King of No Tact

I'm sitting here again, having coffee, very early in the morning with my kitten on my feet. Hubby was a proverbial prick when I got home yesterday, even though we had a good talk on the phone. Here is what I decided. It's easier for me to talk to him on the phone, because I'm not looking at his body language and getting irritated.

I told him I was going to look at a house last night, when I didn't come right home, he started calling me, like he does, over and over every five minutes. WTF? Leave me a message and I'll call you back. Then I get the third degree..."Where were you, where are you"? I've taken to not answering my phone because it makes me so mad.

It's like, "Dude, we are getting divorced, you no longer have any right to know anything more than basic information concerning the kids." Get a clue. I came home last night, and he started telling me how "he" had gone to look at a house, with small son asleep in the back of his truck. He said this right in front of the kids. He kept asking me about the house I looked at, right in front of the kids. I told him to quiet down. He didn't seem to get it. I finally went over to him and said Shut the Fuck up...the kids are listening....in a terse whisper.

So last night, Small Son would not go to sleep. He was milling around me. I made the executive mommy decision to tell him. I didn't want hubby throwing out any more zingers and Small Son worrying about it. So I told him. I told him that Mommy and Daddy were splitting up (small son's term-so he has heard hubby talking), that Mommy and Daddy wouldn't be living together anymore. He started crying a little, then hugged me with one of those only little boy hugs, and said "I want to stay with you Mommy."

I assured him that I wasn't going anywhere, that he would be staying with both Mommy and Daddy, and that my home was his home. He wanted to know if his toys would go, and I said yes, he would have a new room for his toys, a new yard to play in and Sissy would be with him all the time.

I told him that even if he started thinking it was his fault, it wasn't. I told him about the house I looked at. I told him everything I thought was appropriate for a six year old to know. I let him ask me questions. Maybe I should have waited for hubby, but deep down inside I knew hubby didn't want to say anything, he just wants to make comments that hurt us all because he is hurting.

I will tell Little Miss, but I really don't think she is going to really understand, but Small Son, not only is he older, super smart and super intuitive, he can read me like no other human being can. I know I did the right thing, but once again, I'm sure Hubby will make me out to be the bad guy. The thing is, I no longer give a flying fuck what he tells people. I'm so so glad I didn't tell him anything about coming out, it would be used as ammo for sure.

Have to get ready for work.

Peace,

OC

My Rebel Song

God, where do I start?

Found a house I really like today, that I am pretty sure I can afford. I've been driveling along, feeling sneaky for calling storage places and attorneys. Then tonight, hubby up and pops out he is looking for a new place to live and will move as soon as he finds it. He wants the house empty to sell it. I'm not sure how he is planning on affording it, but more power too him.

I told him tonight, considering that, when we get the money from liquidating our investment account, I wanted to split it up, and close our joint account. He replied, "we'll see". We'll see my ass. He asked me if I was going to hire an attorney, and I told him yes, and asked him the same. He replied, "that depends on how bitchy you get". Touche'.

So, tomorrow, renting said storage locker. Calling the realtor to see what the possibility is of looking at this house I found that I really like, and how hard it is to buy something while in the process of trying to sell, even if I have a large down for it.

Start packing. Therapy tomorrow. I bought 8 totes to put stuff in this weekend, now to fill them.

Talk to kids, I think Small Son is on to us. We need to tell him.

Sooshie has taken up residence on Little Misses' bed. She loves that. He also hangs on Small Son's lap all the time. He cuddles with me. Smart cat knows he's lucked out. Seriously though, I'm so so happy we got him. He is just what we needed.

Maybe I will get out of this yesterday. I'm even tempted to ask my mom for a serious loan to put down on a house if I can do it. I should get a chunk when I sell this house. I know she has money set aside for me, it would really help to get it now, to get me and the kids set up. I have no pride right now.

I talked to a dear dear friend tonight, and am feeling that loving feeling toward him. It's funny how you meet people that will remain in your life forever. I knew when I met him he was one of "my" people, and that was nearly 15 years ago now.

Most of all, I can't believe I'm almost out of this. Geezuz it's been a long haul. It ended up being much easier than I thought it would be really. Tell him, and get out. Who knew?

I am going to resolve to do what I want, when I want from here on out. I'm going to get rid of every bit of clutter in my life that he wouldn't let me get rid of before. I want an open empty home. I have no need for lots of "stuff". This has been going on for so long now, I don't know how to feel about it. I don't know how to go about letting myself feel free.

I've been mentally out of this relationship for so long, I am longing for some cuddles from someone besides my kids. I'm longing to be able to cook food I like and not have someone complain. I am longing to paint a room really red, because it's my favorite color and not have to "ask" someone if they like or don't like it. God, I just can't wait. I'm moving finally. You all said I would, when it was time, and you were right.

I've come out to most of my friends. I probably will to my mom soon. As for work, I probably won't. It will make my life harder than it needs to be, and right now I have no desire to tell hubby at all.

"Everywhere I've been's felt wrong to me. Can I just put my head on your heart, lay down and put my head in the crook of your arm? Everythings OK, I've been found again, been found again."

from Three County Highway, Indigo Girls

Piss Off Hubby!

Funky icky day today so far. I'm snapping at the kids. They are whiny. Hubby has once again proceeded to do what he wants to do. Which so far today is read both his papers and go get a hair cut and tell me he'd be back "later".

I don't want to question too much, since I don't want him questioning me. This being said, this is the exact behavior that is slowly driving me insane. I'm stuck in the farking house with whiny kids from the moment I get up and he just does what he farking wants.

I need days like this really, to push me forward and remind me of what and why I'm doing it. I'm going to go to Wally World today, and buy a few groceries, and a bunch of plastic totes and start packing my stuff at night, loading it in my car and then taking it to storage on my lunches at work.

I don't feel like dealing with him really, and there are certain things I really do want that are mine. Most of the stuff I could give a rip about, but certain stuff, not so much. I also want to start really working on getting this house more decluttered. I called about storage lockers on Friday afternoon, so I'm just going to rent a pretty big one. I can also use it to put stuff in I might buy for the new house, but don't want to bring home here. I'm going to need to buy a new TV, as he has claimed this old one. I am going to buy a Wii, now that I have one, I will not do without it. I use my Wii fit quite a bit, and the kids and I play games on it a lot.

I'm feeling mean today. Mean and nasty. I want to yell and scream "Asssssshoollllle" at him just for being what he is. This is the part of him I just can't stand. Can't stand it. The inconsiderate addict part of him.

Our new kitty is such a joy though. He is super calm for a kitten. He loves Small Son, and is really cuddly. I'm super happy with him, and I think he is just what me and the kids needed.

Is it always like this when you start breaking up? That you can't wait to get out and you want to just do it right now?? If I had the funds, I'd be out of this house yesterday, but I don't. I have to wait until we sell it.

I'm off to take a shower, then go shopping,

Hopefully the rest of the day goes better than this.

Meet Sooshie!

The shelter finally called me yesterday morning and said they had a male kitten who had just been neutered (at 2 lbs) and was ready for adoption. The girl I talked to said he was a tabby (which is exactly what I really wanted) and very friendly. So I had Hubby drop off Small Son after work with me and we went and met him. I fell for him almost instantly and so did Small Son. He looks enough like my old guy, but enough different to not be a duplicate.

(This is Sooshie on my bed last night)

All in all, even considering the imminent break up that's coming, I think it was a good thing to do. Hubby said he brought some "happy" in the house, and I think he's right. We named him Sooshie.

He was abandoned by his mama with his litter mates in a barn outside of town when he was days old, and has been raised in kitty foster care. It's obvious he is well socialized for a little guy. He seems to really love Small Son and is just hanging out on his lap this morning. I think it will be good for Small Son to fall for this kitten, I know I already have. Hubby said he is my cat, so we won't be having any kitty custody issues hopefully, but I do think he'd be willing to care for him if I was gone. He really does like him.

