still hungry.
He started to look for some food.
On Tuesday he ate through two pears, but he was still hungry.
He started to look for some food.
On Wednesday he ate through three plums, but he was still hungry.
He started to look for some food.
On Thursday he ate through four strawberries, but he was still hungry.
On Friday he ate through five oranges, but he was still hungry.
On Saturday he ate through one piece of chocolate cake, one ice-cream cone, one pickle, one slice of Swiss cheese, one slice of salami, one lollipop, one piece of cherry pie, one sausage, one cupcake, and one slice of watermelon.
That night he had a stomachache!
The next day was Sunday again. The caterpillar ate through one nice green leaf, and after that he felt much better.
Now he wasn't hungry any more-and he wasn't a little caterpillar any more. He was a big, fat caterpillar.
He built a small house, called a cocoon, around himself. He stayed inside for more than two weeks. Then he nibbled a hole in the cocoon, pushed his way out and ...
he was a beautiful butterfly!
Peace,
OC
Say YES to tattoos!
ReplyDeleteI read this quote in a book yesterday and I hope you understand I am sending it along with the kindest of intentions.
"The trick in not how much pain you feel, but how much joy you feel. Any idiot can feel pain. Life is full of excuses to feel pain, excuses not to live, excuses, excuses, excuses."
-Erica Jong
I came out late in life .....I had been married for 15 years my only son was 13....thank goddess for the internet...it help me gradually explore and gain support. I finally met and fell in love with somebody online and that moved me immeditely to telling my husband and family...even before I told her I was in love....secrets are too painful.
ReplyDelete"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."
Anais Nin
~Laurie
I know how you feel i was married for 12 years and its been very hard to divorce him with 2 kids and come out i hid it at first for many years but it started weighing me down and now i am so incredibly happy and so in love with my wifey we have been together for 9 years but it was incredibly hard at the beginning and now my ex husband is like they are best of friends (never in my wildest dreams i would of thought that they got along together). Now being out and being with a woman is when i am fully complete and so incredibly happy.
ReplyDeleteAnd defenitely tattoos are way hot i got 5 :)
On one hand, I wish I'd been able to come out sooner, I wish I'd gained the self-awareness I needed earlier in life. I understand why I didn't, and it's not all my fault - the socialization I received and the homophobia embedded in my family had a lot to do with why I hid my identity from even myself.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, I have two beautiful kids, who wouldn't be who they are without their fathers. I had family support when I needed it, and twenty years ago I would not have had it. My parents and family are a lot more aware now, and coming out to them at this point in my life will be easier.
What's hard is that I feel alone. What's hard is that I really have no one to lean on - the people I know who are in my shoes live in other communities and they have busy lives of their own. What's hard is that I have to take this broken life and start all over again. Most of the time that excites me, but today i just feel scared.
The butterfly metaphor is beautiful. It is like emerging into a whole new existence. You're going to make it. I have fatih in you.
Hi O.C. - I hope your transition to butterfly is as beutiful as it can be.
ReplyDeleteP.S. - Get the Tat !
can't imagine anything more perfect than a butterfly to symbolize your journey.
ReplyDeletethe indigo girls on vh1 provided a soundtrack to my coming out more broadly after the end of my first relationship in the late 80s ... just out of college, living the whole closer to fine journey. i swear she wrote the song for me (though i'm really an amy lyrics kind of gal)
get your tatoo.
The butterfly metaphor is indeed beautiful and apt.
ReplyDeleteYou will find your way.
Take very gentle care.
Peace.
This is a great post. I love the butterfly story. And the quotes on these comments are wonderful. I believe you are on your way to emerging from your transition.
ReplyDelete