What a day.
I must go back to work tomorrow. After calling in on Thursday and Friday with a headache, I am at the end of my 2nd 4 day weekend in a row. How I would love a few months off to just chill, get my house in order etc...
I think I told you that I finally wrote the big "D" letter to hubby last week.
I've been lying on my bed, feeling torn, and finally I think feeling strong. I feel myself walking toward the light. I think about breaking up my family, and I'm torn, but when I add it up, put checks on the list, and all that jive, it just doesn't make sense to stay.
Hubby has been tip toeing around me again. I know he gets like this when I start really getting angry at him, and angry I am. You know, for the good of my kids, I know I could stay here, if he was doing his part. Really doing his part. But he isn't. Not at all. So that, added to the already precarious feeling of teetering on the edge of sexual clarity, I find myself feeling like I am really about to jump.
Today was Little Misses 4th Birthday party. He pretty much didn't help me at all. Not with the shopping, the wrapping, the getting stuff ready. I made goody bags with Small Son this morning, and Hubby slept in, drank his freaking HOT coffee and then went and bought papers at the store, and proceeded to read them both. I on the other hand, made the goodie bags, got the kids up, fed them breakfast, showered them, dressed them, wrapped Little Misses gifts, and went to Wal Mart to pick up the cake and ice cream. You want to know what he did? Brought Little Miss to her own party, carried the last few things in out of my truck, then went out to his truck to read his book. How's that???
I'm bitching...I know I am. I'm mad tonight. Really fucking mad.
He doesn't want me to sign little miss up for T-Ball either because she is a girl. I told him to fuck off. I really did. I told him I was signing her up for T-Ball and he could just eat it.
Even when I'm in a fairly peaceful place, I'm unhappy. I think what really became clear to me this week, was that me being unhappy is affecting what kind of mother I am. I've noticed that when he is being a grump, I ignore it. The kids ignore it. I know this takes my parenting level down. When I am alone with the kids, I am involved, I am right there with them, I am interacting with them. I need to get away if for that reason only.
Little Miss and Small Son mean the absolute world to me.
This post has turned into a vent, sorry.
I need to go to bed, later gator.
Peace,
OC
Thanks for checking out and commenting on my blog! :-) I have added you to my list and will return.
ReplyDeleteAs far as your post, I think of all the things I could say to help, but have been told many times that coming out later in life is so much more different then coming out when I did at 16. So I don't have experience with what you are going through. The experience I do have is having parents that I knew didn't want to be together, my mom staying for us and matters only got worse till she left and I saw her change and be a better person and much happier. My parents are like night and day, not sure how they stayed as long as they did. But the "staying for the kids" is not always the best bet in my eyes. Kids see and know far more then we give them credit for. Just my opinion ;-)
This is a good, supportive place to vent :)
ReplyDeleteYou seem to have so many reasons to make the change...parenting styles, acceptance of responsibility, your sexual identity...that t-ball thing would have put me right over the edge.
Courage!
It already sounds like you're a single parent to me, for all the effort he puts forth. Maybe it would be better to be one happily on your own than while in an unhappy relationship with ever-growing tension.
ReplyDeleteHiya, it's been awhile,I know. Chiming in to say, I've been on both sides of this coin..as a child and as a parent. Sexulity realization aside, it comes down to his being invested in the child-rearing and what affect that has on you and ultimately the little ones.
ReplyDeleteYou'll know what you know when you know and I'm sure, act accordingly.
Peace be with you all. Happy B-day to the Little Miss.
happy b-day to lil miss. its better to be alone than to be with someone you feel alone, with. it's less painful.
ReplyDeletec