I have been up and down this week. I realized how terrified I really am. Then if I can step back, and hope that things will work out. Hubby took his ring off this week. He seems resigned to it, and is still friendly. We hugged last night for the first time in ages, and I told him I hope he would never hate me and that I really wanted to keep things in a good place for all of us. He agreed, and I believe he meant it.

I'm going to start packing stuff this weekend, and I'm going to rent a storage locker and get as much out as I can so I can de-clutter for selling. We need to get the house painted. So much to do.

I even started looking at modular houses this week online. I want to buy one when we sell this place for me and the kids, and buy a little plot out of town a ways. I think I can afford it, as long as we make a decent profit from this house and don't sit here and use up the last of our resources.

I'll write more later,

Peace,

OC

Midnight Vent

What a day.

I must go back to work tomorrow. After calling in on Thursday and Friday with a headache, I am at the end of my 2nd 4 day weekend in a row. How I would love a few months off to just chill, get my house in order etc...

I think I told you that I finally wrote the big "D" letter to hubby last week.

I've been lying on my bed, feeling torn, and finally I think feeling strong. I feel myself walking toward the light. I think about breaking up my family, and I'm torn, but when I add it up, put checks on the list, and all that jive, it just doesn't make sense to stay.

Hubby has been tip toeing around me again. I know he gets like this when I start really getting angry at him, and angry I am. You know, for the good of my kids, I know I could stay here, if he was doing his part. Really doing his part. But he isn't. Not at all. So that, added to the already precarious feeling of teetering on the edge of sexual clarity, I find myself feeling like I am really about to jump.

Today was Little Misses 4th Birthday party. He pretty much didn't help me at all. Not with the shopping, the wrapping, the getting stuff ready. I made goody bags with Small Son this morning, and Hubby slept in, drank his freaking HOT coffee and then went and bought papers at the store, and proceeded to read them both. I on the other hand, made the goodie bags, got the kids up, fed them breakfast, showered them, dressed them, wrapped Little Misses gifts, and went to Wal Mart to pick up the cake and ice cream. You want to know what he did? Brought Little Miss to her own party, carried the last few things in out of my truck, then went out to his truck to read his book. How's that???

I'm bitching...I know I am. I'm mad tonight. Really fucking mad.

He doesn't want me to sign little miss up for T-Ball either because she is a girl. I told him to fuck off. I really did. I told him I was signing her up for T-Ball and he could just eat it.

Even when I'm in a fairly peaceful place, I'm unhappy. I think what really became clear to me this week, was that me being unhappy is affecting what kind of mother I am. I've noticed that when he is being a grump, I ignore it. The kids ignore it. I know this takes my parenting level down. When I am alone with the kids, I am involved, I am right there with them, I am interacting with them. I need to get away if for that reason only.

Little Miss and Small Son mean the absolute world to me.

This post has turned into a vent, sorry.

I need to go to bed, later gator.

Peace,

OC

It's a Tick's Life!

or death.....

This week, to rival Propane Amy's tick story, I have one of my own.

Somewhere, somehow, Little Miss acquired a new friend. Woody the wood tick. Yes my friends, my little girl found herself a wood tick, or maybe I should say the wood tick found her. On Wednesday, Little Miss started getting a very red rash on her neck. I figured it was a heat rash, or an allergic reaction to something. So, I gave her a dose of benadryl and put cortisone cream on her rash, and did the same in the morning.

She cried "Owie Mommy, Owie" when I brushed her hair, and since I was still thinking she had a heat rash I brushed her hair way up in a pony tail to keep it off her neck, and since she has the tendency to pull out her pony's I put in two pony tail holders. I took the cream to preschool and told them to keep an eye on it.


A few hours later, preschool called me and said the rash had gotten much much worse, and that they had started looking in her hair, and right under that very tight pony I put in it, was a huge embedded wood tick in my baby's head. I kid you not, it was swollen up as big as my pinky nail. I was flying out of my house still on the phone with them, calling the Dr's to have it taken out. When I picked her up, I about hurled from the size of the thing, and looking Little Miss's sweet face. I picked her up and put her in her car seat and got her to the DR. I let her watch Caillou on my iPod, and while the Dr. was pulling this creature out of her head, she barely flinched, until he pulled the scabby thing off where it's head was attached. He wanted to get it bleeding and make sure nothing was left.

He put it in a jar, and said he was going to keep it in case she started getting sicker (i.e. Lyme disease or Rocky Mountain Spotted fever). The thing was crawling around in the jar, still alive. Little Miss looked at it and said, "Bye bye Owie". She was so brave. Braver than me. After that I took her to Dairy Queen and bought her a huge ass dipped cone and took her home. She wouldn't let me wash her hair, she said it hurt too much. So I didn't, until the next day. Suffice it to say she is on a pretty strong course of antibiotics due to the infection that had already been caused by the tick.

The thing ate a hole in my babys head, and I hope it dies a cold death in the fridge at the Dr.'s office.

Lesson learned, always have an iPod with a much loved video on it when a child needs to have a tick removed from her silky curly hair.

I am feeling my juices starting to flow again. I guess that comes with being angry again.

I wrote "the" letter on Thursday. I'm holding it until next week, and trying to decide if I'm going to give it to him. It has the big "D" word in it. Yes, that's right folks, this letter says I want a Divorce. It was hard to write. I'm feeling like me again. Albeit, a me that is so sad, but I needed to take a break I guess to see if I still felt the same way, and I do. I've had a nice few months, but I turned "me" off to do it.

Courage OC, courage....

I bought new clothes.

Clothes that fit my large body well and make me feel good.

I bought a whole slew of new bra's some are even "push-up", so that the girls are back up where they were before I had my kids, and encased in the new bra's even look pretty again.

I just got my hair done for the first time in months, had the color done, I'm blond again. It looks really good if I do say so myself, and I'm letting it grow long again. I'm balancing between looking like a butchy femme.

I need to have sex. I really do, with a live person. Even a quick one night stand would probably be much appreciated. I am finally back at "my" coffee place again.

Peace,

OC

I have a very busy weekend coming up and I'm using this hour or two to just relax and think.

Farm-Town Dreams

I admit it, I'm obsessed with Farm-Town on Facebook. I love making little rows of cyber veggies, and then getting paid with cyber coin to do it. It somehow just suits my slight obsessive compulsive tendencies.

Soooooo.....I bet you are thinking, "What's Up OC?"

So much is up. So much is down.

I HAD to take a break from blogging. I had to go "normal" for awhile. I was just too stressed, in too much pain, and feeling like I had to do something right now. I'm not sure I was even thinking when I stopped writing, I was reacting to myself.

I haven't been to therapy for awhile. I was starting to feel like a naughty child there as well. I love "T", and will definitely go back and see her when I'm ready. Right now I'm not.

Some things I've learned in the last few months of relative quiet on my part.

My head stopped whirling and twirling and I began to think that I could hang like this for awhile. It felt good to just relax with Hubby and the kids. It still does. Then BANG....this weekend all of the sudden I started feeling like I couldn't breath again. Even amidst the relative peace in my house at the moment, the cuddling of my kids, the campfires with the beautiful views of the Montana skyline while roasting marshmallows....smelling wood smoke (which by the way I need to learn to bottle), and over all being in a good mental place.

Bang....it was just a brief respite I guess.

I had two very intense dreams this weekend. Dreams so intense, they took my breath away. They involved a good friend of mine, and I told this person today about one dream, or at least the most intense one.

Dream #1

I was flying to Toronto, then renting a car and driving to New York to see people I knew, I'm assuming people I was friends with. For some reason in my dream, it made sense to fly to Toronto and drive from there.

There was so much going on in this dream, border crossing, seeing my Dad on the streets, and running into this person many many times. I would awake with a longing like I've really never known. A longing to be with this person.

