I Wanna Lay My Head Down On You, Because You Are The Only Solid Thing In This Room.....

I'm lonesome tonight.

I feel summer creeping in. I'm sure this is what is making me feel so lonesome. After this long, hard cold winter, it's like baby steps toward summer. I want it to come, but I'm afraid to say anything out loud for fear of jinxing the weather.

So here I sit, at 1:19AM on my rumpled bed with the high thread count sheets and cozy down comforter, listening to "Three County Highway" playing and endless loop from my iPod.

If it were warmer, and not a Sunday night, I'd go start a campfire in my yard, pop open one of the cold Sierra Nevada's in my garage fridge, and just hang out.

I'm working so hard to not take time off of work right now. I want to have a break this summer, even if only for a few days. Right now, "hubby" and I are planning an ATV trip through the back roads of Montana with the kids, to explore some old ghost towns and such. That sounds so good to me. Just to be out in nature, riding, seeing stuff that I haven't seen.

I elected to vacation as a tourist in Montana this year, to cut the cost down. KOA's in bumfuck nowhere still have WiFi and are so cheap it's shameless. My kids won't know the difference between that and a long trip to some far off local. So, we are going to be tourists in our own home this year. Cheap, weekend fodder I can do while still saving up my precious time off for a real vacation that will sustain me.

I am two sides of the same record.

Side A: Run....bolt...pack up your kids and get the hell out of dodge and live a life that you want. A life free of feeling like crap for feeling trapped and bolted to the floor.

Side B: Stay put because things are not terrible, and live my life like a straight wife, a straight wife who is lying to herself. A straight wife who refuses to have sex with her husband. A straight wife whose skin crawls at the thought of being intimate with her husband or any man for that matter.

It doesn't seem like such a hard choice. So why is it? It's hard because hubby has been so much better lately. He is trying so hard. But, we know the truth.....OC is queer. It's never going to work no matter how much I fake it. I'm locked in by my own fear. I'm held down by my own cowardice.

I know, when I can't stand it, I'll jump off this cliff. It's too bad there is no guarantee that I will be OK, that my kids will be OK and even that hubby will be OK when I finally do jump. I stopped therapy for awhile. I needed a break, just like I needed a break from the constant pain. Is it OK to take a break, rest, relax and gather myself this far into it? I need to know...but no one can tell me this, I know.

Oh well, sleep is calling,

Peace,

OC