This dream was colorful. It was musical and full of good smells. I was in school again, but I was still married and commuting from Montana, to Toronto, crossing the border and driving to New York. It was just weird weird. I have no idea of the actual distances that I covered in my dream, but suffice it to say, they were great.

Dream #2.

Prefacing the dream, you should know that I don't remember much of it at this point except the feeling of it, the longing of it. It involved this same person.

We have been friends for awhile, and we are very much alike. We talk a lot, and I'm more honest with this person than I've ever been. I'm not afraid of being judged, or laughed at, or anything of the like. To say I have feelings for her is an understatement.

This is what I remember of Dream #2.

Last night, I dreamed that we met somewhere. I don't know where and I'm not sure it matters.

When we finally saw each other in person, I instantly thought to myself, "Oh, there you are, where have you been?". I was instantly enthralled, comforted, turned on, loved and feelings of peace flowed out of me like golden rays of sun. Her smile was as it should be, and I knew, she was "the one", in a deep soul way. I knew this was the continuation of many lifetimes of love.

We held hands, and talked, connected, and walked. I felt so complete. I knew in my dream that I couldn't let her go, and she felt the same. When we kissed, my world spun on its axis. I felt with everything in my being that this was right.

Even though we were both in difficult situations, we elected to run, to bolt, to take our lives and live them for the rest of holding hands, supporting each other, loving each other. We threw everything to the wind and decided that we needed to make a life together. We trusted we could make it work, and that though there would be heartache, it would be worth the heartache in the end. We knew it was right. We knew that our current situations were not good for us, but they were also not good for our partners. We could feel the strength of it, the power of it, of us.

Indigo Girls sing "Power of Two" in Geneva, NY on 9/30/08.




Now the parking lot is empty
Everyone's gone someplace
I pick you up and in the trunk Ive packed
A cooler and a 2-day suitcase
Cause there's a place we like to drive
Way out in the country
Five miles out of the city limit were singing
And your hands upon my knee

So were okay
Were fine
Baby I'm here to stop your crying
Chase all the ghosts from your head
I'm stronger than the monster beneath your bed
Smarter than the tricks played on your heart
Well look at them together then well take them apart
Adding up the total of a love that's true
Multiply life by the power of two

You know the things that I am afraid of
I'm not afraid to tell
And if we ever leave a legacy
Its that we loved each other well
Cause Ive seen the shadows of so many people
Trying on the treasures of youth
But a road that fancy and fast
Ends in a fatal crash
And I'm glad we got off
To tell you the truth

Cause were okay
Were fine
Baby I'm here to stop your crying
Chase all the ghosts from your head
I'm stronger than the monster beneath your bed
Smarter than the tricks played on your heart
Well look at them together then well take them apart
Adding up the total of a love thats true
Multiply life by the power of two

All the shiny little trinkets of temptation
(make new friends)
Something new instead of something old
(but keep the old)
All you gotta do is scratch beneath the surface
(but remember what is gold)
And its fools gold
(what is gold)
Fools gold
(what is gold)
Fools gold

Now were talking about a difficult thing
And your eyes are getting wet
I took us for better and I took us for worse
Don't you ever forget it
Now the steel bars between me and a promise
Suddenly bend with ease
The closer I'm bound in love to you
The closer I am to free

So were okay
Were fine
Baby I'm here to stop your crying
Chase all the ghosts from your head
Im stronger than the monster beneath your bed
Smarter than the tricks played on your heart
Well look at them together then well take them apart
Adding up the total of a love that's true
Multiply life by the power of two

I awoke this morning with a pit in my stomach the size of the Grand Canyon. I knew I had to tell her of my dream. I did tell her today. Being the absolute amazing woman she is, she just said, "thank you for telling me", in that way she has. I know you are reading this, and I needed to let you know again, how intense this was for me.

So dear readers, there you have it. My emotions on a plate, for all six of you to see.

Courage is so hard to find. I must find it. I must stay true to course, and know that although I am still in this most difficult situation, I am every day finding my way closer and closer to flying free.

Maybe then, I will have one of the beautiful flying dreams I had as a child....

Too Many Yesterdays...

Tonight, I have cramps....you know the kind of period cramps that leave you withering around on the bed, wishing you could have a hysterectomy sometime in the next five minutes?

Well, I finally broke down tonight and took two Vicodins and it has taken the edge off, but you would think, since I haven't had one of those bad boys for months, it would have knocked me on my ass, but NOooooo....I'm wide awake.

I don't want to take my normal sleep pill because of the Vicodin, and I don't want to take more Vicodin, so I may just ride it out tonight, and listen to music and write. Oh well, it is Friday night, not a bad night for a night owl like me to be wide awake. Small son's soccer game isn't until 10:00 AM, so I don't even have to get up very early in the morning.

I had THE most exciting thing happen tonight. I found the entire first season of "Cagney and Lacey" on iTunes....and yes, I bought the whole season. I was addicted to that show back in the day, and I realize now, it was because I had a huge huge crush on Sharon Gless. So later tonight, I'm going to curl up with my iPod and watch one. I have come to love watching shows on my iPod, it's so quiet I don't wake anyone up, and it just suits me for some reason.

I also got most of the kids summer clothes ordered tonight, killer sales, which always makes me happy. My mom has figured out that Little Miss loves ( and I mean LOVES) Hannah Andersson dresses. She has gone overboard this summer buying play dresses for her, which I'm excited about. I love seeing Little Miss happy over her clothes..and I can't afford H. A. unless it's a very very good sale. They are very high end clothes, totally worth the money, if you have the money. Anyway, Little Miss will have about 5 dresses and short sets from H. A. this summer, not to mention the stuff I ordered her from The Childrens Place.

I love dressing my kids nice, but it's a struggle to get them nice clothes that don't cost me a fortune. I wait for sales, then buy them up. I buy stuff on Ebay, and my favorite is The Coupon Cabin. It's a site you can run the online store that you are about to purchase from, and if there are any webcodes/promotions it will pop them up. Tonight I saved nearly $50.00 on top of the already discounted sale prices from using this alone. I'm cheap. I really am cheap, but I like nice things...this is one of my ways of getting them. I just need to get the kids each a pair of KEENS for the summer, and Small Son a few pair of shorts and I'll be all set.

Enough about my shopping tonight. Although I have to admit, I'm so stoked about getting such good deals. It almost gives me a high.

My mom sent me such a nice card in the mail today for Mothers Day. It was hand written telling me how proud of me she is for being such a good mom to my kids. It's amazing to hear this from the woman who has done nothing for my entire life besides tell me what a shit I am. I think her grand kids are softening her. I'm much more of a mama bear than she ever was, maybe she senses that.

Home has just been peaceful lately. I feel more peaceful than I have in a long time. I don't feel so out of whack. I think taking a vacation from the entire "coming out" journey I've been on for the last two years has been good for me. I'm looking forward to going camping and taking the kids riding on the quads this summer. I have ordered seats for the back of each quad, I've bought them both full face helmets and goggles and I'm planning on exploring a few very cool places this summer. One place is this ghost town I've found that is not too far from my home. It's called "Garnet" and it looks fun. There are evidently miles and miles of easy trails around the mountains leading up to it.

I just want to get out and explore and be in nature, and camp and smell bacon cooking in the morning while looking at views of the forest. I decided that I could vacation at home. Heck, people come from all over the world to vacation in Montana...why do I have to leave and spend a ton of money this year?

I'm also contemplating driving down to Boise to see the Indigo Girls in concert in July. Hubby wasn't too hip on the idea, because I made it clear I wanted to go alone, but we will see. I haven't decided if I want to do a trip that long and by myself to see them. It's not really fitting in with my summer of low cost activities. On the other hand, I know it would renew me in a way that not much else will. It's something to ponder anyway.

I've been so excited watching the news lately. Each thing President Obama does, brings me this much closer to feeling real relief. He's not going to do it perfect, but he's pointed the ship in the direction I want to go. I sit back, and don't know whether to laugh or cry over what is going on with the Republican Party. They are so upset over "losing control", but they are doing nothing to help. It scares me that they are falling apart, as much as I dislike their ideals. Our country very much needs to be a two party system for real democracy to happen. It's like watching spoiled children have a tantrum because they are not getting their way. How do they think the rest of us have felt for the last 8 plus years?

I feel like we have a grown up running the country now. A grown up who is super smart, and whose heart is in the right place. He is not going to undo this mess we are in quickly, but I feel so deep in my gut, he is the right man to guide us on the path to real recovery. You don't have to agree with me, I don't really care if you do, but it's how I feel.

When I read yesterday that his budget eliminates funding for abstinence only programs and proposes funding for evidence based programs, I almost came out of my chair. He is working for a strong pro-choice country, and to me that is so huge. That is my biggest personal issue, and I am thrilled he has put us on the path again. I was really afraid Bush and Company was going to succeed in getting Roe v. Wade overturned.

I watched on Rachel Maddow last night that he has a strong concern to repeal "Don't Ask Don't Tell", although he says it could "take a while". This is thrilling. We are finally coming out of the dark and into the light. I didn't realize how much this has gotten me down over the years, until the weight has started to come off. I'm not super pleased with his stance on the torture memo's, but I'm going to wait and see what he does before I make up my mind. He tends to think things out, which for me is huge. I feel like it's November again and I'm on my soap box, but this is so huge, and takes up so much room in my head, sometimes I have to let it out.

One more thing. I found the coolest podcast. It's being done by a woman named Sammie. It's called "Late in Life Lesbian" and she has just started this, I think she is only 5 or 6 episodes in, but I wanted to link to her, since I think a lot of you would be very interested in what she has to say. She is located on www.ploney.com. Take a listen and I think you will enjoy it. You can also find her on iTunes.

I've become addicted to podcasts, I think because they are free, and I can listen to such a variety of stuff. Today I spent the day at work listening to a public radio show from LA that was 2 solid hours of reggae music, which I happen to love.

Just to reassure everyone OC is doing fine, I'm just on a mental hiatus and busily looking for a kitten.

Someone send me some good meme's or awards I can spread around, or some blogging ideas while I'm in this relative blogging break/block...

Peace,

OC

I Wanna Lay My Head Down On You, Because You Are The Only Solid Thing In This Room.....

I'm lonesome tonight.

I feel summer creeping in. I'm sure this is what is making me feel so lonesome. After this long, hard cold winter, it's like baby steps toward summer. I want it to come, but I'm afraid to say anything out loud for fear of jinxing the weather.

So here I sit, at 1:19AM on my rumpled bed with the high thread count sheets and cozy down comforter, listening to "Three County Highway" playing and endless loop from my iPod.

If it were warmer, and not a Sunday night, I'd go start a campfire in my yard, pop open one of the cold Sierra Nevada's in my garage fridge, and just hang out.

I'm working so hard to not take time off of work right now. I want to have a break this summer, even if only for a few days. Right now, "hubby" and I are planning an ATV trip through the back roads of Montana with the kids, to explore some old ghost towns and such. That sounds so good to me. Just to be out in nature, riding, seeing stuff that I haven't seen.

I elected to vacation as a tourist in Montana this year, to cut the cost down. KOA's in bumfuck nowhere still have WiFi and are so cheap it's shameless. My kids won't know the difference between that and a long trip to some far off local. So, we are going to be tourists in our own home this year. Cheap, weekend fodder I can do while still saving up my precious time off for a real vacation that will sustain me.

I am two sides of the same record.

Side A: Run....bolt...pack up your kids and get the hell out of dodge and live a life that you want. A life free of feeling like crap for feeling trapped and bolted to the floor.

Side B: Stay put because things are not terrible, and live my life like a straight wife, a straight wife who is lying to herself. A straight wife who refuses to have sex with her husband. A straight wife whose skin crawls at the thought of being intimate with her husband or any man for that matter.

It doesn't seem like such a hard choice. So why is it? It's hard because hubby has been so much better lately. He is trying so hard. But, we know the truth.....OC is queer. It's never going to work no matter how much I fake it. I'm locked in by my own fear. I'm held down by my own cowardice.

I know, when I can't stand it, I'll jump off this cliff. It's too bad there is no guarantee that I will be OK, that my kids will be OK and even that hubby will be OK when I finally do jump. I stopped therapy for awhile. I needed a break, just like I needed a break from the constant pain. Is it OK to take a break, rest, relax and gather myself this far into it? I need to know...but no one can tell me this, I know.

Oh well, sleep is calling,

Peace,

OC

Four Fifty

Post #450, how on earth is that possible? I haven't done a milestone post in a long time, and really this is more about me wondering how I've kept Bearsmountain up and running for so long.

I think winter is getting to me and making me say things I'm not sure I mean. This weekend, I heard things coming out of my mouth, and even as I was saying them, I thought, "uh oh".

We (or I should say I) started talking about getting the quads out, taking the kids with us riding this year, going camping up by the lake and me learning how to pull the trailer with the quads so that we could take them camping. What on earth am I doing?

I was thinking about this a lot last night. I just want to get outside, that it doesn't seem so bad to make plans with hubby to do this. This is something we do together, and he is the only person I do it with. Then my rational brain kicks in and says "idiot"....what the fuck are you doing????

It's something for me to to think about. I keep wondering why he doesn't put his foot down a bit. I mean I know, but I don't like it. He is willing to do anything it takes to fix this, but the thing is, first off, he is not doing the one thing that might actually make a difference to me, and the second thing is, I just want out. I find myself grieving this though, even as I want it. I find myself reveling in the last vestiges of what I know this family is going to be. Maybe he is doing the same, I don't know.

I'm on week two of cutting both wheat and dairy out of my diet. Last night I was having some seriously bad cravings, partly because I was hungry, and partly because I was having cheese and bread cravings. I stayed with it though, and had rice cereal with almond milk. I'm finding it a bit hard to not be hungry a lot with this, I need to work on more protein I think. I've been downing hummus like it's going out of style, and that is probably because it's made from beans. I think I will go get a salad for lunch today with lots of tofu and have a heavy protein laden dinner tonight and see if that doesn't help.

The reason I'm cutting this out of my diet is because I want to see if it helps with the arthritis in my knees. I did some reading on an anti-inflamatory diet and the benefits of it with arthritis. We'll see soon enough I guess.

Have to get ready for work,

Peace,

OC

Coal to Diamonds

What a great title....

I just found this song trolling through Youtube...it's amazing.

Take a listen....



I've been having such a hard time lately, I don't even know how to put it into words really.

On the surface, everything seems better, more united at home. The thing is, it's not. It's a fucking farce and I'm doing much better at hiding it again. Mostly because it felt good to feel slightly normal again, if just for a bit.

I've been playing way too much Guitar Hero, I'm sort of semi-addicted to that game. It takes my mind off of my life. Hubby and I play it together and don't talk at night. If I thought in the slightest that this marriage could be saved, I'd have to give that stupid Wii credit. It really is a great little piece of fun.

Back to me though. I'm sure you didn't come here to read about my new found addiction to G.H. I missed therapy last week, I had switched days and missed it. I was almost glad. I feel like a naughty child that hasn't done her job, and part of me doesn't want to go at all, but I'm forcing myself too. "T" says I'm really good at making things hard. I suspect she is right on. I feel convoluted, and mixed up. For nearly two years, I have been going through this. Now that I'm near the end, I feel like I'm back sliding, losing my courage. I need to get mad again, not complacent.

On a happier note, Small Son turns six this week and we had his party on Sunday, it was fab!!! He loved it and we all had a blast.

I'm seriously thinking of going on an anti inflammatory diet of sorts. I don't know if I can give up all I think I need to, but I can try to moderate it more and give up some stuff. I know coffee won't be on the list, even though it is on the list. I feel like I need to get more in tune with my body, and I can't face another "diet" that won't work. I'm no good at diets....but I do know I don't want my body to fall apart. So I'm starting next week, I'm going to work on giving up dairy and possibly wheat and see where that gets me. My joints will thank me if I can do it.

I downloaded Poseidon and the Bitter Bug tonight, so I'm going to fall asleep listening to Amy croon to me. I've been waiting for this for months.

Peace,

OC

The Cleavers

Sunday again.

I feel like we never had "The Talk". All the sudden hubby has turned into 'super hubby', much to my chagrin. He wanted to go do a family thing today, I sort of knocked that down. How many times do I have to say it to him I'm wondering? This is sort of like the famous quote, "how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?"

I'm regrouping today. I feel like a grunge, didn't take a shower yesterday, let the kids run around in jammies all day, fed them snacks for dinner. Not good OC. Shower today, shopping today, dinner today. I have to be put back together by tomorrow since I need to go back to work.

I guess I'm just going to have to keep smashing this in his head. I know he wasn't happy to hear what I said yesterday either, it was like he was having the 'perfect' family day, and I was in the crapper, couldn't get out of bed, slept all day, etc...

I've even found myself really questioning what I want and what I'm doing. It has shaken me up that much. Like, maybe I am doing the wrong thing?

I know I'm not, but it has taken an awful lot of soul searching this weekend to feel slightly back on track. I wasn't expecting him to turn us into the Cleavers after our talk. I really wasn't.

What would cause him to do this? Is it his own denial?

I have found myself not wanting to blog, not wanting to talk to people, etc..because I feel like I've been slipping into an abyss. I'm climbing out today.

I need to get my iPod out and really work on feeling like me today. I need some good soul music, and I downloaded U2's greatest hits, that should pull me out of the hole I'm in.

Peace,

OC

Fun & Games on Bearsmountain!

I found this post on "I Know Right"? I've done it before, but since I'm sort of trying to find some blog fodder that is not totally depressing, thought I'd play again.

Here is what you do if you want to play, put your iPod on "shuffle" and answer the following questions with whatever song comes on next. NO CHEATING, NO FORWARD SHUFFLE..ETC…

Post the song even if it makes no sense whatsoever.

Here I go…

What is your life's purpose?
Making Love Out of Nothing At All (Air Supply)

What is your motto?
Faithfully (Journey)

What do your friends think of you?
Don't Look Back (Antigone Rising)

What do you think about very often?
Georgia On My Mind (Van Morrison)

What do you think of the person you love?
Eye Of The Needle (Brandi Carlile)

What is your life story?
Shadow On The Wall (Brandi Carlile)

What do you want to be when you grow up?
Last Tears (Indigo Girls)

What do your parents think of you?)
He Gave Me You, (Sierra)

What will you dance to at your wedding?
Believe (Brooks & Dunn)

What will they play at your funeral?
Free In You (Indigo Girls)

What is your hobby/interest?
The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year (Brian McKnight)

What's your biggest secret?
Prayin' For Rain (Ruthie Foster)

What's the worst thing that could happen?
Disneyland (Five For Fighting)

How will you die?
Lessons Learned (Carrie Underwood)

What's the one thing you regret?
Mystery (Indigo Girls)

What makes you laugh?
Amazing Grace (Aretha Franklin)

What makes you cry?
Silent Night (Sarah Brightman)

What scares you the most?
Little Red Caboose/Workin' On The Railroad (Anna Stange)

Does anyone love you?
Paint The Sky With Stars (Enya)

If you could go back in time what would you change?
Last Dance (Donna Summer)

What hurts right now?
Stand Back (Stevie Nicks)

What will you post this as?
Love Hurts (Nazareth)

The Closet Inside of Me

I'm close, so close...

Courage, I keep telling myself courage OC....courage.....you are looking through the transparent membrane separating you from yourself.

Second Time Around

"Here's what I find about compromise,
Don't do it if it hurts inside,
'Cause either way you're screwed
Eventually you'll find,
That you may as well feel good,
You may as well have some pride."

I'm stuck on this song. I can't get it out of my head. It is speaking to me so strongly right now. I need out of this. I spent the night tonight in therapy trying to work out how to tell him. How to tell him everything that is weighing in on my soul. How to tell him I want out, but it's not his fault. How to tell him, that even though it's not his fault, there are issues so big between us, that he has to fix them.

How to be kind and compassionate to both myself and him. How to tell him I still want him in my life, I still want to be family, but I don't want to be married. I want to move. I want to have my own house. I want to be free to fall in love. I want him to fall in love. I want...I want....the thing is, I have no control right now, not really. And what control I do have, is a complete illusion.

So there you go. I've sort of gone into blank mode this week. I think it hit me my internal check list is done. It's all done. Nothing stopping me now, except my own fear. But what am I afraid of? I talked at length today in therapy about this. I really am afraid he is going to be mad at me. In fact, I know he is. That will make it totally uncomfortable and icky. I don't know how to actually "tell" him. I've gone from letter and running away for the weekend, to telling him in person. But how????

I feel so isolated. "T" said there is a lot of support out there for me, I have to go get it. I know where, I just have to get there. I need some friends to help me through this on a daily basis. I need to know there are people in my local life who give a damn.

I've told another good friend of mine this week. That leaves almost nobody, save my mom, hubby, and a good friend here, whom I'm not really sure I'm going to tell at all.

I'm not sure I'm going to tell hubby all. I will have to see how he takes it. How I take it. This has taken nearly 2 years of processing to get to where I am now.

I talked to "her" quite a bit this last month. "She" has finally admitted she is either a lesbian, or bi-leaning lesbian. I'm not sure that she knows. But she is pretty much "out" in her community. How is that possible? I'm struggling. I am in agony, and she just "comes out". She is much more "out there" than I am though, not to mention single and no kids, and unencumbered. It makes it easier I'm sure, but I can't help not being horribly jealous that she just "came out", and I'm still stuck here in funk land, listening to IG music to keep me from dying inside, and planning my escape.

I think the scariest thing out there for me right now, is that it's time. I haven't been "putting it off" until now. I have been preparing. Now, if I wait and wait, I will be in essence "putting it off". Please somebody tell me I will survive this . "T" keeps telling me that all will be better when it is all "out". I believe her. I just have to get from Closet to "Out", somehow. I know my struggles are no harder than anyone else's, but they feel harder to me.

I was talking tonight about how hard it must be to come from some back water little town, and be gay, and "T" said sometimes it's easier, because anger is a great motivator. That is true. I have noticed that since I have not been as angry with hubby, it's been much harder mentally.

I keep trying to soak up the "family life" even though it is screwed up. This will be the last time I'm part of this type of family. I'm trying to get my head around being a single parent of two high needs young children. Trying to get my head around the fact that I suck at homework. That hubby does much better at homework than I do. I can barely get lunches together for my kids before school.

I'm a fuck up in the mornings. I need MY coffee almost before I get anything for the kids. I keep telling myself that part of the hardness of this all is that I am so unhappy. I am battling depression like I never have. I'm sure this comes from many area's. It comes from being gay in a straight marriage. It comes from having a fucking hard stressful loss filled 5 years behind me. It comes from knowing I'm about to hurt somebody I love dearly. It comes from knowing I'm going to be breaking up my kids nuclear family. I've never had more than seasonal disorders before, now I battle full blown depression.

It's a good thing I'm a stubborn Old Crone. I refuse to sink into it. It's a choice. Even when it's chemical I think, it's a choice. It's a choice to medicate and live, or not medicate and fall down. I'm strong. I admit I can't handle this by myself. I need help. Thank the goddess for a wonderful intuitive female doctor who believes in me, and a wonderful therapist who has walked my walk and really understands it.

It takes knowing I have addictive tendencies and fighting the urge to have a drink. Although tonight I did give in and have one, and it felt good. But I'm so super hyper aware, I allow myself very little "escapist" vices. I need to feel this. I need to be clear headed. But sometimes, coffee just doesn't do it. I have no worries about it really. I've been able to control it my entire life. I once in awhile let myself have a drink to relax. I don't make a habit of it and I cop to it when I do it. My drinks also are pretty light, compared to what I get when I go out, or what my friends drink. It's all my years of al-anon that come rushing back to me. I know I'm not an addict, BUT...and this is a big BUT, it could go there in a nano second. So once in awhile, I indulge, most of the time, I just write.

I think about what I want my life to be. About what I've always wanted it to be. Happy. With kids. I can have that. I can teach my kids tolerance. I can teach them so much. I can teach them compassion. I can teach them about being true to themselves. I also think that I need to make a life here, in Montana. So that they can be close to their dad. Who other than having a few problems of his own, is really a wonderful dad who loves them beyond measure.

After working this out in my head, I've realized that if he and I can come to some sort of agreement about the addiction stuff, then this could work. I can assure him I do not want to take his kids away from him. That I feel so strongly they need him in their life, just as they need me.

I can assure him that as long as he really abides by the rules I lay out, I won't bug him. I've been thinking about all the stuff I've said over the last two years of blogging about his addicitons. They do compromise his life. They do. But not to the extent that it prevents him from functioning. He is never out of control. He is never where I don't want him around the kids. He is kind to the kids, and for the most part, he is kind to me. He has been kinder of late even, I'm sure physically picking up on the fact I'm about to shake his world upside down for awhile.

My great hope of hopes, is that once he is done being angry with me, (I know he will be) that he and I can mend fences, become friends, and parent our children together in a way that works for both of us. He is the type of father, for the most part, that I have wanted for my kids. He is kind to them, and he loves them, and he is affectionate, and takes care of them. I have come to realize a lot of what I have said, has been my anger at him. My anger at myself for putting us in this situation. I have to forgive myself for this. I didn't know, didn't realize that this was going to happen. I have to somehow hope, that the person I married, is the person I married. The person that does not bail in the face of extreme stress. The person who might get angry, but won't be violent or yell, but who will soak it in, and then deal with it. I think by pushing him in this way, it might actually bring out the strong side of him.

I know I have been confusing my anger at him, with my anger at myself. I do have very good reasons to be angry. That has to be said. But that being said, there are no life and death reasons to be angry. I married a calm, non-violent man who is super open minded, non homophobic, and pretty much reasonable most of the time.

I can't expect him to be happy with what I have to say. But I can expect him to take his time to deal, then to come back and be the guy I really like and love. I want him in my life forever. He is forever ingrained in my life by my kids. I wouldn't trade him in for some other man in a million years, faults aside. I've been doing so much thinking and pondering on this. I chose him as the father of my children for a reason. He has his issues, but he has his wonderful, kind compassionate side too. The biggest thing I can say about him, is that he absolutely adores his kids, and loves them beyond reason. He never bails on them, and he is always there for them. He is kind to them, sometimes with some coaching from me, but he is. He never says mean degrading things to them, he just loses his temper sometimes, but so do i.

I sound like I am justifying this to you, my readers. I am not. I am working this out in my head. Trying to get ready for the task ahead.

One thing I've been grieving terribly, is the fact that he and I probably won't go out 4-wheeling like we always have. I love riding my 4-Wheeler. I adore it. I need it. There is nothing better than getting out in the woods, going and riding and seeing nature. It's my favorite thing, and we have a rhythm. A routine. I bought the kids helmets this year so they could start going with us. My hope of hopes is that we can still do this stuff together as a family. That we can separate, have our own lives, but also come together and be a family and parent our kids together. It probably won't happen, but that is my hope, my dream.

I only have so many years in this life, it's becoming so clear to me as I get older that I won't be unhappy. Even if I'm alone and true to myself, then I'm better off. Not living a lie will be freeing. I hope I find that woman to love, the one that will love my soul, and not care about my fat legs, and be happy I can cook her a fab meal and spoil her rotten. If that doesn't happen, then I grow into my Old Crone moniker, and get back into hat was important to me in my previous life, pottery, nature, ocean, writing poetry, listening to music that stirs my soul.

From my blog, I've met some wonderful women. My blog readers I think know me better than anyone, save Sta...No one will ever know me better than Sta.

Having her back in my life, feels complete. It was the worst feeling to not have her in my life. I can't wait for the day, we get our kids together at the beach, and have a vacation. A vacation at the hostel in Point Reyes, doing things we've done our whole lives, that our kids have not. Our kids should be siblings. They need to know each other, in more than a passing relationship. I have hopes that they will form a family relationship.

She is the person I trust most in this world. I know you are reading this dearest Sta...and I thank you for the Santa Cruz beach pictures, and for knowing what I need, and for being my friend and family for so goddamn long I can't remember what it was like before. For being my chosen family. For forgiving me for being an ass of the worst sort. For finding me in this life, and choosing me. I love you so much.

The world righted itself when we fixed it. I hope you know that. Like I said in that long ago email, we were supposed to be old ladies, rocking on a porch together, growing old together. We are doing just that. You are my touchstone. You are the person who knows me with no explanations needed. I'm crying writing this because I hope that you just know what I mean. I know you do. I sense that, just like you sensed that I NEEDED SC pictures. Someday I will go back to my beloved coastal home. Just not yet. It never feels far off. It never feels away . I've spent too many years, too many hours driving that coastline with you. Coffee in hand, and wonderful conversations by me and zoning by you. Don't you miss that. The constant Gemini/Cancer Jabbering vs. the quite Aries contemplating?

OK, I've written a book tonight, much of which only one person in this world will understand. Oh well.

I'm working my way to the finish line. For those of you that have been reading me for so long now, you know which finish line I'm speaking of.

Eternal love and hope,

Peace,

OC

Second Time Around (I'm In Love With This Song

God, I can't wait for this to come out. March 24th, be there, or be square!!!!

Have a burrito!!!



I can't quit playing this on my iPod.

I've been thinking how much I love the fact that Amy and Emily really do feel good about people sharing their music. I know myself, I've always love loved the live tracks as opposed to the studio tracks. There is something about watching a live recording that just makes me feel it more. It's the inflection of the crowd, the cheering, the sly smiles. I don't know, it just gets to me. It doesn't make me not want to buy, it makes me want to buy more music.

I'm so into my music right now. I got to work today, and thought I had forgot my new iPod. I swear I do love my red nano, but this new one. The huge one, with everything on it, has become a life line. I almost went into a panic. I started laughing at myself that I was soooo upset about forgetting my iPod. Then I found it in my purse, and couldn't believe I had missed it, but seriously folks, I love that stupid little piece of machinery. I love this one the best, I have 4 ipods, different generations, and my new king sized classic is my favorite. I can put movies on it, songs, video's off of Youtube. I listen to it all the time. I crack myself up at the importance of it in my life. Today I realized that I would go buy a new one in a heart beat if something happened to it. It is that important to me right now. It is the keeper of my soul you could say. You could probably tell a lot about me by inspecting my iPod and seeing the music that is on it.

I wonder, does anyone else feel this way about their iPod/MP3 player. I know there are other ones, but I will only have an iPod.

I'm babbling. I'm in Gemini mode as my friend would say. I've spent the night cleaning my house, getting ready for hubby's birthday brunch tomorrow morning. I'm feeling so conflicted about the whole thing.

I really do love him so much. At the same time, there is such a huge part of me that is missing. I want him in my life, I want to be married, and I don't want to be married. I don't know how to reconcile these two things. It makes me so sad. It feels like there is no right choice. I look at my kids, and wonder if I can just hang on? I know one thing. I AM a lesbian. I know this in my soul. I see it out of my eyes. I breathe it in.

I finally feel my reality. There is no going back for me now. I sometimes wonder how I missed it for as long as I did, and then the answer comes to me, that I wasn't ready for whatever reason. I suspect I needed to have my kids. I needed hubby's help through it, and I needed his help losing my dad.

I wonder what he needs? "T" asked me last week, do you think he will be devastated about this breakup, I answered honestly, I don't know. He deserves to have someone love him like he needs to be loved. I'll never be that person. I can be his friend, his family, but not his lover.

Finding the strength to talk to him would be so much easier if I didn't like him, if I didn't love him. If I were mad all the time. I'm trying. I feel myself inching closer all the time. I feel myself wanting to take his hand after the kids go to sleep, and walk him downstairs and say, "I'm so so sorry, but I can't do this anymore". I'm afraid of his reaction. I know he will be hurt. I also suspect he already knows it's coming. How can we live such separate lives, and not know something is really wrong.

Every time I make a journey to Walmart, I see family's shopping together, but that is never me. We never ride in the same car. We never go anyplace together. I go by myself, or he goes by himself. We do fun things, like camping and quad riding, but other than that, we don't do much. We parent together. We can still parent together even if we aren't together anymore.

I know he has been trying so hard, I'm sure picking up on me, and my feelings. He's not stupid, and I know if he can get past the addictive stuff, he is pretty intuitive. He doesn't want to know, but he does. He is reacting by being really good to me, which makes me wanting to get out of Dodge much more difficult.

I am so trying to have faith that it will work out in the end. That I can do this, that I can get past this, that he and I can be good friends and co-parents. I wouldn't choose someone else for my kids father, even with the addict stuff, he is a good guy and adores the kids. I know he loves me, but can he forgive me??

Damn, this is so hard. I feel like if I say one thing I HAVE to do it. How do I get out of this place?

This says it all for me tonight...lyrics from the above song.

The third times a charm
And this is mine
You said you heard Loretta sing
And you felt the loneliness seeping in
The cowboys made you uneasy
You’re a god-fearing lesbian
So you learned not to yearn
And you take it on the chin again
Here’s what I’ve found about compromise
Don’t do it if it hurts inside
Cuz either way you’re screwed
Eventually you’ll find
That you may as well feel good
You may as well have some pride..

Gotta love them....

Forgive my messiness. I wish I could be the end all, be all, but I'm a mess and I can't be anything but myself lately.

I'm still amazed that anyone even wants to read my painful blubberings.....I know there are women out there, like me, stuck in between the proverbial rock and a hard place. I also know there are women out there like me, who have gotten out of that place. Courage OC...Courage....peace and love is all you really want.

I love my friends, and thank you so much for taking the time to read this.

Oh, and tomorrow, I join the Wii generation!

Peace,

OC

I saw this chica last night at Walmart, I swear she looked like the girls I went Jr. High with. She had "Angel Wings" in her long brown hair. Not the new version, but the old version. She was also about 100 lbs, and had on the required skin tight jeans...she was probably my age.

How weird, that she is still wearing the same hair style she was then. You know she has to be, people don't go back to that, you know? She is one of the women that has never changed her hair. Then I got in line behind another 40-something woman with "wings", these weren't quite as good, but "wings" none the less. I want to know, how they don't know that this doesn't work? Maybe it works for them, who am I to judge. Maybe they are happy with themselves, with their hair and 70's clothes.

I ran away from home again today, just for a little bit. I went and got my hair cut, and think I can sneak in an hour or two of "me" time, it's all I will have this weekend for sure.

We are putting Little Misses "big-girl bed" together today, and I need to really get the house clean because of hubby's surprise BD party next week. I need to be able to wipe with Clorox wipes and get stuff clean on the fly next weekend. I don't know why I'm so committed to this. We are doing a "brunch" thing, so his friends that work the swing shift can come.

I'm feeling much more peaceful at home. I'm not sure why. I think I finally gave myself time to slow down and really process. When I started therapy, I was feeling under the gun to "get out" right now. I still want out, but don't feel the pressure quite as strongly.

I have been taking care of myself a bit better, insisting on "me" time, and not feeling guilty about it. Letting him take up some slack with the kids, trying to find out what I want.

I suspect he knows what is up, I really do. I can't figure out if he is being nice because he is afraid of me leaving, or if he is being nice because he is resigning himself to this.

I keep remembering, that except for his crap, I really do like hubby. I would have never married a jerk, or a homophobe, or anything like that. I almost told him the other night. "T" says it will probably be a "relief" to him, because it will get him "off the hook". Like, look, she did not leave because of me, she left because she is queer. I don't know.

She has assured me, that the laws in MT will not prevent me from my children. So he and I do need to have the "talk" or the letter or whatever soon, but I think it will go much better if I'm not in such a bad place emotionally.

I'm Yin and I'm Yang. I go up and down. At least this week, I've had a break from the damned pain and emotional torture of the last few weeks.

Peace,

OC

Sunday Coffee

I escaped today, again! To the coffee house I found last weekend.

So here I sit on one of these same old couches again, looking out at the traffic and realizing this place makes me feel more like "me" than anyplace I've been in a very long time. I could just hang here for a long time, and probably would if I could get out more.

Feel like I swallowed a toad this weekend. I feel better for sure than I did last week. I have been thinking about just how bad I was feeling last week, and if that's not bottom, I really don't want to get there very bad.

I did sort of lose it with Small Son yesterday. He stayed in his room, I was going to make him eat dinner in his room, but I lost that battle because hubby didn't want to make him. He also went up last night and helped him clean his room. In the end, I was relieved and mad. Mad because after all that time with me spent trying to make a point, hubby ended up cleaning his room after all. I did sit small son down and tell him though, that his destruction of my house was going to end or he would be spending every day in his room. I think he understood, I hope so, because he really is a great kid.

I spent a great deal of time cleaning my own room yesterday, vacuuming the heater vents, the baseboard, under the bed, Oiling all the wood on the furniture, and trying to get some of the clutter and ickiness out of there that has made it nearly crippling for me. I think I pretty much succeeded, as I slept really well last night. I did wake up in the middle of the night without being able to go back to sleep, so I watched Mama Mia on my new iPod and then finally went back to sleep.

Some older guy just started playing really pretty acoustic guitar, and it is just so pleasant in here. The energy is good. Lots of older people.

OK, enough of that.

I can't seem to get enough of ARay singing Romeo and Juliet. There is this one particular version on YouTube, that I was able to import into my iPod via "Videobox". I love that program by the way, it lets you convert Youtube video's into iTunes. Back to ARay, something about her singing in this version, it just rips at me. It's not a very good video even. There is someone standing in the way, and people laughing in the background, but when she says "Ah Juliet, when we made love, you used to cry"....OMG.....I get a pit in my stomach.

What can I say? Sometimes her voice just makes me go weak in the knee's, tummy and brain. Take a listen for yourself.

Less Than Zero

I couldn't sleep last night. Well, I guess that's wrong, I did sleep, I just didn't sleep very well.

Therapy last night. Hard Hard Hard…

I told her how I was feeling guilty because this week he was being very nice, and considerate, more like the "old" hubby. I told her this makes it even harder for me. It's easier when he is being an arse.

She said it was good that he was being better, but she suspected that he was really feeling it, and was doing this for a reason. Good or bad, I know this is probably true. I'm resolved, but this is so hard. This has nothing to do with my being gay, this has to do with my family breaking up.

I feel horribly guilty. I am desperately unhappy all the time.

I was reassured by her though. She told me some things that did relieve my mind. I think she can see clearly where I cannot. She said she suspected the one thing I was going to need a ton of help with was the guilt I'm feeling. I couldn't agree more.

I just really like this woman. When I was crying about how I didn't see how I could have missed this huge part of me until I was 43, she told me she didn't figure it out until she was 53. That was such a major relief to me. She understands. She is a professional for sure, but at the same time, she is human and really understands what I'm going through. I need that.

I told her how I was homesick for CA. I told her how I hashed things out with "her" the other night and felt such relief. She said it was because I was able to be really honest. I told her how I walk around feeling like I fake, like I'm hiding, and she said, that's because you ARE right now. You are hiding everything. She told me once it's all out, I will feel better. That it will be hard, but inside I will feel better. I suspect she is right.

I'm tired of feeling like I'm walking on eggshells with everything. Like I can't have a really honest conversation with anyone. I need some SF energy. I wish I had enough time to take a week from work and just go home and hang out with "my" real friends. The ones that know me and that I have no issues with them knowing everything about me.

I think back to a year ago, when I was blogging so much about keeping it together, and being able to live with this. Who was I trying to fool? I know I was not fooling my readers, I was fooling myself. So many of you have walked the same road I'm walking right now, kids included.

Surprisingly, I never expected the inner pain and turmoil that is mine right now. The pit that has taken up constant residency in my stomach.

The utter sadness I feel all of the time.

Because the fairy tale is not working and never will.

Peace,

OC

Breaking Apart Inside

It looks so cold and winter-like out side right now. It's greys and blues and cloud white. Snow capped mountains off in the distance, and muddy looking snow in my yard. It's not that cold, maybe in the 30's?

So here I sit on my couch, with the kidlets, watching Sleeping Beauty while they munch on fresh buttered popcorn. I can't in good conscience give them sugar snacks when they are trapped in the house. So I figured for my two mini munchkins, high fat popcorn is better, they need the calories anyway.

Hubby is downstairs somewhere. He has just vacated as far as I can tell. I think I hear the TV, which probably means he's watching football. I haven't been down stairs in well over a week, how bad is that?

I'm going to try to start my letter to him tonight, and I'm going to go ahead and make an appointment with an attorney I think sometime in the next few weeks. The longer this goes on, the more clearly I see that I have to get out. When a dinky apartment with my kids sounds better than my nice big house, I know it's time to get moving.

I didn't get to finish this post earlier, as hubby came up and claimed the TV for football. So I guess even though he has the entire downstairs with 2 27 inch TV's at his disposal, we are supposed to give up the living room one on a cold blustery day and let his royal highness blast us out with football.

If today did anything, it really showed me that I'm on the right track. I feel like I've checked out. Not from my kids, but from him. It's like I let go last week, and now my anger is surfacing in full force, and it's hard to even talk to him. One more thing to do financially, and I will be in a much better position.

I'm setting a goal to make an appointment to get into see an attorney in the next month. That is about as fast as I can move right now. I really feel like I'm moving fast for me. I've been creeping for nearly two years, and now I'm moving. It's scary. I really need to let myself feel my anger right now. I need to be mad, or I won't have the guts to do what I need to do.

I spent the day listening to hubby, growl and yell at the kids. I finally took them up in my room with me, shut the door and put on movies. Then we all napped in the bed.

Small son ran around asking "daddy, why are you such at "grump"? Hubby just ignored him. Little Miss kept going up to him and asking him, "Why are you being so mean to my brother?" He ignored her as well. I watched this. I didn't actually interact in it, but I wanted to see what his reaction to their criticisms was. Basically, it was the same as me, he turned his back on them, opened the back door and lit a cigarette, puffing it in and out as fast as he could.

I hope he will get it, when life falls apart. I hope he will get what is at stake. That his kids are at stake. Boy have I changed my tune from this time last year. This year, as I've watched him sink into a hole of addiction, and watched him put our very lives at steak in a way financially, I've just become more and more angry. Angry for what he has done to me, and super angry about what he is doing/ leaving for his children. If this is the example he is giving them, well, it's about to stop here.

I talked again to my mom about the logistics of the money thing, told her I didn't want her "giving" me any money right now, but that if I did need it, to just pay the attorney. I don't want anything else construed as community property. If she is going to give me something, she can do it after the divorce is final.

I think he needs/must have in treatment care. I think he will refuse this. I think he is going to be angry and mean when the shit hits the fan. I don't know if I should try to just get me and the kids out of here, or what. I'm not sure we can pay the mortgage on this house if I move and my income is not available anymore. I don't know what he will do though. I'm tempted to get some of my stuff out of here into a storage facility for now. There is really very little I actually want. Most of my kitchen stuff, my bedroom stuff, and the kids stuff. I could give a rip about the rest of the furniture, Xmas decorations, etc....

How do you break up with children involved? What do you do first?

I think the kids will be happier if they are just with me, and get to see their daddy often. I honestly think he will be happier having that responsibility off his back. He's missing so much with his kids, it makes me sad.

Last night, I let small son stay up with me, and use the art program on my Mac. I have a new electronic tablet, and I was reading a book, he was leaning against me drawing, and I kept thinking how sweet this was, and how much joy this small boy gives to me on a daily basis.

This afternoon, while napping in bed with both my kidlets, I soaked up their love and strength. This fight I'm about to embark on is for me for sure, but it's mostly to get them into a better situation. How can I in all good conscience preach "don't do drugs" to them, if their daddy is an addict? I didn't grow up like that, and I don't want my kids growing up like that.

I want them surrounded by love, by positive influences, and by diversity and tolerance. I can do this, I am certain of it. I am finding my strength, slowly.

Peace,

OC

The Water Is Wide

I'm done. Done with this place, done with this marriage. I am formally saying I am beginning to make my escape plans. I password protected my computer tonight for the first time EVER.

Suffice it to say without going into great detail and bashing hubby (which I could really do tonight and don't want too), today was about the worst day I've ever had, save my Dad dying. It was horrid. It made my blood curdle. I suddenly opened my eyes and realized I need, no I must, get out of here.

I felt like a single parent today. I did. I had to beg for help from him. I can do this better and easier on my own I think.

There are so many issues intertwined. I think it comes down to this post though.

I read this the day The Wishful Writer wrote it. It resonated with me like a ton of bricks. "Oh, that is what happiness is, plumped pillows and whirring computers and not wanting to hide from your partner". I've been thinking about it all week.

I can barely be civil to hubby this week. It's not just that I'm gay. It's that I don't like the person he is becoming. I don't like how he treats my kids. I don't like how he is letting this house sink to the bottom of the ocean.

I don't like how I feel ALL the time, except when I'm cuddling my kids. Most of all, I cannot live with an addict any longer. I'm becoming a person I don't even like because I'm so unhappy. My kids see me disappear into my room because I can't bare to be in the living room with hubby.

I am the Titanic. I am breaking up and sinking to the bottom of the sea, I need to catch the lifeboat before I freeze. Like Tim Robbins says in Shawshank.."get busy living, or get busy dying". I'm there.

God help me, I'm there.

I will not fall apart into a million pieces and leave my kids in dire straights, I'm stronger than that. But in order to be strong, I have to allow myself to see my weaknesses.

I have to confront my demons. I've been hemming and hawing all year, well now, I think I've finally gotten to the bottom of the pit that everyone has told me would come, when I was ready to move forward. Hit bottom and crawl your ass right back out. I'm tough, I've always been tough.

So folks, please bare with the certain frequent meltdowns that may be coming. I'm not falling apart, but I need to get my feelings out or I will. This is my venue for that. This is my secret private place to let my soul run free.

If I have to live in a tiny apartment for awhile with my kids, so be it. They sleep in my bed anyway, what is the difference? A warm, safe dry place is all we need.

I want to sell this house. I want to rent someplace and hang for a bit until I decide what I want to really do.

More is sure to come,

Peace,

OC